TRIGGER WARNING: I had a TFMR at 20 weeks - ask me anything

[mmmgoats]

I saw another brave poster had decided to open up about their experience of stillbirth in order to help others, so I was inspired to do the same.

Mid last year I had to undergo a TFMR. I was induced and went through labour due to being nearly 21 weeks pregnant.

I know it's a very sensitive subject, but if anyone has any questions please do feel free to ask - no matter how insensitive you might think you're being!

[mmmgoats]

I meant to add, I'm not posting for entertainment, but to perhaps answer peoples' questions if it's always been a fear, wondered what they would do, or are going through it.

[wholikesshortshorts]

I don't have any questions but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you had to go through this & it's so strong of you to answer questions to try to help others.

I haven't gone through what you have. We had an abnormality detected on the 20 week scan which continued to worsen & were told it was an option especially if things continued to progress which thankfully they didn't, but knowing how hard that was to go through, I can't begin to imagine how awful it must be to have actually gone through everything you have. You're amazing for talking about this and being so selfless to help others.

[mmmgoats]

Thank you @wholikesshortshorts and I'm so sorry you had to go through all that worry and stress - I hope everything worked out okay for you?

[wholikesshortshorts]

Yes thank you, things are going well so far. Baby was picked up to have hydrocephalus and had to wait until much later than 20 weeks to rule out lissencephaly (missing brain grooves) but hydrocephalus stabilised around 30 weeks and grooves developed. Now a toddler & meeting milestones so feel incredibly thankful knowing how things could have gone at the later scans. I did always think I wanted more children but I am too scared to do it again, I'm really not sure I could deal with a repeat of it over again as I don't think anyone knows how likely that is to happen. You are incredibly strong to be opening up about what you've gone through. Sorry, I don't want to derail & make your thread about me. I just wanted to say how amazing I think you are to be doing this for other people ❤️

[Antiparos]

I think you're very brave to be willing to share your experience. Could I ask how you handled telling people - colleagues for example, and how they responded? I assume people knew you were pregnant and I can only imagine how awful it must have been to answer questions repeatedly. Do you have other children? How did you explain it to them?

[mmmgoats]

@wholikeshortshorts not at all, I asked :) I'm so pleased to hear that - and sad to hear you don't want to go through it again, but completely completely understand. Hope those milestones continue to get met!

@antiparos we were very open immediately. We both decided straight away that we couldn't cope with the pretence of keeping up appearances while we were going through it all.
We told parents and siblings immediately.
I messaged closed friends immediately, those who knew we were going for a scan - basically saying, 'it's not good news. Found a serious anomaly might not be compatible with life, needs to be further investigated but at the moment it's looking like the best option would be not to continue'

Now I look back at it, it sounds quite blunt and abrupt but I just wanted to get it out there. I hadn't announced anything on social media - that's not my jam - so didn't have to really do anything there as a lot of people didn't know.

With colleagues, I sent an email to a close colleague and asked them to deal with it so people knew discretely. They sorted it all out for me.
For DH he went into work for one day [ I was with a friend] in between the investigations and spoke candidly to his boss.

We were incredibly fortunate that everyone was amazingly supportive and understanding. In fact the only negative response/abuse I've had is when I've shared my story online.

[Antiparos]

Thank you for answering @mmmgoats. And - as I should have said before - I'm so sorry for your loss xx

[mmmgoats]

thank you @antiparos. Just realised I didn't answer fully - no children as of yet, but I've not given up hope :)

I was also lucky that people were kind of lead by us question wise - they asked if I made it obvious I was happy to talk about it, and left it be if I wasn't.

[unadventuretime]

You don't have to answer this, but were you awake for the procedure? Were you able to see/hold your baby afterwards (assuming you wanted to of course).

Also, .

[unadventuretime]

And I'm so sorry for your loss.