Twice hospitalised after suicide attempts AMA

[ParryHotterx]

Thought hard about posting this. But I’m here, and reasonably well at the moment, maybe I can help others and/or dispel some myths around the craziness :)

do you have any kids? if so, did you tell them why you were in hospital? what do you think of the view that suicide is selfish?

I don’t have children, for a variety of reasons but one being that I’m aware I’m not mentally stable enough and a lot of looking after children eg the lack of sleep, stress, worry would cause a relapse.
I see the argument of suicide being selfish, but when you’re at that stage that part of your brain just doesn’t work. My first attempt was also related to psychosis where I didn’t believe I was real

that's very interesting thank you for answering. do you think mental health problems are something you were born with or a result of some sort of trauma in your life?

That’s something I’ve asked myself a lot and I’ve reached the conclusion it’s a bit of both. I think I’m naturally inclined to melancholy and I had a great uncle who I never met who shot himself so possibly heridtary. Looking back there were sign of low level psychosis as a young child that I never questioned such as I remember looking at the rug in the living room and seeing it ‘breathing’ and I wouldn’t have been more than 5-6 then.
But trauma I think has been the catalyst to developing a serious illness
Hope that makes sense!

Sorry tried that out in stages, I’m usually much better at using punctuation

Ffs *typed

What did you do to improve your mental health and get out of the suicidal mindset?

It’s been a very gradual process, and there’s still days (well mornings, I’m always worse in the mornings) where I still fantasise about it. But I’m reasonably sure now I’ll never act on it again, I’ve much more of a ‘this to shall pass’ attitude
As to what I did, became a lot more self aware of what was me and what was the illness. Tried to take care of myself better. EAT! I would go days without food and that made me much worse (I don’t have an eating disorder I just didn’t have the energy to make food). Cut down on the booze. Developed quite a dark sense of humour. A hundred little things that came together and made it manageable.

Why did you do it? What was in your mind?
So glad you didn’t succeed.
Thank you for raising the topic

Thank you
First time is still very hazy to me. I go though stages of feeling like I’m not real, or that I’ve already died, and I that was one of those times. I took an overdose but not in one go. I spent 24 hours just taking pills every half hour or so, I drank kitchen cleaner, I don’t remember being particularly upset I was completely disassociated from what I was doing. Even now I find it very hard to explain.
Second time (6 years later) was much more ‘typical’. I’d been struggling for a while, was in a very unhappy relationship, I’d started cutting myself and it just came to an awful overwhelming head. It wasn’t planned, I just suddenly couldn’t breathe, couldn’t see past the moment I was in and to end my life just seemed to make such perfect sense.

How did you find hospital? Were you sectioned?

Were you annoyed to be still alive? How did you cope with it not working? Or were you happy

I was living in different parts of the country each time.
Hospital one: bloody awful. Had no support other than the crisis team having a half hour chat with me after I was discharged. Mainly focused on ‘was I in debt’ once theyd established I wasn’t, and I promised not to do it again, I got sent on my merry way with a gp referral.
Second hospital: much better. One of the nurses was particularly fantastic and she was only a young girl. From there I had a better crisis team, sectioning was discussed but as I was married at the time I was released into the ‘care’ of my husband with an outpatient referral to the mental health unit (the one for properly crazy people not just the MH services ). However the appointment got lost and it was only thanks to my bloody amazing gp at the time who saw me every day and badgered them to death that I believe I was ever seen.

Tbh most of the health care I’ve received has been abysmal. The individuals care deeply, but there’s no infrastructure.

I was too numb to be pleased/annoyed about being alive. Just a massive sense of weariness if anything

Thanks for explaining as it must be v difficult. Sorry you have been through this.

I think starting this is pretty brave. I have questions but I worry about you being triggered by this post and questions people have. X

@TillyMint81 it’s lovely of you to worry but I don’t find this at all triggering.
I should clarify that when I said above I still have the thoughts, it’s a couple of hours every few months, rather than the almost constant fantasies it used to be. I do wonder if it’s now just like a bad habit, a conditioned reaction to stress.
I’ll never be totally well, but Im mostly quite content these days and when I’m not I’m able to ride it out