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AMA
Original poster

I'm married to a functioning alcoholic.

69 replies

TiffanyDoggettSmile · 11/07/2018 23:58

We have two children. He works full time and doesn't live at the pub. He'll consume about 8 cans of Stella on an average evening. Ask away.

OP posts:
AlbertaSimmons · 12/07/2018 07:50

As the daughter, daughter in law and sister in law of alcoholics (all dead) I implore you to leave this man. You cannot help him, but you can help your children to grow up without the damage that living with this will cause them. Put your children first.

Bananalanacake · 12/07/2018 08:07

Does he vomit when drunk. As an emetophobe I couldn't live with the possibility.

Floradoranora · 12/07/2018 08:18

I only ask because of the heritability of ASD conditions and the likelihood of undiagnosed adults to self medicate

You’ve made an excellent point. One that I’m sadly very familiar with in someone I’ll forever love but can’t be with anymore.

AlwaysTheEnd · 12/07/2018 08:26

Can you afford the money he spends on alcohol?

ImAGoofyGoober · 12/07/2018 08:28

Why do you think he would never dui?

Do you think he will get worse or better?

PavlovaPrincess · 12/07/2018 09:12

I'm married to a functioning alcoholic as well.

After the last episode (which I posted about on here under a different name) I threatened to leave him and he realised I was serious and stopped drinking.

But I know that he'll eventually go back to it. I'm currently in the process of trying to leave him. I think you'll get tired of it in the end too.

PavlovaPrincess · 12/07/2018 09:13

I've also come to loathe the sound of a drinks can being opened.

MissConductUS · 12/07/2018 09:26

I'm a recovering alcoholic with 24 years of sobriety and an RN.

He won't get life insurance unless it's a small group policy that doesn't require a medical exam. His blood tests will show impaired liver function.

The prognosis isn't great. It's a fairly difficult addiction to kick, but obviously it can be done. Dealing with the physical cravings can be managed with medication. The best way to start would be to see if you can get him(them) to have an honest conversation with their doctor about it.

Al-anon is a great resource. I urge you all to go if you can.

AMA, but I'm leaving on holiday later today and will only have access to MN at odd times. PM me to if you like.

I'm so sorry you ladies are going through this. Flowers

Original poster
TiffanyDoggettSmile · 12/07/2018 09:31

Morning, sorry it'll take me a while to answer all the questions.

I don't know how much he spends. He buys a 10 can pack of Stella most days and this comes out of his l, not family money. If we're at the pub I also make sure he pays as I'm often the designated driver.

I do drink and I love a drink. It hasn't put me off but a drink or two is enough for me. It's been a long time since I was drunk.

I know he wouldn't DUI. He's an alcoholic but he's not without morals. Also he's more of an at home drinker so there's no need for him to drink drive.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiffanyDoggettSmile · 12/07/2018 09:33

I find his disregard for his health the most selfish thing about it. Of course I'll be sad when he inevitably gets ill but I'll be so angry he could do this to our family too.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiffanyDoggettSmile · 12/07/2018 09:35

Can you afford it? Our children do not miss out on anything. Before maternity leave we were both working parents and although there's no spare cash there's enough to enjoy good food and days out (mostly footed by me but I was the higher earner).

OP posts:
Original poster
TiffanyDoggettSmile · 12/07/2018 09:37

He doesn't vomit and he's not aggressive. He gets sleepy and clumsy at home and over affectionate (hugs strangers like he's on an E) if we're out. It sounds funny but it's embarrassing.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiffanyDoggettSmile · 12/07/2018 09:40

My children never see him drunk as one is unaware (newborn) and the other is fast asleep by the time alcohol has a noticeable affect.

OP posts:
malvinandhobbes · 12/07/2018 09:47

My father was like this, he was a good father and never drank until we were in bed. I didn't really twig it was strange until my mid- late teen years. He stopped drinking about 16 years ago, and had a liver transplant about 14 years ago. He has essentially been disabled for the past 20 years, since he was about 50. My mother loves him to the moon in back but her life has been taken over by his Care needs.

I wish for my mothers sake she'd gotten out years ago - I think she would have had a richer life not so dictated by his health. For my own sake and his I'm glad she's stuck it out.

Best wishes, OP. It isn't an easy situation.

Ladyofc42 · 12/07/2018 10:21

Your children will know.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 12/07/2018 10:28

It's when your children get bigger you need to think about. My 15 yo sees dh knocking back can after can and I've pointed out what a bad example this sets. My dh isn't physically dependant and does sober October every year, this makes it hard to argue that his drink is an issue without sounding controlling. When did your dh go from being a moderate to heavy drinker? Can you pin point it?

Ladyofc42 · 12/07/2018 10:28

For me,the wake up call was sitting in my bed,with my 4 year old, her asking why is daddy slamming all the doors and shouting. And me praying, please let him just pass out downstairs.
My heart broke that night, it was one thing when it affected me but my daughter, no i knew my role to protect her trumped the few good days when he was sober.
I don't envy you ,it's tough but I am now married to a guy who doesn't drink and it's just calmer. I would have been so upset and stressed with the world cup matches,it would have been hell for us.
Please think about giving him an ultimatum, if not for you then for your children x

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 12/07/2018 10:35

I think there's just such a culture of drinking in my circle and I drink too tbf that it's hard to point at someone and say 'you need to stop drinking' I've always said if I get any hint of aggression I will leave but it feels like I'm racing to the bottom with that attitudeSad

Graphista · 12/07/2018 18:50

I think you're kidding yourself if you think he never drives over limit - and if you're in Scotland that's even less likely. He drinks at home - but how much, when is his last drink and when does he drive the next day? Oh and you more than likely don't even know REALLY how much he drinks.

"Our children do not miss out on anything." My parents trot out this gem - we did! We missed out on extra curricular school clubs, school trips, clothes, activities. We had the bare necessities but that was it. Dad was army so as a result we had friends where we KNEW the dad was on the same pay level and they had and did SO much more than we did.

In addition it's NOT just about the money. We also missed out on stuff because my dad couldn't be trusted to behave at certain events so our family didn't attend.

It also affected mum's ability to do certain jobs as at certain hours/days he wasn't suitable to mind us.

"My children never see him drunk"

A that will change as they get older
B you're deluding yourself if you think he only drinks what you know about.

I say again PLEASE for your DC's sake leave

re pp "it's not that easy" I'm sorry but it is - if you prioritise your DC and NOT a relationship, it REALLY is.

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