TRIGGER - I was in an abusive relationship AMA

[Changedname220]

Exactly that.
Fire away

I wouldn't ask you any questions as I'd feel too intrusive. However I'm glad you found your escape route and I hope you're now very happy. You certainly deserve it and I'm here to listen if you need to talk.

Sorry this happened to you

When did you realise he was abusive?

How did you get out?

I met him in 2002
He was first violant in 2006 but it was during quite a stressful time for both of us and was pushing and shoving during an argument where I had bruised arms so I brushed it aside as being an argument which got out of hand. So really I say I BELIEVED he was violant probably when I had black eyes and extensive injuries and that’s when I went to the police and had him charged which was 2007

We finally separated for good in April this year . Strangely enough when he tried to make my life a misery verbally and emotionally for the job I wanted to do and for a hobby I do that’s when I thought nope it’s over. I want out of this . He was very aggressive one night and the police were called. I saw my opportunity and I took it with both hands

I'm glad you got away. Do you have DC?

Yes I have four

You stayed with your abusive partner for over ten years after the first incident.

Was he also physically abusive to your children?

Did / do they live with you?

How would you describe the impact of this on them?

Did you have the children after you knew he was abusive?

My eldest son was born before anything happened.
Yes my other children came afterwards
He was never absuive to them or about them . Anything was aimed at me.
The children have always lived with me and continue to do so.
The eldest child doesn’t remember any violence and neither does my second born as he was months old the last time he hit me. The third and fourth children were born after the physical stuff stopped
All have heard arguments or me being verbally abused / name calling / being talked about.
The eldest at one stage of wanted him to come back and now has gone back to saying he’s glad he’s gone. So confused I would say and he will be having counselling through his school. The others SO FAR have displayed emotionally or verbally anything negative from it . Not to say they won’t of course

Why did you continue to have children with an abusive partner? I e never understood this. Surely the children are going to be traumatized and may even carry on the cycle themselves?

How did the relationship continue after you had been to the police about him?

Did children’s services ever get involved?

(I have a family member whose ex went to prison for assaulting her / one of the kids. Then he got out and they got back together and had another baby. I really can’t work out how that can happen.)

All that happened in my case was when my second child was born the health visitor asked some questions about things at home and that was it
When we separated in April this year my local social services were alerted as he was arrested and they telephoned me asked where he was living and what I intended to do going forward. The file was closed the same day they never came to meet me my children or see the home etc
And yes I am the first to admit this is pretty lax and no wonder serious things go under the radar . Not excusing it simply explaining in my situation what happened

I'm so glad it's over now and your DC are coping ok.

When you are in an abusive situation and trying to keep your family together you do things which to the outside world seem unfathomable.
Things weren’t bad all the time. Sometimes there were many months or even years between episodes. I wasn’t being beaten daily or weekly. You also tend to cover up , minimise, shield people (children, my own family and friends) from what is happening. Creating that sense of normality. We functioned as a family to the outside quite normally. Went on days out , holidays , nice christmases etc. I am not justifying it. Simply explaining. When an episode of violence happens it goes calm again afterwards and you cover it up or minimise it and so the cycle goes round. Unless you have been in it you simply cannot understand it

Have your children received any support?

He left on a particular Sunday in April and they went back to school on the Tuesday and I approached each of their teachers and heads of year and told them exactly what had happened and gone on in the past so they could keep an eye, talk as needed etc. So far not needed anything else at school

My eldest (12) has some issues with behaviour at school 5 weeks or so ago. The school rung me in the morning and by the afternoon together with them a plan was in place for him to be assained a mentor and go on the list for counselling at school with a parental referral

I speak regaularly to each of the children alone and together about things and how they are feeling. Reassuring they are loved by both parents. They will still see their father and his family and they can come to me anytime to chat or for a cuddle etc but I have also been honest and said he will not be coming home because it’s not nice for them listening to daddy shouting and being unkind and mummy doesn’t deserve being treated like that .