I'm a vicar's OH, AMA

[Madhairday]

Also a vicar's daughter... So ask away :)

Do you think being the daughter of a vicar had anything to do with you being a vicar's OH?

Are you married to the vicar?

Are you religious yourself?

Dh wasn't a vicar when I married him, it was a few years later he started looking into it. I thought I'd married an engineer/manager

Yes, I also have a strong faith.

Hi MHD - how much would a vicar's wife have to contribute to church life? I keep thinking of Olivia Coleman as Rev's wife in the BBC series as she had her own things to do.

I’m
About to become one too! Can you offer me any pearls of wisdom/coping strategies?

Hi MsForestier! Thankfully there's no hard and fast rule - you can do as much or as little as you like. Some churches do have expectations of vicar's wives (though funnily enough not the same of vicar's husband's) and friends have reported being expected to sort the flower arranging rota and take over the entire children's work, but others are much more relaxed. Mine have been lovely and not put any expectations on me, and I've very much varied in what I've done. In our last church I was co-leader and did a lot of work, but I have poor health and my own work took off more so I've been concentrating on that this time, I lead a home group but apart from that I'm very relaxed here :)

Betchet - congratulations! You're going to have an amazing time. I wouldn't have life any other way. I'd say it's really important not to jump in straight away and get involved with loads of things. Take some time - at least six months - and find out if you feel you want to join with stuff. Or not - don't put pressure on yourself to be someone you're not. It can be difficult if the last vicar's spouse was really busy in the church and did everything and baked a million wonderful cakes unlike me - but don't let that become a pressure on you.

Best advice is to be the person you are, not pretend to be who you're not.

And make sure your dh takes his day off every week - and doesn't answer the phone or the door! Protect your time :)

When are you going into it?

Have you ever considered becoming a vicar yourself?

Thanks for the tips

He starts ordinand training in September.

Do you stay home on his days off, or do you absent yourself so that you don't get cornered by stuff? And do you have an official phone line separate to a personal one?

Screaming, I've thought about it long and hard. But I have a serious chronic illness which means I simply couldn't do the job - and also I don't have that sense of calling to it which is so crucial.

Bechet - great! Exciting times.

FloralBunting - I often take his day off as mine too so we do something together if I'm well enough eg national trust property or go to the cinema or something. I don't tend to get cornered into stuff as he's very strict about it being rest time so we try to avoid even talking about work :)

Yes, he has a separate phone line for work. I never answer it as it's in his office and I use my mobile for all my personal and work stuff.

Madhairday I'm sorry to hear about your debilitating illness . You mention a calling - was this something your husband felt suddenly, or was it a gradual process? How did you feel when you learned he was taking that path?

Thanks, Screaming.

He mentioned it in passing early on, almost jokingly, that he thought he might have a calling. As soon as he said it, I just knew. It fitted. I did laugh and kick out a little and said I'd had quite enough of vicarage life thankyou, but actually felt excited about the possibilities.

He didn't look at it for another few years, but it was an idea which grew with both of us and it felt like the right time when he started exploring.

Oh and MsForestier I adore Olivia Coleman in Rev (and everything else). She is my role model. I especially like her vicar's wives parties

She was great when he had 'ontological angst' in one of the episodes!

She was!

I love Colin too.

Another ministers wife here!

Another soon to be Vicar's wife. DH training for ordination in September. Currently pregnant with second bubba and concerned about how much will be expected of me. I support my DH but I have my own career and own aspirations. Don't want to be stuck on cake making duty too often!

Hello sexnotgender and fluffy :)

Fluffy - see above - master the art of 'no' very quickly it sounds like you have a lot on! Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Sexnotgender - is your OH a C of E vicar too or another denomination?

CoS here😊

Ooh, would be interested to hear how the CoS selection process works, is it the same as CofE? How do you find being in the denomination - what's it like in general - is it like CofE in that it covers a million different styles of church or does it tend to be more geared to one type of worship? (Sorry, ignorant here!)

I'm guessing MHD that you live in parish accommodation. Do you mind that or would you really much prefer a place of your own?

Yes, I live in a vicarage. In some ways it's great - we can just ring the diocese of something goes wrong - but there's never a sense that it's ours to keep, if you see what I mean. But I think that's where my upbringing probably helps - I never had that feeling of attachment to a house because we moved a lot and just made our home wherever we were - and we very much take that view now. We try and personalise the house and make it ours.

It's not great for future security but we're lucky enough to own a house (from before dh went into ministry) and be able to rent it out so we have somewhere to retire to. A lot of people in this position don't and that's hard as there's not really the money to save unless the spouse earns a lot.

I do feel privileged to be living here and doing this life. So much to be grateful for. Just had 10 people for lunch including a family from Malaysia who are over on a diocesan visit, absolutely fascinating to hear about their life and work.

Also a vicars DD
I am pleased have the nest egg

My mum
Worked FT so found it hard sometimes . And it did get political

How do you handle falling congregation numbers ? Are you seeing this ?

In our church numbers are rising, it's a very big thriving church, but I am aware of many others not in this position, and it does make me feel sad. I see congregations who don't want to change in any way to welcome newer generations of different demographics and groups of people, and then moan when families don't come to their churches. But these are not in the majority. Most are really trying to be welcoming and inclusive.

Many churches are still growing, in the c of E and out of it. But we need to face reality too - many aren't.

I wasn’t with my DH when he went through the selection process so not entirely sure sorry!
It does seem to be geared to one type of worship but being the massive heathen that I am I’m not overly familiar with the nuances.
Our congregation are an absolute delight, we are very lucky.