I was orphaned aged 15 - AMA

[TheCorrections]

I lost my father aged two and my mother when I was 15. I am an only child and so were my parents so I had no aunts, uncles or cousins to take me in. My only living grandparent was in a home so I lived with family friends for 2.5 years until I left “home”. AMA.

Nothing to ask but some people get dealt a shit hand in life hope you have managed to build a new life for yourself . wishing you well

Do you know how it was decided who would take you in? I'm mulling over whether it's worth having something in writing in case my DD is in this situation.

Oh gosh, what an utterly shit hand you’ve been dealt. I hope you were well supported by the adults in your life.

Were your parents deaths unexpected?
What relationship do you now have with the family friends who cared for you?
What support is available for young, orphaned children?

Wow!!!

How old are you now? What killed your parents?

Did your background affect the way you see family relationships? For instance, would you insist on having more than one child?

Has your experience affected how many children, if any, you would like and what plans you might put into place for them ?

@snuggybuggy - my mother’s will specified my godparents as guardians but when she died I didn’t want to move across the country to where they lived. They remained my legal guardians but I moved in with my best friend’s family so I could stay at the same school. I would always make sure your Will contains instructions for guardianship upon your death as it’s a total mess if you don’t. Also make sure you have talked through money etc with whoever you nominate as your guardian.

@KitNCaboodle @ LotusInspired - my dad died of a totally unexpected stroke. My mum died of cancer which took sixteen weeks from diagnosis to death, it was fast but she did have time to make some plans with me.

The family who took me in were very kind and welcoming but obviously they didn’t love me like a daughter and I didn’t feel as comfortable with them as with my own mum. They treated me like a long term sleepover guest in some ways and thy never tried to tell me what to do or give me much guidance. I went out of my way to minimise my impact on their lives so I did a lot of helping around the house and never accepted their offers to go on holiday with them as I felt too much of an intrusion already. I have remained in touch with them and thankful to them but we aren’t terribly close now.

TheCorrections I debated starting this thread myself. My parents died when I was 13 and 15. Do you have a support network now? I have struggled with a lack of family for support since having my two kids so I’m aware I need to make better non-family connections. Have you managed the build decent support around you?

@LotusInspired - I’m 41 now and my mum died in the mid 90s. What happened to me massively influenced my own life plans. For a young age I was (a) desperate to be self sufficient and (b) desperate to build the family I never had. I married in my mid twenties and I am about to have my fourth and final child. I knew I wanted lots of kids and a busy bustling house because I never had that myself. I have forged a successful career and have stayed in the same organisation working my way up since I was 21, I don’t like the idea of leaving as I really value stability and my work is sort of like family to me in an odd way.

@hoosey - I know how you feel. I felt very lonely when I first became a mum, I wanted someone to tell me what I was like as a child, someone to hold my hand and Care about me as well as my baby. I used to resent the fact that my children were sort of subsumed into DH’s family and knew nothing about their history or traditions on my side.

I do have close friends and I stayed close to school friends who saw me through the worst part of my life. They are the only people who remember any of my childhood with me.

I also sort of bought my support network in that we have had live in au pairs since our first child was two. The au pairs are usually girls on their gap years and not only do they live with us and give very flexible childcare but I treat them like another member of the family and we all stay close to each one after they leave. They are sort of like older cousins to my kids and I love that.

@LotusInspired that sounds very difficult. im glad you have found a nice fame lot of your own to focus on. Can I ask why you wish you could stop at one (even though you say you won’t)?

Re: overriding your mum's wishes about living with your godparents - did Social Services give you more say in your housing situation because you were nearly an adult, do you think? I don't suppose they ignore wills lightly.

Were your schoolteachers supportive?

No questions just full of admiration ... amazing life you have made, so glad you now have the life you wanted .

Such an inspiration

@supersupersuper sorry I only just noticed your question. My mum got social services involved after her diagnosis and while she was still alive we arranged for me not to go to my guardians but to live with these local family friends. As my mum, my guardians, the family friends and social services all met together before mum’s death there were no real problems with the arrangements.

TheCorrections . Sounds like you have managed so well and really flourished.

Your story also resonates with me - my mum died when I was 3 (at the age of 42 - I am now the same age). Dad died when I was 22. Luckily I have a sister - but it was still tough.

It is hard when you have kids, isn't it? I have felt very isolated. Sometimes I can't help but resent my in-laws even though they mean well. They'll never be my parents, and it will always be DH and my DC who will be the most important to them.

OP I lost my mum when I was 20 and my dad 2 years later, almost to the day and although of course I was legally well into adulthood when I was orphaned I look back now and think how terribly young I was. I'm also an only child and it was really like having my whole world taken away overnight. I totally relate to your need to contruct your own family and how hard it is to have no one to reminisce with or ask questions of.

I am now only 4 years younger than my mum was when she died and I find myself being more and more obsessed with what would happen to my children if I die. Not just the practical side of things but also how I could somehow fill the massive mum-shaped hole that woudl be left. Do you feel the same and is there anything you have done about this?

@TwigTheWonderKid - your early twenties is still so young. And in a way I found that stage harder as everyone thinks you are an adult so nobody tried to plug the hole left where your parents were.

I too obsess about dying. I have never been able to imagine living to an old age. What do i do about that? I guess one thing is having really clear practical plans for the kids guardianship and finances. Another thing I think might be connected is that I obsessively create concrete embodiments of our memories. Each year I spend hours creating a hard back printed photo album of everything we have done each month, I also scan in my favourite pictures and school work that the kids produce and put it all in another album for each of them so that when they leave school they can have one printed book of all their best work. I do holiday journals with them which we write together. I edit my phone videos into a chronological iMovie. The girls each have a charm bracelet I gave them at birth and I add a charm at each birthday which relates to a memory from that year. Partly I do all that because I enjoy it but partly I want them to have easy access to memory triggers if I’m not around to remind them of all the stuff we did.

Wow, speechless, you are such strong woman.

What did you when you first left "home"? Did you get any support at all?