I was the Golden Child in an abusive family and i hate it! AMA

[GoldenChildAndIHateIt]

I grew up in a verbally and emotionally abusive household with occasional physical abuse. Our father abused my mum and sister for many years and still does it.

I was terrified of him growing up. i never knew why he targeted my mum and my sister in the way he did. He was an angry man who had rages and very dramatic mood swings and his own childhood had been awful. i would witness terrible threats of violence. and really nasty hurtful comments he made.

Towards me he never hurt me in a ny way. He did often tease and belittle me and yell at me and sometimes call me fat and ugly. he would accuse me of lying about things but he never actually ill treated me in any way. I only recently realised this though. For a few years i considered myself an "abuse survivor" and i even have been seeing a therapist privately due to "trauma." One day i will tell him the truth- that nothing happened to me and that i actaully had it pretty good.

the effect this belief i have been abused is pretty profound. the effects of it are:

-am afraid of men and of relationships with men
-i have been harming myself with scratching, cutting, biting and bingeing and purgeing food for years. started when i was a child still-

• i was diagnosed as having EUPD/BPD in my 20s but have had symptoms since i was 16

-i feel a great sense of shame and guilt

• i never felt real or genuine and feel i wear many different "selves"
• i feel impatient and angry with anyone who says they have been abused. kind of sad for them but also like "why didn't it happen to me?"
• i have been told i have traits of narcissim and although i am extremely sensitive to criticism and feel emotions very intensely i tend to be very shallow when it comes to other peoples' pain and problems.
• i feel insecure, ilike i don't exist

I don’t think this is (or should be) an “ask me anything “ thread. You are obviously hurting greatly and need support. I hope you get it

Thanks Theboldandthebeautiful1 Yeah, i feel sad for my sister and mother but also a little envious that they have a narrative which explains their struggles (extreme lack of confidence in my mum, issues with self worth and trust in my sister). i feel almost as though i am a victim too in a way, because i am scared of so many things as a result but have no real tangible reason to have these issues

I agree with @Theboldandthebeautiful1, sounds like you need support and help not AMA

4cheekymonkeys Thanks. i was not sure where to put it tbh. definitely not AIBU where i would be ripped to shreds

Agree this shouldn't be here, but you were a victim so please don't think you don't need support.

Yes OP, I really don't think you were the golden child. You just weren't targeted as much Have you ever talked to your mum or sister about it?

Also think there would be. Better place for the thread. But you really really were abused. Witnessing that behaviour is still abusive. It is very easy to think 'someone else had it worse'. Please keep talking to a therapist about all of this.

The stately homes thread was very supportive to me when I was going no contact with my abusive parents. Lots of excellent advice. It's good to know you're not the only one. Would this thread be better moved to relationships? Also counselling was very helpful. Some problems need professional help. Toxic Parents by Susan Foreward is very good. Also Complex PTSD by Pete Walker was excellent. I think you also need to tell your doctor exactly what you have said here as you may need medication to help you with your self harm and feelings that you don't exist. I also did work on recovery of my inner child , it's a book. I think you need to get your symptoms under control with medication and professional therapy first though.
You are stronger than you think. You survived hell as a vulnerable child. You can feel better than this.

Sorry, I was desperate to reply... tell your therapist. You have to be honest. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, it wasn't your fault this happened to you. When your therapist knows, they can start helping you, because they know what the problem is. Do you see what I mean?

You were abused, you experienced trauma.

You were surrounded by aggression and violence, witnessed violence. You were afraid of your father. Your mother couldn't protect you. You were emotionally abused.

Please tell your therapist.

How are you doing @GoldenChildAndIHateIt ?

Hi, it is me again. I did delete my old account- was not sure i was ready to come back but i do feel it has been helpful for me to get things off my chest on here.

picklemepopcorn Am less triggered than I was at the weekend, thank God. I am pleased that i managed not to harm myself. I do feel i am getting stronger although i still have many questions and issues.

Rosa Wings jesusinthecabbagevan familywoes 4cheekymonkeys theboldandthe yeah, thanks. Am seeing therapist again on Thurs. He was away on holiday for a week so no session until this Thurs. I will think about Stately Homes thread. I have had a read of Pete Walker's stuff online but have not read the actual book of his yet, but am thinking of ordering it online maybe. I might also look into the Toxic Parents book also.

He did ill treat you. You are a victim. There is a reason you feel like one. You were not a golden child. He treated them worse but that doesn't mean You weren't a victim.

He did abuse you. All of those things youve described about his treatment of you are abusive.

No good comparing it to what he did to others. If he killed a woman would that mean that he wasnt abusive towards your mum and sister because he "only" hit them instead of mirdering them? No. So it shouldnt negate what youve been through just because he used a different kind of abuse.

Murdering*

PrimalLady and WafflyVersatile thank you.

went to therapist today and told him. He definitely says it was abuse and feels a bit concerned that i am blaming myself/minimising it

I'm so pleased GoldenChild. Well done for being brave, and letting your therapist help.