I am a former cocaine addict ask me anything

[InsaneCocaine]

I was addicted to cocaine on and off for 10 years. AMA!

What tipped you over from recreational user to addict?

How do you feel about being responsible for the horrific torture and murder of hundreds and thousands of people, for example the dismemberment of a six year old child in front of her parents, just so you could get your fix?

www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/marciano-millan-vasquez-jailed-life-mexican-cartel-leader-dismembered-six-year-old-girl-a7816511.html

What tipped you over from recreational user to addict?

Hard to say as I was never a daily user, at my peak it was weekend binges... but I remember being able to have a little bit at parties and when the bag ran out I was fine with that and would go home.... then a point came where I had to get more and more and would keep going into the next day. And it became more something I had to do than a shall I -shan't I thing.

I was already a recreational user, but hooked up with a boyfriend with addiction problems who would go on binges and even though we didn't last that long (the addiction lasted far far longer!) when we broke up I realised that my using had changed and become more abuse/misuse than recreational.

What made you stop? Did you consider the effect it was having on those around you? Was you ever violent whilst on it? Do you remember all of the night (or most of it) or is some of it blacked out?

What made you stop? Did you consider the effect it was having on those around you? Was you ever violent whilst on it? Do you remember all of the night (or most of it) or is some of it blacked out?

Absolutely I knew it was having a detrimental effect on my family life (ended up married with kids and still using, husband would join in sometimes but not the main protagonist) and I'd feel horribly guilty but the addiction would minimise it in my head, and i'd go through periods of not using all that often (every couple of months or so whilst away from home with friends from a different town i used to live in), but it was really hard to control my use and it kept increasing. So I'd go through periods of using a bit, using more, stopping for a bit... rinse and repeat.

I was never violent on it, and I always remembered stuff on it (AFAIK) as it's not the sort of drug that makes you black out or forget stuff IMO. It just made me very chatty, everyone was my best mate (whilst on it) and probably a bit annoying.

What made me stop finally admitting that i couldn't control my use and just use it occasionally or on special occasions - took me a long time to admit that. You'll basically tell yourself any old shit to keep the addiction going ie minimise it, I can handle it, I only do it every now and then etc. All BS. And one incident where I stayed out all night, came home at 8.30 am to my husband and children and realised it HA D to stop or else I'd lose the respect and love of my family forever.

AutisticHedgehog I didn't even consider my own children's needs let alone those of people I'd never met. It's almost like the addiction makes you over ride your own moral code, although I accept full responsibilty for my actions and don't buy in to the disease concept of addiction.

Of course I feel horribly guilty now for anything I did wrong as a result of drug use, but I'm just very relieved I managed to get out.

How did you stop? And are you going to be honest with your kids about it one day?

Do you think you have an addictive personality, and if so, do you think/worry about replacing cocaine with something else?

I’m not criticising, just curious. I’ve always avoided any drugs (and gambling), because if I did it and liked it, I’d want to keep on doing it, probably to my detriment, ultimately.

How did you stop? And are you going to be honest with your kids about it one day?

I kept stopping and starting again, but each time I stopped I was more and more desperate for it to be permanent. However cocaine is a very insidious addiction and I'll describe it as being like trying to fight a war when your footsoldiers keep defecting to the other side.

Eventually I used a method called Rational Recovery which can be used for all sorts of addictions, and basically involved making a vow not to use again and then identifying any thoughts that suggest further use/cravings/desire to use again as coming from the addict part of you, that you learn to master using the techniques of the approach. So you basically learn to say 'I don't want it, it's the addict part of me that wants it, which I have control over'.

The first time I learned about this approach I wasn't really ready to stop forever, I still wanted to use now and then which as we all know doesn't really work if you're truly addicted.

Eventually I realised that I had to accept I could use no more, and it's strange I went through a period of feeling like I was mourning the loss of the addiction, like the addict part of me was dying and grieving (!), but I knew that was the price to pay for my freedom and it was a price worth paying.

It really does feel like you have someone (addict part of you) living in your head when you are properly addicted, controlling your thoughts and organising your actions to direct you to use.... it's like you have a relationship with that person. It very much felt like ending a relationship that's gone sour/abusive but it's hard to let go as there have been a lot of good times and it was all sweet in the beginning.

And are you going to be honest with your kids about it one day?

I don't see why not if they are adults. Maybe not all the details, but I could tell them something of it if it felt right to do so.

Do you think you have an addictive personality, and if so, do you think/worry about replacing cocaine with something else?

Absolutely, I'm not a very moderate person! I used to have a sugar/food addiction although since giving up sugar earlier this year that's under control. My main alternative addiction is shopping but that's not going to kill me or get me in trouble with the law so not half as bad as drugs!
Luckily for me, alcohol makes me sleepy after a couple of drinks, it's not really my drug so doubt I'd become an alcoholic.

I'm now trying to channel my addictive personality into healthier pursuits - recently taken up running for example. As I've got older I've realised I can't abuse my health and expect to get away with it so I aim for a healthy lifestyle now and try to undo some of the damage from over the years!