ExDP stays with me 4 days per month and all Christmas for contact... AMA

[TheSheepofWallSt]

Maybe not concise but I thought this might be a heartening/ cheering AMA (in some ways) for Christmas.

ExDP and I separated when DS was 9 months (now over 2). I moved 300 Miles away (back to my home town) and in order to build and maintain a relationship with his son, exDP visits once a month for a long weekend, plus 10 days at Christmas, and stays at my house to look after DS when I travel for work (once or twice a year).

He doesn’t support us financially and there is nothing more than a platonic coparenting relationship between us.

We’re best friends, but it’s still not without its challenges. AMA!

Why do you let him get away with not supporting you financially? He's not your best friend, he's some kind of odd part time cock lodger.

You seem proud of this arrangement, why?

Why doesn't he contribute to the financial upbringing of his child?

Yeah- I'm glad this works and your son sees their parent. But not financially contributing is a bloody cop out.

Wow.

ExDP is an incredibly talented (and if you’re in that world quite renowned) artist (particular medium). He used to make a significant amount of money. Just before DS was born developed a life limiting illness which makes him unable to work and he has spent his savings and is now looking to sell his home.
He has no money- but he has endless amounts of love and care for our son- which I value enormously.

Yes I am proud of our relationship and his commitment to our unconventional family.

I appreciate that that sounds twee and trite- and believe me it took some “gritting of teeth” on my part when I realised I was financially in this alone- but what can I do? Or he do? He has offered 50% of the money when one of his pieces has sold, but I’ve refused- he’s using food banks in between times- I can’t take money from him.

Drip feed of the year

@NationalShiteDay

It’s AMA, not AIBU dear. Have a scurry that way >>>>>

Surely the true AMA here is "I had a baby with someone who is chronically unwell and unable to support himself financially. We do the best we can but it's not without its challenges. AMA"

It works for you and given his financial circumstances and the fact that you're best friends, entirely reasonable. Your child will be getting a brilliant life example from you. I can't even speak to my exh and the kids sadly suffer.

@NationalShiteDay

Not really-

the crux of our relationship isn’t financial support- it’s how to coparent in a way that works for us, and gives DS a relationship with his father, post-separation.

The grinding, depressing financial truth of being a financially unsupported, working single parent is very easily read on these pages- harmonious coparenting with an ex... not so much.

@Twillow

I had a hugely chaotic and violent upbringing. ExDP grew up in incredible wealth but was similarly abused- he was sent to boarding prep school from age 6 and maintains that was better than being at home with his mother- as a mark of how awful it was

Between us, we have so much trauma- and we were determined that DS would have a better childhood than we did. This development of a tranquil, dependable, loving family- albeit separated - is turning out to be a healing experience for us, as much as it is a happy childhood for DS.

Hi Sheep
My question is do you feel relieved when he leaves after Christmas or a long weekend?
My xh has just been with us Christmas Eve to boxing night as it's the only way the children agree to see him and I must admit even though we get on ok I did a happy dance as the car left the drive late last night!! Today for me is all about being in pjs and relaxing with my dc playing games etc and reconnecting with them now he has gone!! They are still asleep before anyone asks why I am on mn

@2anddone

I have to admit... He drives me crackers sometimes- he’s a bit of a fusspot and gets a bit overwhelmed when toddler DS is having a meltdown- just flaps and makes shushing noises.... in those moments I feel like he’s as much use as a chocolate teapot and wonder how the fuck I’ve ended up with this arrangement.

But then I see Ds’ little face light up when he’s playing with daddy and I can bear it. It also means I can pop out for a haircut or to run errands peacefully.... so swings and roundabouts.

But yes- looking forward to a decompressing gilmore girls marathon and takeout crispy duck when he’s gone on the 2nd!

Solidarity with you!

Sheep
I think the main thing is people don't necessarily understand why we do it! I hold my hands up and say mine is completely selfish I grew up being ferried between parents especially at Christmas and I would hate having to not see dc over Christmas when it's not my turn! Like I say they are 13 and 10 and won't go to his which is how we fell into this arrangement but it does take ALOT of tongue biting sometimes!!!
He usually visits dc twice a week but with how his work has fell he won't see them now til 4th so that's a bit of a breather!!

How does he afford the 300 journey every month?

He prebooks trains as far ahead as possible, at weird times (approx £30-50 per return) and he generally puts on his credit card. He’s been able to get a lift with a friend driving to / from Scotland a few times and coordinated travel around that.

I’ve occassionally paid, and when he’s been at the point of needing the food bank, he’s foregone the visit (I think for 2 months?).

It is a struggle- no way to get round it.