AMA
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 27/04/2019 17:52
Enabling is anything you or anyone else does that enables the alcoholic to keep drinking. It's quite straightforward if you see it like that, cactuscushion.
So if they're too hungover to go to work you don't lie for them. You don't alibi them. You don't lend them money if they've splurged their money on drink.
Don't do anything that makes it easier for the alcoholic to drink. Accepting unacceptable behaviour is enabling.
You say I know you have to wait for them to want to make a change, reach out and want a different life. That's not actually true. Yes, the alcoholic has to want to change but it's not your job to make their drinking comfortable. That's enabling.
You want them to experience all the bad or embarrassing consequences of their drinking.
Does that make sense?
If a drinking alcoholic is making your life hard you might find Al Anon helpful www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 27/04/2019 18:56
Have you found at any point in your recovery that you’ve wanted to transfer your addiction elsewhere? Like food, exercise, smoking, an obsessive interest?
Yes. Alcoholics are prone to obsessions/compulsions. In AA people call it the Ism of alcoholism.
I get fairly obsessive interests, about ideas mainly. For instance I got very interested in Islam because of the contrast between what I'd understood as a peaceful religion and the terrorist attacks here and round the world. That lasted for a year or two. I read endlessly on the subject.
More recently I was fascinated by Trump for two solid years, though I lost interest when it became clear he's unlikely to face consequences any time soon.
However it may just be my personality as my DB, who has no problems with alcohol and who I'm very like, also gets obsessive about ideas.
I'm sorry to say that I still smoke.
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 27/04/2019 19:05
Do you find it helpful when a public figure talks about their alcoholism or is it more something that helps people without experience of addiction understand it better?
That's a tricky one.
AA doesn't have spokespersons or leaders. We don't engage in public anything. Anonymity is at the root of our fellowship. This is for very good reasons. If we put someone out there as the voice of AA and they relapse a lot of people will assume it doesn't work for anyone. And the pressure on the "voice" to appear perfect in the public eye would be unfair.
It's great that sober celebrities don't want to hide their recovery but if, as some do, they keep relapsing and restarting it's probably not very helpful for any drinking alcoholic who may look up to them.
WhyNotMe40 · 27/04/2019 20:54
There's a lot of alcohol and addiction in my family. Personally I've been a pretty extreme eating disorder sufferer, but also alcohol problems (hiding bottles, whisky in my tea) but would swing between eating issues and drinking issues.
I'm not totally dry now but never have more than one glass of wine a week as I'm terrified of going back there. And the half a unit or one unit I very occasionally have doesn't tempt me to more, surprisingly.
I have two questions - I've been minininally drinking for 5 years, never done AA, should someone like me still totally cut out alcohol?
Secondly, I'm terrified my children will have a problem with addiction one day. To your knowledge is there any particular thing that parents can do to help protect those who may have a genetic tendency to addiction?
Thanks
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 27/04/2019 21:06
I'm an over eater and use food like you did alcohol. Would AA work for me, or at least practicing the 12 steps type of thing?
There's an Overeaters Anonymous you could try. Sorry, I've no personal experience.
It must be somewhat different in philosophy to AA because it's all about total abstinence with us and that couldn't work with food.
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 27/04/2019 21:23
I've been minininally drinking for 5 years, never done AA, should someone like me still totally cut out alcohol?
Why would you want to start drinking again now? Think about why you're asking. Your relationship with alcohol is already unhealthy.
Like I said upthread, if you had a violent allergic reaction to shellfish would you try to reintroduce little scraps into your diet or would you avoid it like the plague?
Secondly, I'm terrified my children will have a problem with addiction one day. To your knowledge is there any particular thing that parents can do to help protect those who may have a genetic tendency to addiction?
I made sure my DC from their early teens knew that mummy was an ex drunk and that because the problem runs in families they're more likely to develop a booze problem..
Knowledge is power. Forewarned is forearmed.
theemmadilemma · 28/04/2019 23:09
@Prawnofthepatriarchy
Check in. Audio book of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions on the go.
Still planning to go Tuesday.
I said to my Partner earlier that the A.A. saying oh I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tried really resonated with me. And then slightly ranted about how I was leading a completely unauthentic half life, making no one including myself happy.
He said it was most truthful he'd ever heard me be.
He's seen me at rock bottom and I'm not there in volume. But I'm not good. And this is over. Because otherwise, it will kill me.
I'm done. Rock bottom done. Tell everyone never to never let this take them where it's taken me done.
Honestly you have given me more insight and hope than I've got elsewhere.
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 28/04/2019 23:21
I am so very pleased to hear from you, theemmadilemma. Been wondering how you were going. Glad you checked in.
What you tell me sounds good. Hopeful. Great that you've got the 12 by 12 audiobook.
He said it was most truthful he'd ever heard me be.
That's where recovery starts. You're being real. He can feel it.
Oh, I've come over all emotional.,.. 
Spongeface · 28/04/2019 23:58
Just found the thread. Huge congratulations OP and like Emma says you have a great tone, speak well and have hit a nerve.
I will look at meetings too... But read around it first. What you said about in rehab how your drinking affects the different areas in your life... Yep. Still functioning.... Just. It's embarrassing.
Thanks for sharing.
Iamtinkabella · 24/05/2019 21:10
so sorry for being so late on this thread and i haven't managed to read all of it (dc is unwell) so apologies if ive repeated anything but...
have you ever asked something unbelievably hurtful that you havent meant?
does drinking this amount of alcohol make you into someone different? (these questions are personal to me..sorry if i offend)
did you still know how many people loved you and cared about you?
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/06/2019 13:00
Sorry, Iamtinkabella, I've only just noticed your questions. The answer to have you ever asked something unbelievably hurtful that you havent meant? is not to my knowledge. But I had blackouts in the last few years so I might have done.
However one of the AA steps requires us to make amends to those we have harmed and none of the people I apologized to mentioned an unforgivably hurtful remark.
I wrote upthread about the (false) belief that people are more truthful when drunk.
IMO generally speaking if people say what they call home truths when drunk it's often in response to challenges to their drinking.
Saying "I wouldn't need to drink if you weren't such a boring cow" or suchlike isn't true. It's just an attempt to deflect criticism and nasty with it.
I can have a tongue like a razor blade and I would attack viciously if my drinking was challenged. To a drinking alcoholic any suggestion that they are drinking too much is an existential threat. All we want to do is to drink in peace. Bugger anyone else. It's a totally selfish illness.
does drinking this amount of alcohol make you into someone different? Not exactly. Yes, drunk me was different from sober me, but I was someone who tended to drink slowly through the day, every day, rather than go out and get dramatically shitfaced. Not that I never got shitfaced but it wasn't routine.
I mentioned my DS1 up thread. Now he does totally tilt when he's drunk. He's a completely different (and very unpleasant) person. However since one truly terrible night over two years ago when he flipped and started smashing up the house he has not even got tipsy since, so I hope he's learnt a big lesson.
(these questions are personal to me..sorry if i offend) - this thread is called Ask Me Anything, and I meant it. We alcoholics and addicts can only get sober through being truthful. Ask away.
did you still know how many people loved you and cared about you? Yes, I did, though I didn't know one of my DBs was already mourning what he saw as my inevitable death.
But the harm I was doing to those I loved was one of the things that got me sober. The self loathing was killing me. There's an AA saying "I was sick and tired of being sick of tired".
I was lucky in that all the people who loved me forgave me, though they tell me my unmistakable and passionate commitment to recovery gave them confidence in me.
Fibbke · 14/06/2019 17:58
What a wonderful thread. Thank you @Prawnofthepatriarchy
I am struggling with a family member who has a huge problem with alcohol. One of my parents did also. All my siblings do to some extent. I am feeling that I should give up also.
Really inspirational thank you.
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 14/06/2019 18:38
I'm so pleased this thread is proving helpful. Thanks for the kind words.
And congratulations on your 25 years, MissConductUS. Giving up drinking is the best thing I ever did, and I expect you feel the same.
Fibbke, as I say upthread, alcoholism is known as a family illness because it's learned behaviour plus there's a genetic component - though of course there are alcoholics who have neither of these traits. You might find you benefit from leaving alcohol out of your life. Have you got a booze problem?
BellMcEnd · 14/06/2019 19:00
Really well done. I hope you’re really proud of yourself. I’m the daughter of an alcoholic (he’s 8 years sober now) and I tell him every time we talk how proud I am of him ❤️. His drinking stemmed from a very unhappy childhood and lots of unresolved issues / low self esteem. Any form of addiction is complicated.
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