I'm a male submissive ama

[Andr5w]

Good afternoon all.

A couple of conversations recently when dating has shown that there seem to be a lot of assumptions and stereotypes of the sort of lifestyle and role that I have enjoyed.

To be fair, there are plenty of experiences with individuals who give the lifestyle a bad name, but I like to think that not all of us live up to that bad reputation.

Also I like to think of myself as fairly 'normal'.

Anyway for those interested or curious, go ahead and ask away, I'm always open and totally honest.

Well the obvious question is why?

Do you have a high-powered job and enjoy being submissive to counteract that?

Do you have a dominant partner? Or do you pay for the services of a dominatrix?

Dominatrix here! Although NOT soliciting, quite happy with my number of clients!

Are you active in the 'scene' in your area?

@MyBreadIsEggy thanks for the question.

I do have some responsibility with my job and do manage a team of around 20, but it didn't develop as a result of any job and I see it more of a personality trait then a reaction to any one part of my life.

Why do I enjoy it? I get real satisfaction from pleasing others. I am most happy when I'm able to make or facilitate other people having a good time, or enjoying themselves - the D / s dynamic involves two people directly working together as a partnership - so there is a much stronger correlation between my actions and the other person enjoying themselves.

Although this would also be possible in every healthy relationship and so there is also a bit of a kinkier side in terms of enjoying giving up power and control and part of a power exchange.

I have never paid for the services of a professional and have had relationships that have been 'vanilla' and dominant. Although the vanilla ones have always been missing a certain x factor.

@Dommina the clue is in your user name ;-)

I used to be much more active, I kind of fell out of the scene for a while as I focused on my work and relationships at the time that weren't part of the scene.

I have recently been making efforts to rejoin the scene, although where I live there isn't a particularly active (or large one)

Question about “the scene”...

Say you’ve been to a party one night (is that the right word?), and got down and dirty with someone, have you ever bumped into them elsewhere? Like at work or something?
Is that mega awkward?!

@MyBreadIsEggy

The short answer is that a few times and no. I've had far more awkward experiences bumping into people I've been 'friendly' with at friends' parties or on bad dates with.

Parties or events are just one part of an active scene. There are also regular meetups in pubs and other places where people just get together and talk about whatever (these meetings are called munches). Therefore anyone I see locally tends to be a friends and not awkward.

Sure there are times are events where I've had awkward experiences but fortunately have never run into these people in day-to-day life.

Sorry for all the questions - but this is an AMA
I’m quite interested in knowing the truth about this scene after all the 50 Shades hype.

Without going into too much detail, as there’s a sex topic for that - but how far to you take being a submissive?
Just a bit of spanking/humiliation? Or full on pegging/bodily fluid play etc?

Sorry I'm not going to answer the question as I don't want to hijack your thread, but Eggy please don't take '50 Shades of Shit' as an accurate representation of BDSM relationships. It glamourises abuse and consent violations.

Dommina - that’s why I’m asking. I knew it wasn’t representative of the BDSM community, so want to know what it actually entails.
(I mean I’m never going to say no to watching a naked Jamie Dornan do his thing on telly though )

I’m interested in how the party scene side of things works, as I thought a ‘true’ D/S relationship was down to trust, communication and knowing how far you can push each other’s boundaries? Surely parties are the equivalent of one night stands which would make that side of things somewhat difficult and potentially unsatisifying from an authentic d/s pov?

Do you dom from the bottom?

@MyBreadisEggy every relationship is different and everyone has their own likes and dislikes. I have been fortunate enough to experience everything (including all you mentioned) from a bit of light spanking and service submission to full on 27/7 lifestyle play.

@SporkintheToaster Absolutely in the sense that a deep D / s relationship takes time and trust and can't be recreated at an event. However, events can be great places to try new things, learn new things. Before any play at a party there is a level of discussion and agreement about the 'scene' but no anyone I play with at a party would not become my Dominant or my Mistress etc.

@DieAntword I certainly think I was guilty of that when I was younger and newer. Really though topping from the bottom to me means not expressing my wants / needs / expectations before hand and trying to negotiate in the moment - which can be very unsatisfactory for everyone.

What made you realise that you wanted/needed to include BDSM in your life?

@shackUp long before I could give it a name I always had crushes and imagination that involved authorative (often older) women.

I started to better understand those desires and learn about bdsm after being introduced to it by a girlfriend who was older and had friends in the scene at university. Then through experimentation and research etc I went further on the journey and realised how natural it felt.

I didn't know I 'needed' until I went out with some 'vanilla' people and found out how unsatisfying that side of things was without it.

Do you think that being a male submissive is a massive turn on for you precisely because it contravenes typical patriarchal male socialisation, which emphasises dominance, being in control sexually and socially etc?

(I know that discovering (well into adulthood) that I enjoyed submissive sex felt really problematic for me as a feminist , because I think that acting out/giving into that kind of gendered cultural script damages everyone. Politically, I would be far happier being dominant, but it does nothing at all for me sexually.)

I suppose my question is -- was coming to term with being sexually submissive problematic for you at all?

@IrmaTooth I feel that it would be great to agree, but to he honest the enjoyment I get has very little to do with macro concepts such as contravening typical male roles and everything to do with the person I am with and my impact on them.

That said, I have struggled over the years to sometimes accept myself as submissive for the reasons you mention. I would go as far as to say I have gone through periods of being ashamed, feeling that somehow I was less than other males etc.

Fortunately I rarely do these days as I am comfortable enough to realise that the traits that make me a (hopefully) good submissive are desirable traits for all e.g. attentiveness, working hard on communication, empathy, self confidence etc.

Have you ever met a Domme who wasn't actually a switch? I have met men with absolutely no submissiveness in them whatsoever but haven't yet found a Domme who couldn't switch for the right person.

AynRand I know at least one who doesn't switch, also in my experience the vast majority of men enjoy being sub from time to time.

@AynRand I think labels such as sub and Dom are useful for broadly categorizing the types of things people like - as a summary it's useful when getting to know people.

However in fact most people, in my experience, like lots of different things from across the spectrum. I don't believe that there are a specific list of Dom things and submissive things - context and motive is everything.

For example, if I tie a dominant up - am I being a dominant or top? Or am I showing my service to her in another way?

Do you purely play for fun or do you actually feel like your meeting a psychological need in women who want to dominate?

I wouldn't mind PMing you to ask some questions I wouldn't feel comfortable to ask on thread but won't do that unless you were ok with that. So please PM me if willing otherwise I will just respect your thread and read with interest

@abitchnow I would draw parallels with vanilla relationships. In a vanilla fwb setup the focus is on play and maybe both people don't feel that any deep rooted needs are being met. In a more serious relationship then it's probably the case that individual needs and wants are being met.

D / s is really a lot less about sex than most people imagine. Sure the kinky play is fun but most psychological needs will be more involved.

I don’t understand the point you made in your post in response to Irma — in what ways do empathy, self-confidence, attentiveness etc make a good sub? Isn’t it a matter of enjoying being dominated and having things done to you that turn you on? If you like being beaten or humiliated or whatever, how does self-confidence or empathy come into it?

Oh, and how do you negotiate this stuff in the context of a new relationship? Do you only date people you know are a good match for you sexually, or how do you approach it? If you meet someone through work and fall violently in love but it turns out she’s repelled by what you like sexually, is that something you could give up for good?

@GrandPianos there are two people in every scene. If I'm enjoying having things done to me, I need to make sure that I'm letting the Dominant know that I'm enjoying it, giving her feedback. Maybe I know that we are trying something that I really enjoy but she likes less so - am I aware enough to understand when she is not having a good time - and what can I do to change that.

If it's a relationship and we live together, there will be nights when a dominant might just need a friend or partner to talk to rather than a sub that night.

Just like any relationship involving two people, both have a responsibility to look after the after and make sure their needs are being met just as much as one's own. This isn't always going to be possible in the middle of a scene, nor will attentiveness etc be that valuable at an event - but so much of a D/s relationship takes place 'outside of the bedroom' and that's where those qualities I talk about make a difference.

New relationships are always tricky - especially when you're not sure if the other person is in to the same things. I generally date people that I know from the community (or websites) and so its often obvious.

I have been in a situation where the relationship has been great except for them not being into the same things. To be honest I thought I could make it work and manage without but in the end I couldn't. I regret that I wasn't more honest with her or myself earlier but it is a lesson that I've learnt from.

Did you have an unusual/unhappy childhood?

I always think people into this stuff must have.