I used an online sperm donor - AMA

[quepoe]

I have not posted before but following a recent thread mentioning online/unofficial sperm donors I wanted to post as when first considering it as an option I could not find details of other people's experiences of this anywhere online save from a few sensationalist articles, and I find all the AMAs interesting anyway.

I'll try to summarise:

Many years of ivf and icsi for male factor infertility (we had used both my husbands and donor sperm during treatments) left us exhausted physically, mentally and financially and still without our longed for family.

We had reached the end of our ivf journey but did not yet feel ready to give up - we had considered both adoption and surrogacy but felt these were not options we wanted to pursue.

I honestly don't remember how the discussion was started, but I know after the negative pregnancy test for our very final ivf my husband and I discussed sperm donation.

We considered the two donation options - AI (artificial insemination, ie turkey baster) and NI (natural insemination, ie intercourse) but as sex was more likely to work and we wanted to give it the best chance possible we made the difficult decision that I would have intercourse with a donor to try and get pregnant.

We set up a profile on a site that matches donors with women/couples stating that we would only consider AI (artificial insemination where sperm is provided without sex) to try and go some way to eliminate donors who just wanted to have sex for sex sake. 100s of messages came through - but after a few weeks we found a man we felt was credible who was open to both AI and NI.

We met him together to chat, suss him out and see what we wanted to do. We decided to go through with it, and for around 18 months I met with this man in a hotel around my fertile days to have sex.

I did become pregnant twice, but unfortunately both were chemical pregnancies and ended around 5/6 weeks.

Aged 42 and having given it all we felt we could my husband and I decided to get off the infertility treadmill and focus on our lives together and our wider families.

Our relationship was not effected by the donor process, in fact I think it is stronger as a result.

AMA

Very interesting. I'm so sorry about your miscarriages, OP.

My Q: Do you ever wish you'd accepted your childfree status at the outset and saved yourself the time, stress and money of these interventions?

Thank you.

I would do all the interventions again if I was 10 years younger as any of them could have worked.

Whilst not quite at peace with our child free situation I think it's easier knowing we tried everything we could.

On the other hand I wish I had not let it consume so much of my late 20s/30s - so many weddings, hen dos, babyshowers, holidays I missed out on because I was hormonal and feeling low.

What criteria did you use for making your choice?
How did you avoid developing an emotional relationship with the donor?
Did your dh feel anxious at all about NI and personal interaction with the donor rather than AI?

(Sorry it didn't work for you. )

What criteria did you use for making your choice?

This is difficult to articulate, I've not used online dating before but I'm sure it's similar in that you assess someone you don't know based on what they say and how they say it. It was very easy to rule out most of the responses we received as they all came across quite pushy. The man we chose in the end seemed genuinely altruistic (although I'll never know he true intentions and frankly don't really care). Once meeting him again similar to a first date you just have to judge on what you see and signals you pick up.

How did you avoid developing an emotional relationship with the donor?

I was able to emotionally detach - I wonder if all the invasive ivf made that easier.

We kept it very much small talk and only communicated by text to arrange our next meeting. I would liken it to a work relationship.

Did your dh feel anxious at all about NI and personal interaction with the donor rather than AI?

I know we both felt anxious about how it might effect our relationship. We set boundaries that were obvious, such as no kissing - and my husband listened in via phone. This was for safety reasons but I'm sure hearing it was in a way comforting to my husband as he could hear it was procedural and I was not enjoying it.

The man could have had the snip and just using you for sex. How do you know he was telling you the truth?

Were you not concerned about your sexual health? Regularly meeting a man from the internet for non protected sex, who is meeting other women for non protected sex etc.

Why would the donor man do this?

The man could have had the snip and just using you for sex. How do you know he was telling you the truth?

This was a worry, but after a couple of months I fell pregnant so it made the decision to carry on easier.

Were you not concerned about your sexual health? Regularly meeting a man from the internet for non protected sex, who is meeting other women for non protected sex etc.

Yes I was concerned, but I was also desperate for a baby. I had put my body under stress and risk during ivf and this was just another risk I was willing to take.

Why would the donor man do this?

I don't know - the reason the donor man gave me was that he had children himself and loved being a father, and had seen friends go through hell with infertility. This of course could be utter bollocks!
But the donor was educated and attractive, so if he purely wanted sex tinder or equivalent would have been far easier and reciprocal.
I also considered the possibility that conception could be some sort of fetish for him.
I'll never know but I had no reason to not believe what he told me, his actions never suggested otherwise.

Did he have to provide proof of testing for sexual diseases? (following on from the sexual health question )

Did he have to provide proof of testing for sexual diseases? (following on from the sexual health question )

I asked him to attend a sexual health clinic before we met - he sent me a screen shot of the negative result text that he received from the clinic. He also asked me to prove my clean bill of health - I did not have any proof but had been tested through the ivf process. It was a huge risk we both took though, even if I had have had solid proof that would only have been a snapshot in time and I have no idea what other sexual activity he was participating in.

I must be terribly naive. I didn't even know this was a thing.

I have no idea how popular or unpopular it is. When researching it as an option I couldn't find any forums or first hand experiences from others.

I would love to hear from someone else who has experienced it.

However it is a very private decision to make, my husband and I would never tell anyone we did this - even if it worked we had planned to say it was donor sperm and just let everyone assume it was through regulated ivf or similar. Despite the fact this has made our bond stronger than ever I know nobody in our lives would understand and all judgement would be negative.

I'm just sorry it didn't work out for you.

Thank you for answering. I am sorry it didn’t work out and I hope you are as okay as can be

At 42 the most likely reason for m/c is the quality of your eggs. Did you ever consider donor eggs (and donor sperm)?