OK, to clarify, i do not have a formal diagnosis of NPD., Instead my diagnosis is EUPD/BPD. So i am not a typical classic narcissist. but i do have some traits and ben told i come across as condescending arrogant and superior.
I don't like myself inside. at all. i remember even as a young child feeling i hated myself. i used to pick at my skin and bite myself. i got angry a lot. serious rages and a sense of feeling abandoned even though i never was actaully abandoned physically AFAIK, though some of my early childhood memories are very hazy and my sister who is 2 years older has had to fill in the blanks for me. apparently even as a child- aged about 9 i would blurt out things like "i hate myself" randomly.
I felt uneay if other people were validated or "loved" more than me. i had intense jealousy of other kids. intense. not for how many toys they had. but how loved and validated they were. my father was abusive but my mum adored me and later when my mental health deteriotated could not believe i was mad, "because you aren't like those people." she had a perfect image of me- in her eyes i was someone very good and easy going. in reality i was a difficult neurotic brat. i was strong willed but also very thin skinned and sensitive to criticism.
As a young child i would ask constantly for reassurance. "am i pretty? " i would ask constantly. if i di not get hte answer i wanted i would have kind of a tantrum only i felt very distressed. i felt worthless if i was not constantly told i was special and lovely. my father would often tell me to eff off or scream at me so i would ask my mother. i would sulk a lot if i tried to talk about myself and share my experiences but those were disbelieved. for example, i was shy at school, with my peers. i once said in front of my mum and sister "i'm shy." and they were like "no, you are not. you are very chatty." Rather than seeing this as a compliment, i would throw a hissy fit. i have been physically violent before when my "truth" has not been acknowledged. As an adult in my 30s i actually became very agressive and abusive towards a CPN who told me she did not really believe i had been exposed to abuse as a child and told me i was not reall having anxiety (even though i was and been diagnosed in past as having anxiety attacks, panic and OCD). IF MY PERCEPTION OF THINGS IS NOT VALIDATED I BECOME VERY ANGRY (sorry- caps on) and lash out like a child. it looks like a
tantrum but inside i am feeling devasted. like a nobody.... i trust only my own view of things. i do get a lot of self doubt but i try to squash these feelings because self doubt makes me loathe myself and feel i do not exist at all
i had a small talent for classical singing and an already operatic sounding voice by the time i was 11. a very big mezzo soprano voice. my music teachers were convinced i should study opera and i did have training. Sadly i became very obsessed with my voice- i felt i had no sense of identity unless i fixed my sense of identity on something solid and my singing became it. to the point that i was always trying to prove myself and quite conceited. i did go on to train although never completed my studies as my health was poor. i had a virus which i did not recover from for several years- extreme fatigue, weakness and flu like symptoms. and my mental health was becoming erratic. i had always binged eaten but my eating grew worse and i went from plump with a resonant voice to an obese person whose voice was damaged by acid reflux and heavy antipsychotic and mood medications i was on for BPD. so that was one "identity" gone.
i am no longer anything special but for the last 10 years i have tried to make myself be loved. i even made my BPD sympoms worse, so i would be loved. i hated my illness yet at same time loved it, because it was who i was. i wanted someone to rescue me. at same time i would push people away. i pushed men away- was scared of sex. i had been sexually assaulted in my childhood (albeit very mildly, nothing damaging) and felt very worthless and shameful. friendships were difficult too- trusting people very hard. i alwyas felt very shameful around people
i was bullied at primary school. all low level stuff, but it was just constant. teasing, being shunned, excluded and tricked and laughed at. i was the gullible vulnerable kid with poor social skills and uncool clothes.
i was scared of people, a shy bookworm, and i love my own space, yet when i was lonely i went through phases where i would do outrageous things to get noticed. eg flirting very obviously and always being the joker. it was another role i was playing. i had been the diva, then the sick person role, npw i was the funny fat girl. At same time i think i do not like people much.
sometimes i would idolise people obsesively- would fixate on a certain person very intensely. but if i was not idolising people, i would be feeling angry with them or indifferent to them.
i honeslty do not naturally care about most people around me. i get v ery bored when people try to talk about their own lives or of they are in a crisis. i became a born again evangelical christian some years ago and it is only through God that i am able to bother with anyone. I am either too afraid of them and how shameful i feel around them or i feel people just are boring. I hate small talk.
i have two guinea pigs whom i love. i have never had a desire for husband or children. i just like my own space and sex has never really interested me. i am capable of being sexually attracted to people for brief periods and very intensely but no desire to "be with them" as it were. i want to be loved and validated by them but i feel inacapable of giving love back. i can feel empathy and compassion for someone who is hurting especially if i have been through a similar situation before, but i cannot be committed deeply to anyone. i just cannot. i see people as having a function in my , rather than people in their own right.