I accompanied my mum to Dignitas AMA

[Atreus]

Nearly 3 years ago I supported my beloved mum in her decision to end her life at Dignitas. Realise this can be a sensitive topic but happy to share our experience in the hope it may help or even just better inform anyone...

Apileofballyhoo - yes, I was my mum's only child.

I've no questions. Just wanted to say how brave you and your mum were.

BonApp - yes, you get to choose your date. Once my mum had been given the 'green light' I assumed she would choose to go in maybe 3-4 months time. She was so concerned about not being able to travel though that she chose a date within 6 weeks. That was tough as I'd mentally prepared (as much as you can) for a few months left with her and suddenly we only had a few weeks. In her true style though she wanted to know what my work diary was like so she could plan around it. It was one of the only times I ever swore badly in front of her when I said 'for fucks sake Mum, I think this might just take priority over a fucking work trip'.

No questions, but I wanted to send hugs. My grandmother choose to die at Dignitas, and my mum did most of the arranging. She found that part incredibly hard - it went against all her instincts to hasten the death of a parent. But in the end, she was glad she did it. It was a really lovely death - nearly all of her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren were there, and the rest all skyped, and there was music and stories and laughter and togetherness and love.

Off to bed now, but I just wanted to thank everyone for your kindness, questions and for sharing your experiences of illness and loss. I've been hmmming and haaa-Ing about posting this for a few weeks and I'm so glad I did.

Thank you for this thread.

Do you campaign for change in the UK or do you think you might in the future?

Broomstick - I'm so pleased your family had a similar positive experience. Ours was much quieter, just my mum and I but I felt very privileged to have been there with her with a sense of peace that she was leaving on her terms having said everything she wished to have said to everyone she loved and who loved her. I just wish we could all have had her for longer.

Wafflyversatile - yes I have campaigned/fund-raised, written to my MP etc. I'm sure I could do more though, although other members of my family are intensely private so I tread a fine line between increasing awareness and having sensitivity for their feelings.

What an incredible daughter you are Atreus.

Do you worry that you will get motor Neptune disease? Would you make the same decision as your mum if so?

Thanks so much for sharing this.I know this is a route my dad plans to take, if the circumstances arise, so it's immeasurably valuable and comforting to read your story. You and your mum both sound very brave, although I am now concerned about the dignitas curtains

Sorry that question came over as a bit confrontational. Do you get a feeling that it is something that could change here soon?

Curtaintwitchers - my mum had genetic testing and so they were able to determine that the cause of her MND was not hereditary. That's not to say I won't get it, but it won't have been passed down (which is a huge relief when I think of my children). Knowing what I know now though, I wouldn't hesitate to make the same decision my mum did.

Wafflyversitile - I really hope things will change. I think as there is more and more experience in other countries, there will be a greater sense of understanding. I do think it would need to be incredibly well controlled though.

Just want to say @Atreus that you and your Mum sound lovely. I have nothing to say but just want you to know that I have the utmost respect for you both.

What a brave woman your mum was

@Atreus I don't have a question as such but also wanted to say a big thank you for posting this thread. I believe a "good death" is a great, great gift and you found it in yourself to help your mother receive that gift, even though it was hard for you. That is truly amazing.

for you, and may your brave, strong mother rest in peace.

Yes thanks for me
Too

When your wrote about your kids seeing her for the last time I got very teary xx

Thank you for sharing your experience with us.

Can I ask a few questions about the process?

Did your mum have any difficulty getting sufficient medical evidence to give to Dignitas?
Were her UK doctors aware of her decision?

Thank you

Thank you again everyone for your lovely comments.

Hopelessly devoted - obtaining the medical records for her MND diagnosis was quite straightforward, dental records were a bit more complicated. She mentioned to her GP soon after her diagnosis that she was potentially considering Dignitas. He was very understanding but said he hoped she understood that he could not assist her in any way. She didn't talk to him about it again, but I know he was one of the people who received a thank you letter from her after she died. I haven't spoken to him but I do wonder whether it made him think differently.

Atreus thank you for this thread. So sorry for the loss of your DM -she sounds like an amazing woman. As do you.

Atreus I don't have any questions but I just wanted to say your kindness and love for your mum shines through in every page of this thread. Supporting her through this was such a selfless and loving thing to do and I hope that if I was ever put in such a difficult situation I was able to handle it in the same way you do.

You are a wonderful daughter OP. What a brave woman your mum was

Thank you so much for posting about your experience. You are an incredible daughter .

I only hope that if I am ever in a position such as your mums that my kids will be as supportive as you were.

I've been hmmming and haaa-Ing about posting this for a few weeks and I'm so glad I did.

@Atreus

My sincere condolences for your loss.

I just wanted to say a huge thank you for starting this thread and for sharing such sensitive and personal experiences.

This is incredibly valuable thread and raises issues likely to affect all of us at some point during our lives whether directly or indirectly.

Anyone who bangs on about the AMA section being pointless or a waste of time should be made to read this exceptionally thoughtful and valuable thread.

Thank you.

Thank you so much, Atreus, for this moving and, for me, useful thread. I only hope my daughters would do as much for me as you did for your DM.