I was adopted at birth, ama

[Selfsestructactive]

Just that really... Ask away if anyone has any questions 😊

donquixotedelamancha - are you adopted?

I actually find your attitude 'abhorrent' as it suggests a total disregard and disrespect for the incredible struggles that so many adopted people have trying to reconcile their absolute differences (genetic, appearance, mannerisms, behaviour etc) with their adopted parents/family. Do you know what it is like to look in the mirror every day for 30 years and never have seen anyone who looks like you?

Who are you to tell me who my 'real' family is!

donquixotedelamancha - are you adopted

Yes.

Do you know what it is like to look in the mirror every day for 30 years and never have seen anyone who looks like you?

Yes.

I actually find your attitude 'abhorrent' as it suggests a total disregard and disrespect for the incredible struggles that so many adopted people have trying to reconcile their absolute differences (genetic, appearance, mannerisms, behaviour etc) with their adopted parents/family.

It suggests nothing of the sort, you are projecting.

Who are you to tell me who my 'real' family is!

I'm not suggesting how you should refer to your parents. You made an argument that a generalised statement about all adoptees is correct, in response to another poster who asked people to exercise care and consideration. They were not speaking about your situation, and neither am I.

Implicit in your argument is the idea that I am not the real parent to my children, nor are other adopters. That is an unpleasant thing to say. You could easily alter your language to a more thoughtful and considerate approach, while still describing your own experience.

donquixotedelamancha you are free to disagree with me, but I still believe that my perspective is as valid as yours.

My approach has been thoughtful and considered. I have not written a bad word about anyone else. I am suggesting that there may be drawbacks for some adopted people that are directly related to being adopted and that it is ok for those to be talked about.

You are trying to shut me down. If I have had an unhappy adoptive experience, I am allowed to talk about it. If I have met others who have had the same, I am allowed to talk about it - just as the OP is too.

I don't know your situation, so I haven't said anything about whether or not you are a 'real' parent. I am expressing the view that not all adoptees feel that their adopted family feel real to them, not all adoptees have a sense of belonging and than can be very challenging and difficult to deal with. They may indeed feel that their 'real' family was / should have been or even is the parents who gave them up.

Have you ever thought about writing in to long lost family ?

You are trying to shut me down.

Absolutely not. I've made no comment on your descriptions of your personal experience. Why would I? Of course you have the right to describe your own experiences. More than that- I think discussing adoption in this manner is very valuable, and you are clearly eloquent and thoughtful on this topic. I haven't noticed your username on the adoption board, but would encourage you to come along and contribute.

My issue is with the generalised statements you made which, because they are sweeping and without caveat, include all adoptive families and become both incorrect and offensive (which they would not be when applied to individual experiences). The original statement you disagreed with was this:

'Glad you've found your own family". I fear that statement could upset a lot of adopters and adoptees... It's not about biology. It's about who loves cares and nurtures.

I'm quite sure that was not your intention to cause offence, but I would hope that if you reread your previous posts you will agree that were not expressed in the more nuanced way you have here:

I am suggesting that there may be drawbacks for some adopted people that are directly related to being adopted.....not all adoptees have a sense of belonging and than can be very challenging and difficult to deal with.

I don't disagree with a single word of this, and the only difference is the addition of qualifications.

Well, the blanket statement that you made could also be deemed offensive and lacking nuance!

Adoptive parents are a child's real parents. To suggest otherwise is abhorrent.

You also told me that I was projecting, which I find a rude personal comment and I disagree with. I have done decades of research into the difficulties that all sides of the adoption triangle encounter and believe that if they were dealt with better and more openly discussed then the long-term outcomes for adoptees may be improved. If anyone thinks that grief is not involved at some stage, then I believe they are deceiving themselves.

Well, the blanket statement that you made could also be deemed offensive and lacking nuance!

Adoptive parents are a child's real parents. To suggest otherwise is abhorrent.

You also told me that I was projecting, which I find a rude personal comment and I disagree with. I have done decades of research into the difficulties that all sides of the adoption triangle encounter and believe that if they were dealt with better and more openly discussed then the long-term outcomes for adoptees may be improved. If anyone thinks that grief is not involved at some stage, then I believe they are deceiving themselves.

Apologies Selfsestructactive for the derail on your thread. [flowers}

How do you deal with health questions from doctors etc. - do you have a family history of x,y,z? Do you wish you knew more or are you happy not to know for the moment? Being married to someone with hereditary issues, and him being forewarned as opposed to me having no knowledge other than possible arthritis leaves me in a quandry about the whole situation so I'm eager to hear how you feel!

@Selfsestructactive I am really sorry your experiences growing up were not great and your relationship with your sister is not very good.

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

I have a birth daughter and adopted son. There are 6 years between them. Sometimes they get on and sometimes they fight like mad (verbally).

Do you have any tips at all about how I can get them to get on better? I do desperately want them to get on well. I try very hard to love them both equally and to show that love equally but they still complain the other is the favourite!

I fear that statement could upset a lot of adopters and adopteesOp had her 'own' family all along. It's not about biology. It's about who loves cares and nurtures

perhaps you could have read the OP before criticising those who did since she says her adoptive family did not nurture and care for her? But then since you ask how her adoptive mother feels about it when she clearly stated she is deceased////

Adoptive parents are a child's real parents. To suggest otherwise is abhorrent.
that is for the child to say, not you

@MargoLovebutter I'm very sorry to read of your experiences.

One thing that happened with my son a while ago was that we were at the doctors and I mentioned I was not his biological mum. I was saying it to make a point that my medical records (and frankly crap health history) would not impact on him.

At home he repeated it and we spoke about it a bit. I said 'it really doesn't matter to me at all whether you grew in my tummy or not."

When he was younger (he is nearly 8 now) he used to accept this happily and seemed to really want to have been born to me. Now he does ask questions more and is really at a stage where he does seem to processing it all.

One thing I need to remind myself is that although it may not matter to me that I am not his biological mum, it may matter to him.

I'll definitely not bring it up at the doctors again, unless it is relevant, because I feel sad, like I hurt his feelings a bit by telling a doctor we did not know (have not seen before or since).

But I must also say my birth daughter gets very upset about some things too and often I am the 'baddie' with the kids whatever I do. I am trying now to take note of times when I do say the wrong thing and work on it because as they get older they are more aware.

It is great to have the chance to hear a variety of views from people who have been adopted. So thank you all.

@MargoLovebutter Well, the blanket statement that you made could also be deemed offensive

If you really find it offensive to say that adoptive parents are real parents then there is little point discussing things further.

donquixotedelamancha - exactly you want to shut down what you don't want to hear!

Italiangreyhound - thank you. Awareness is so important and keeping the door to communication open.

I think things are better these days. I have a very close friend who has adopted in the last few years and I was a referee for her and supported her through the process. I thought the social workers were mostly good but I think long-term support has a way to go yet.

donquixotedelamancha - exactly you want to shut down what you don't want to hear!

Me no longer engsging with someone who has a bigoted view of a class to which I belong is hardly 'shutting down'. What do you imagine would happen if you said gay people are not real parents or black people are not really British?

Wow donquixotedelamancha! If you remember I didn't say that adoptive parents aren't real parents. I said that for some adopted people they didn't feel real. Huge difference. Why can't you understand that this may be the way some adopted people feel?

You are very quick to point the finger at me. You have said my views are abhorrent, I am projecting and now I have bigoted views - just because I have expressed my point of view and sympathised with a fellow adoptee.

Wow donquixotedelamancha! If you remember I didn't say that adoptive parents aren't real parents.

Make your mind up. The view I called abhorrent is saying that adoptive parents are not real parents. If that is not your view then I am not criticising you at all. I explicitly agreed with your more nuanced statements about the range of adoptees feelings.

To be absolutely clear:

1. If you think that adoptive parents are not real parents then I think you are a bigot.

1. If you think that many adoptees experience feelings of grief and many adoptees also have real parental bonds with their birth parents or have difficult relationships with adopted parents, then I agree wholeheartedly.

Either way, I still support the rights of bigots to express their views and have no interest in shutting anyone down except by disagreeing. If, however, your views are 1 then I have no interest in discussing further.

I NEVER said that adopted parents are not real parents!!!!!!

Someone else said that they were glad the OP had found her real family and then someone else said that might be hurtful to adoptive parents. I said that there was a valid point there and went on to discuss some of the more difficult aspects of being adopted, which you seem determined that I shouldn't.

The definition of a bigot is a person who is intolerant to those holding a different perspective or point of view. I would ask you to think carefully about pointing the finger at me for bigotry.

The view I called abhorrent is saying that adoptive parents are not real parents... If you think that adoptive parents are not real parents then I think you are a bigot.

If someone like the OP, with a not very good experience of adoption, feels like her adoptive parents are not her real parents, who are you to say otherwise and call her a bigot?

As an adoptee I fucking despise the phrase “real parents”, absolutely fucking loathe it.

There is a woman who very bravely (given the time she was in and the situation) who carried and gave birth to me, she is my biological mother and I quite literally owe her my life. But she’s not my Mum.

My Mum was the woman who raised me, who was there every day, who kicked my arse and cuddled me. We had a complicated and often difficult relationship, up until the last 2 years of her life, but she’s my Mum. Nobody else is.

and thats great for YOU. But you can't speak for anyone else. You can't tell other people about how they have to feel about and describe their backgrounds. If feel differently to you, thats ok.

Do you think it is always a good idea to be open with children about their adoption at an early age?

@manaftermidnight point out where I did please? I deliberately spoke from my own perspective without (unlike many on this thread!) commenting on anyone else’s opinions!

Ok I'll try that answer everyone.
Re medical, that's a big reason I'm looking... When I was having my kids I was so annoyed that on medical issues all they could do was put a line across that page. My kids deserve to know if there are possible medical issues so we can address them,and for me too obviously.

Re adopted and natural kids, well all kids fight but with me it was that my sister put on the waterworks and I was always blamed. One thing that would have made for a completely different experience for me is if my mother accepted the person I was as I grew up. She hated that I was different from what she dreamed/hoped while my sister was a carbon copy of her - that killed me as I was just being myself and that wasn't anywhere near good enough (for her)

I don't really see my mother as my mother, simply because as a mother you love unconditionally and she didn't. Turned away to boarding school while my sister stayed home, ignored a lot during college, left to fend for myself practically since early teens. I'd never be able to do that to either of my kids.

And yes, I think knowing about the adoption from a young age is good, because I always knew and didn't have to find out later and then come to terms with it, if you know what I mean...
Plus when things weren't good I kind of knew why and I could try to come to terms with it in my head?
I'm strong because I've always felt alone and I know I can cope with that.
I also know I'd never treat my kids like that and I have a very open mind which she didn't, I think that is a key - if she was more open minded she might have accepted me when I became my own person (as opposed to being a child)