I accompanied my mum to Dignitas AMA

[Atreus]

Nearly 3 years ago I supported my beloved mum in her decision to end her life at Dignitas. Realise this can be a sensitive topic but happy to share our experience in the hope it may help or even just better inform anyone...

No questions but

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Following as it's always something I've thought about if it got to that point in the future.

Thank you Atreus, I really appreciate your answer.

You mention that your Mum organised things quite quickly and didn't tell very many people. Were other friends and family understanding or did you have any difficulties when you came back?

Is it peaceful?
You are so brave. I'd have been begging the person not to do it. I'm too selfish.

Patchysmum - yes it was. Once she drank the pentobarbital it took about 5 minutes before she got drowsy. During that time she told me how much she had loved and been loved and what a wonderful life she had. Then she thanked the NHS for their care and fell asleep. She coughed and gurgled a couple of times but nothing like choking. And then stopped breathing about 20 minutes later.

Sorry...that was supposed to be 'yes it was peaceful'

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Was she buried or cremated in Switzerland? If not, how did you go about repatriating her body? I imagine that could be very expensive.

Atreus Your post makes me so angry. I'm furious that we cannot have this option in the UK, that we are denied the basic right to decide our own end and avoid suffering.

Your Mum sounds like an incredibly strong, brave and eminently sensible woman. As do you. Hats off to you and thank you for talking about this subject openly.

Oh Saturdaynight I'm so sorry about your nan and your mum. To go through this twice must be so so hard. I reckon it cost around 10K. Mum didn't want us to know anything really about the cost as she wanted to shield us from any repercussions. She was lucky enough to be able to afford this, but it's a lot of money and another reason why I'm saddened this is not an option in the UK as travel and then staying in Switzerland for the time before attending the clinic is not cheap.

If you are Swiss, you have the choice to die at home rather than at the Dignitas clinic.

Thank you for your reply. There are a few things left to rule out before mum has a MND diagnosis, so we’re all hoping it’s one of those.

What an amazing daughter you are. Wish this country were better at dealing with life limiting and terminal illness.

NotMyCircus - Dignitas strongly recommend cremation so that's what we did. I'd asked my mum what she wanted and got a very matter of fact 'I don't mind, I won't be there' response. She wanted them to take care of her ashes and didn't want any sort of funeral or remembrance service as she didn't want a fuss. In hindsight I wish I'd ignored that one. Immediately afterwards I was pretty shell-shocked but I felt I'd let everyone down by not organising anything.

KERALA1 - so sorry to hear your family has been through this too. And on top of all the anguish around the journey that the police are now involved. I wasn't living in the UK and so was spared this. I so hope your family have been treated with sensitivity.

Wow OP amazing story. Your Mum sounds lovely.

Can I ask about her luggage? Did she travel in a wheelchair and have clothing etc?

What happens to those things?

First of all I am sorry for your loss and think you did an amazing thing to support your mum. I have a couple of questions...
Were the Dignitas staff kind to you afterwards - did they give you any support? And I'm curious about the actual surroundings and atmosphere of the clinic - did it seem like any other healthcare clinic, or was there any sense of it being more homely or peaceful?

What a brave family you are.

Do you have to pick a date? How does it work in terms of deciding when it’s the right time? Was your mum nervous?

My dad was definitely ready to die (he had a horrid cancer) and told us a couple of weeks before that he’d had enough and didn’t want anyone to do anything to prolong things. So we knew he was ready. He was adamant. But by that point he was too ill to sit up, let alone travel abroad. I think I’m theiry he would’ve liked to have the final control and the last few days of unconsciousness were really tough on us. So I can see how this would’ve appealed to him, but I can’t work out the logistics - ie by the time he was mentally ready for the end, he was physically unable to travel.... I’m waffling now but hope you get my gist.

. Im sorry for your loss. I do hope as I did that you find comfort in the fact that your lovely mum passed peacefully and happily. Did you physically feel the tranquillity I know I did
I'll never forget being in the room with my mum and my dd after shed passed and the feeling of love and tranquillity was literally out of this world. That's the only way I can describe it. Me my mum and DD were or rather are all exceptionally close and at that moment it was It was as if the whole world had disappeared and there was only the three of us left. It seems insane to say it about a time when my beautiful mum passed but couldn't put a price on what I'd pay to bottle that feeling up.

ThatEscalated - although she hardly told anyone before she went to Dignitas, she sent letters explaining her decision to lots of her friends to arrive after she had died. I think some of them wished she had told them beforehand but I haven't heard anything negative from anyone saying they didn't understand. She just wanted all her last conversations with them to be 'normal' and not full of tears.

It was the same with my children. They knew their Granny was ill but not how ill and she didn't want the remaining time she spent with them impacted by their knowledge of her decision. That was really tough for me, especially the last time they saw her when I knew it would be the last time but they didn't. I agonised over that one.

Are you an only child, Atreus? I'm sorry for your loss.

Plire - we borrowed a wheelchair and walker from Dignitas and so they just stayed at the Dignitas house. For her other luggage she travelled very light, and I took her small suitcase home with me afterwards. That was hard.

@Atreus, I don’t think the opinion of strangers should ever matter to you but, as a stranger, can I say that I really admire your mum? What a brave thing for her to do, and I hope you feel that she got the dignity she deserved; it certainly sounds like it.

My MIL has been dying of a degenerative condition for over 40 years. For the past 6 years, she’s been in a near-vegetative state in a nursing home. There’s no dignity in it, she’d hate what she is now. My husband (who is 42 so “lost” his mother when he was very young) often says he wishes that there was some form of euthanasia available but obviously very different in MIL’s case as she hasn’t the capability to consent anyway.

It’s just an awful situation. I really admire your mum.

Miracleaccident - the Dignitas staff were exactly as I hoped they would be. There have to be witnesses present to ensure no coercion and that the decision is being made entirely of free will. This is also why there are two doctor visits in person in the preceding days where family members are not allowed to attend.

When we arrived at the Dignitas house, we were met by a Swiss couple. She spoke perfect English, he didn't but between them they were the perfect balance of calm and empathy and efficiency, whilst having to ask some very straightforward questions 'do you wish to die today?' They were present in the room throughout without being overly present, if you know what I mean and treated my mum and I with such kindness.

The house itself is a little strange to be honest. It's blue and on the edge of an industrial estate although overlooks fields. It's very much a house rather than a clinic but the room was quite sparse to be honest. It could do with some new curtains (as my mum pointed out!)

Oh wow

This is So insightful. Thankyou so much for posting.

Does it hurt you when people use Dignitas as a throw away comment like 'if I lose my marbles book me a one way ticket to dignitas'

Sort of devaluing the process and the service it provides?

That must have been extremely hard when it came to your kids Atreus but I hope you take some comfort in the fact that your Mum had a dignified death at a time of her choosing.

You respected her wishes, even though it must have been so incredibly difficult. That to me shows the strength of your love and care for her.

Thank you ThatEscalated, after I told them that Granny had died and the decision she'd made (they're teenagers), they said we'd made the right choice in not telling them before.