I became a grandma at 35 - AMA

[osa20]

Ask me anything😊

Did you DM/DF do a lot of childcare for you, and do you do a lot for your DD now?

@AssassinatedBeauty no, not at all, my DD especially gets frustrated at that misconception! I got a lot of comments when she was pregnant about how I'd end up doing everything but I honestly never did!

When my DD was born my DM would have her about once a week from when she was a toddler but when she was born I already had my own place.

My DD has always been a very independent mum too - I've only recently been allowed to have him overnight!😂

1. Is DD living on benefits and how does that make you feel
2. Do you wish you had given DD more advice/support around relationships and contraception
3. If your daughter had wanted an abortion instead would you have supported her?
4. Would you be happy for your grandchild to be a teenage parent as well? Doesn't it seem strange to have a chain of generations having children before they get a chance to know themselves and see the world?

@cholka

1. She receives a small amount of help but she works part-time and her partner works full-time so it's only minimal.
2. I believe I gave her a lot of advice on relationships/contraception and doubt that I could've given her more, we were very open with each other!
3. Yes I would've 100% supported her in any choice she made without a doubt!
4. To be honest I don't really see it as having children before knowing themselves or seeing the world, I think my DD especially knows herself more now than she did before having a baby and in my experience, seeing the world with your family alongside is a better experience!

I don't think it's my place to say if I'd be happy for my grandchild to be a teenage parent, it's whether it would make her happy! It would definitely be a bit crazy to have so many consecutive generations having children as teenagers though.

What were your and her labours like? I ask because I think that younger women are often in better physical shape than older women to give birth and have quicker and easier labours?

How long were your DD and her partner together, and was the pregnancy planned?

Do you think that your young age when you had your DD normalised it for her, and that her becoming a teenaged parent was fairly likely?

@dustiseverywhere I've heard a lot of experience that seems that that's the way too. I started labour naturally on my due date and was in active labour for almost 24 hours - it was an easy labour. My DD was induced at 41 weeks, she was in active labour for 5-6 hours. She got to 10cm without anyone with her in the hospital (as she'd already been induced and this was in the very early hours of the morning) without any painkillers or anything! I was in disbelief!!

@AssassinatedBeauty DD and her partner were together for exactly a year before her getting pregnant. The pregnancy wasn't planned

I don't think it 'normalised' it for her, I spent a lot of time telling her I loved being a parent and would never regret it but always made sure she knew (in the nicest way possible) that having a baby as a teenager isn't easy at all! I suppose you could say that teenagers who have younger parents could be more susceptible to it but it wasn't encouraged or anything. I guess I've never thought about that

There’s a huge correlation between teen parents becoming the parents of teen parents (iyswim). I have to say I’m surprised at how accepting you are of your daughter repeating your choices. I say this as the daughter of teen parents; they’d have been absolutely heartbroken if I had followed in their footsteps. I’m glad things seem to be working for you and your family, but statistically the odds are against your daughter remaining with her boyfriend, and completing her education. I hope she proves the stats wrong, but I really struggle to think of any positives to becoming a parents when you’re barely an adult yourself. Fingers crossed your daughter bucks the trend.

@triwarrior I understand your opinion - this was my DF's feelings towards it after he'd had children young but I think it differs from person to person with how they see it! She's saved financially for a few years to do her degree from home and she's exceeding even her own expectations, but even if the odds did beat her and the relationship broke and she didn't complete her education (which are both things that can happen despite age), I have 100% confidence that she'd never regret her choice of being a mum and she'd never wish she did anything differently. There's no denying that it's a hell of a lot more difficult to do it this way around though, I obviously know that first-hand too!!

I wish her the best.

How old was your DD when she had her child? 16 is what I think from the ages you've given. Did being pregnant interfere with her GCSEs, and has she managed to complete A levels, or maybe she's doing access courses to get onto a degree course?

How much could she realistically have saved as an 18 year old towards a degree?

I have 100% confidence that she'd never regret her choice of being a mum and she'd never wish she did anything differently.

Please tell her though that its ok if she does regret it. I don’t regret having my children but I do regret having them so young and with the person I did. I think it’s fine to say that. We should be able to say that if we feel it. I felt guilty for far too long for feeling it but I think it’s better to be able to say it. It doesn’t mean I wish I never had them, it means I wish I’d been in a better place to raise them better. And actually to make a better life for me too because it absolutely has shut down so many opportunities that I could have had if I wasn’t a young parent.

@AssassinatedBeauty she'd actually saved a lot prior to being pregnant as she had her own savings account and worked all weekends from 14, so she's managed to pay for the first year by herself and has then been accepted for a student loan.
She found out she was pregnant after finishing her GCSE's which she's thankful for, and managed to complete her first year of A Levels - she then applied for the Open University so there was no requirement to have full A Levels!

@IStandWithPosie Of course - I completely understand your point! I am 100% that she'd never regret having her DC - or even being a young parent in general - but she's always openly wished that she was more financially stable with a set up life to be able to offer her child more. I remember having the same guilt when having my DD, which is most of the reason why I only had the one!

Are you still with DD's dad?

@Ginger1982 I'm not - we split about 12 years ago now.

Osa20 I think you sound like a great woman, mother and grandmother. You are so young you can still achieve so much yourself! I think there is a lot of shock when women are comfortable with having children young as there is such a strong assumption that it won’t work out (I am aware of the statistics not being favorable to young mothers too). However, if you are a woman who knows they want a child I think there are huge advantages to having children young when you have a lot of energy and you are less bothered by material issues (you often have the flexibility to “fix and make do”). Biologically you are much more likely to be in good health too.

I guess part of my attitude is that I have ended up with a very unusual life trajectory myself. My parents both died when I was a teen and I had a raise myself and get myself to Uni etc. without any support or help. I have seen people succeed coming from lots of different pathways. I also had lots of people judging me who never offered a bit of help of any kind so I think it’s insane to base life choices on other people’s opinion who couldn’t really give a toss about you!

In fact other than deciding to become a parent at a young age it sounds like your dds life choices are pretty conventional. I think lots of people just cannot imagine succeeding as a parent if they had a child in their teens, yet it would have been so normal and standard until relatively recently.

Congratulations on your grandchild OP

@IdaBWells what a lovely message. I think you're completely right with everything you've said and couldn't put some of it better myself - you're definitely spot on that people are guilty of (myself included) basing life choices off of people's opinions who generally don't care at the end of the day!

Thank you for your kind words

@osa20
Sorry, am only just catching up with everything here; thank you for answering my questions, you & your family sound amazing & I wish you all a wonderful future