I'm a single mum by choice AMA

[TreasureInMyTummy]

I realise I'm starting this thread quite late at night so I'll try to answer as much as I can tonight and then during nap times and other times I can snatch tomorrow onwards- apologies in advance for pauses with my answers xxx

What circumstances lead to you being a single Mum?

How do you pay for childcare on one salary or have you had to give up work? If you work, do you feel guilty coming home at bed time?

Were you in a relationship with your child's father when you conceived?

Does your child's father have any contact with your child?

PS I'm considering the same so please excuse the direct questions. I'm genuinely wondering how it works on one average salary.

What circumstances lead to you being a single Mum?'

A: I still haven't met the right man, I hope I do one day but more and more I became anxious I would get too old to have children. I thought about doing it myself with donor sperm for four years. I tried to take every opportunity to date and did see someone for six months. It totally wasn't right but I was still considering sticking with him so I could have children and I realised that wasn't right thing to do. So I did more research, soul searching, talking to friends and family,financial planning and went for it

How do you pay for childcare on one salary or have you had to give up work? If you work, do you feel guilty coming home at bed time?

I've not quite reached that stage as my little one is 8 months old. However I had worked hard in work most of twenties so was in a good role/pay and I delayed trying for a year so I could secure another promotion as I was on cusp of moving up a grade and I had a feeling that would be more difficult to do once I had a baby.

Due to this I know I will only have to return to work and do three days a week. I also moved back to where my family live to ensure my child had a close relationship with wider family but also to help with childcare.

Finally this was unexpected but when I did move I got financial advice and realised I could keep my first house and rent out and buy another house close to family.

@hello

Tax credits, no overseas holidays, gave up the car and swapped Waitrose for Tesco.

I’m also a LP, though not by choice, and (the previously generous) financial support dried up after a year.

So did you conceive your little one from your partner of 6 months or from donor sperm?

I have huge respect OP!

Do you worry about what to tell LO later on about their dad / how they were conceived? Do you feel judged by society / like you have to defend your choice?

If you work, do you feel guilty coming home at bed time?

I used to work in London and if I had met a partner the likelihood would have been we would still both have had to work.

I do expect to feel guilty when I have to go back to work especially if I have to work late, but I expect I will be no different than any other mother who has to work ( with or without a partner)

So far what do you find is the best and the worst aspect to it?

Do you think it would work even if you didn't live near your family? How much are they involved day to day?

When you chose to be a lone parent, did you also consider an arrangement with a co-parent (or two e.g. a gay couple)?

*Were you in a relationship with your child's father when you conceived?

Does your child's father have any contact with your child?*

Single mum by choice so I went to fertility clinic and used donor sperm.

PS I'm considering the same so please excuse the direct questions. I'm genuinely wondering how it works on one average salary.

I'm fortunate now to earn a good salary and now with the added benefit of rent from my first house, my household income probably matches an average two salary household if not a bit more. ( for example I am over threshold for child benefit)

Perhaps threads with single mum's where they are truly trying to budget on an average single income may help? I know on threads I have spoken to on conception using donor sperm there are other women who earn average salaries and have thought hard to work out how how to manage financially with mix of returning to work ether full time or part Time or not , child benefit and child tax credits and family support I believe.

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking. I'm just wondering at what age you feel a woman should worry about getting too old. How long did the whole process take?

*So did you conceive your little one from your partner of 6 months or from donor sperm?

I have huge respect OP!

Do you worry about what to tell LO later on about their dad / how they were conceived? Do you feel judged by society / like you have to defend your choice?*

I went with a donor sperm as I didn't think it was right for me , the man or the child to have a child with him when so many things not right with the relationship purely so I could have a child.

I do worry about what to tell my child- it was the main reason it took me four years to actually do this. I never thought I would do this I assumed I would meet the right man and be a two parent family. Mostly I questioned whether it was fair on my child and whether they would hate me for making this decision and taking away their right to have a father growing up.

I still wrestle with this but ultimately I made my decision on many factors including 1) my age 2) ensuring I am near family and excellent male role models 3) choosing a uk donor sperm so if when my child gets their information at 18 and meets them and they want to form a relationship I figured it would be easier for them to keep in touch/ meet choosing someone from uk versus abroad. 4) a friend also politely reminded me I could do everything right .

I will be open with my child and tell them from the beginning in an age appropriate way ( no two family tells their children the nitty gritty details of how they were conceived likewise I will keep it child friendly to begin with ) . There is a great support network to give advice on how to tell donor children which I will call upon as he grows up.

At the moment everyone I have told pre and post baby about using donor speed have been vocally supportive. I don't expect everyone to be supportive and I have no doubt some people may have opinions they don't express to me.

I talked to more people about it before hand to try and get a feel on reactions as well as to help me make my mind up. All family know and people from my Nct group. I tell less people now and if they ask I tend to say no father involved. Most leave it at that.

*So far what do you find is the best and the worst aspect to it?

Do you think it would work even if you didn't live near your family? How much are they involved day to day?*

Best aspect - being a mother. I absolutely love being a mum, I love my child so much. I feel so content and happy with my life. I have never been so happy ( yes even with colic, sleepless nights etc)

Worst aspect -guilt and wishing I had met someone so I was in a more traditional family for my child. I still hope to meet someone but I do feel sad I didn't first.

It probably could work not being close to family and I'm sure others do manage it but for me being close to family is brilliant. My child sees his grandparents more or less every day - not because I need help necessary often I pop in to see them as they love their relationship with him. However when he was ill ( ear infection and v.v. High temp and heavy cold which I caught and both parents) I stayed with parents for a few days and with heavy colds we all chipped in helping entertain him when awake. They also help when I have medical apps , come and hold him when I need to tidy, sleep, shower ( less now he has regular naps )

I also have my siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, Nan, second cousins who I am close to and we all meet often too which I love.

When you chose to be a lone parent, did you also consider an arrangement with a co-parent (or two e.g. a gay couple)?

I did look at the co parenting site but for me it wasn't the answer.

Thank you TreasureInMyTummy (what a beautiful username too)

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking. I'm just wondering at what age you feel a woman should worry about getting too old. How long did the whole process take?

I'm nearly 36 but I wouldn't want to stipulate an age a woman should worry about getting too old. I think it's personal and very depends on that person's life, health, outlook and her eggs.

You can go and get blood tests where they check something in the blood and it gives an indicator of whether your eggs are ok for your age, better or worse. I can't remember what it's called now sorry.

A friend told me a friend did this when I was around 30 and I went to doctor to ask and she was very dismissive. But it is available private if not through nhs as I got it before my treatment. I do believe it's not exact science though and only an indication.

Oops forgot about how long process takes ...

I went to open day in October. Did smear and blood tests and counselling and started trying in the January. For unmedicated iui ( where sperm is just put in- no hormones etc) it's relatively quick and simple to start. The longest time was for me to make my mind up to do it which was four years.

I'm also a Single mother by choice.

Do you have friends who are still waiting to meet someone, get married and then have children? If so would you ever encourage them to do what you did? Or were you the last in your friendship group to have a baby?

@Sunshiness thank you - I need to update it but I loved it when I found out was pregnant I felt so blessed and this reminds me :) xx

*I'm also a Single mother by choice.

Do you have friends who are still waiting to meet someone, get married and then have children? If so would you ever encourage them to do what you did? Or were you the last in your friendship group to have a baby?*

Hi

I do have friends who are still waiting to meet someone, have children etc .
I wouldn't encourage anyone to go down a certain path or copy what I do in any aspect of life. Those friends are hearing the biological clock ticking and I think are curious because I have done it and I think may- fleeting or not- consider it as an option .

I always answer any questions they ask but it's up to them and their situations are different to mine so they have to consider other factors ( family thoughts, finance, working post baby, support around them and their own views on single parenthood )

Waves to you Treasure!
Well done for answering those questions and nice to hear all is going well with you

I'm back at work full time (first week back this week). I don't feel guilty at all as my DD (7 months old) absolutely loves nursery (she started 8 days ago). I'm just a hard working mum and will be a good role model for her. She is making lots of friends at nursery and has already changed a lot since she started. She talks more, is so smiley when I pick her up in the evening, and although we don't spend much time together, it is quality time. And she now sleeps 12 hours straight!

Hi Pez!!! Xxxxxx

Two of my friends ( both married) have gone back to work and their babies are in nursery. Both also said babies settled and happy. One thought her baby is getting more development opportunities with other babies and toys.

I thought I would do this thread as I saw another thread on MN about a woman questioning SIL 's thoughts of using donor sperm and she commented she didn't know much about it/ know anyone else who had done it so thought can't be a bad thing to answer questions/ share my reasons. X