I'm a Relate Counsellor

[porger80]

Just interested what questions people have about couples therapy and HTH anyone thinking about going

Are you there as more of a mediator, or can you tell someone if they are being a complete dick to their other half? Can you tell straight away if there is no hope?

Hi OP. That must be a really interesting and rewarding job.

Do you ever see couples for counselling and conclude that there is no future for the relationship? If so, would you say so?

Do you have to approach from a 'non-judgemental professional POV but inside often feel really judged.

Judgey not judged

Also, do you ever just think LTB? In a very MNy way?

Do you think it’s possible to get back romantic feelings which have gone when everything else is there? As in it’s turned into a friendship.

What is the most romantic habit or act you have heard your clients did for each other?

Have you ever been so concerned for a person you have contacted police / authorities?

I'm finding my feet with MN chat and it's annoying I can't reply to everyone separately so apologies for general replies...

I think hope is really important if two people are committed to making it work. I would never tell a couple they won't make it but I do sometimes think that yes.

I'm not a mediator or there to say who is right or wrong but a lot of clients think I am - I'm there to facilitate a conversation for people to work out themselves who is wrong or right (often it's neither, it's just perspective)

A massive part of being a counsellor is being non judgmental and who you think is being a dick can actually turn out to be really hurt and not a bad person. So it's best just not to have personal feelings about anyone and it's one of the challenges of the job

I think it is possible to find romantic love again but both partners have to be willing to put the effort in and commit to that as shared goal

Relate signpost to organisations that deal with victims and perpetrators of abuse that may cause concern - we would never contact police as it would breach confidentiality.

What's the most dysfunction relationship dynamic you've ever come across?

Do most of the couples you see stay together, or is there no way of knowing?

Do you contact the police and/or social services if there is abuse and there are children in the family? Surely you would have to? I know that when I went for individual counselling (following a very unhappy marriage) I was told at the beginning that confidentiality would always be overridden by safeguarding concerns.

Most romantic habit is all down to what is right for each couple. Some might say mind blowing sex and some might say holding hands while doing the grocery shop. But the most romantic thing I can think of is being listened to. And listening back to someone

Thanks for this. I’ve been baffled by a friend and I think she has been too and you might be able to shed some light.

She and her DH are in a bad way and things have been getting worse between them for a while, nothing overtly serious at all but a slow decline and they now seem to resent each other so much they now barely even speak, it’s been awful to watch

She told him things weren’t great, he agreed, they booked a series of sessions which she never thought he’d be willing to do so seemed positive.

They went for counselling every week for a couple of months and it was going to be make or break. Nothing, not a single thing has changed!

I can’t see how that can be. She’s now even more desperate because they “gave it a shot” and didn’t decide either together or separately that either there was a strong basis to build on and reaffirmed their love, or that it’s dead in the water and they’d be happier apart.

They’re just stagnating. It’s too awful to see.

Now what?

Most dysfunctional dynamic is abusive but most couples that come are dysfunctional in a less dangerous way

The couples that I see and stay working often do stay together. The ones that come for 1 or 2 sessions we never follow up on so it's really hard to say. I see a lot of people individually following the end of difficult relationships and they've had 'success' because they've found a bit more peace or ways to move forward

In very extreme cases when there was risk of immediate harm to a person or a child then that does allow breaching confidentiality.

What training is required to become a relate counsellor?

Annelovesgilbert (how the hell do i tag?!)

Often couples come to relate thinking that is the answer when actually both of them to need to embrace and activate change. I wonder what 'giving it a shot' actually looked like? Just coming to therapy every week isn't enough.

If your friend didn't click with the therapist then worth trying another one - we can't like everyone

Cheese - I did a PostGrad Diploma in Relationship Therapy but numerous ways to do it, if you fancied it get in touch with your local Relate office. But it does take at least 3 years and a lot of unpaid hours to qualify!

Stick an asterisk either side of their name to make it bold. Stick an @ before it to notify them you’ve tagged them in an email

You’re right. Just showing up wouldn’t help. I struggle to see how you can spend hours week after week literally discussing your marriage with a stranger and not come across any helpful revelations or make a plan to improve things. She’s in so much pain and I don’t know what to suggest

I did say to try someone else but neither of them sees the point as “it didn’t do anything” so I guess that’s that. But they do now agree on that one thing so who knows what’ll happen.

I know so many people who have found counselling helpful, to reconcile or deal with specific issues, to have an amicable split, individually, all sorts of things. I have faith in the principle of an impartial third party and the process. I’m so baffled by what she’s said I just done get it.

Thanks for replying.

I think most couples come as a "last ditch attempt" which often means it's hard to repair the damage done. Someone once said the ideal is to look at couples therapy as r/ship MOT - check all the faults and weaknesses on a regular basis and the rust won't truly set in... but that is unrealistic in a world where money and time is right

Another question from me - can you tell when someone is on their best behaviour? I'm thinking of partners who might normally be abusive, but present themselves impeccably to the world outside their relationship.

@ScreamingValenta it is very unlikely that an abusive person would ever be seen as anything but in a counselling session. Best behaviour won't mask deep worrying behaviour

Can you tell when someone is lying and do you try to tease the truth out of them. Or do you just take them at face value?

@mayaknew lying is a tricky one - is subjective a lot of the time. My perception of the truth might be different to yours. It's not about what I think it's about what conversation the couple have and how try understand truth. I would never call anyone out during a session though even if there were inconsistencies, I'm not a judge... I'm a safe place for people to communicate, I can't judge anyone

Porger, I do fancy it actually, have been browsing th relate site recently.
Rude question: what’s the pay like?

Also, do some couples weigh on your mind?