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AMA
Original poster

I'm married to a functioning alcoholic.

69 replies

TiffanyDoggettSmile · 11/07/2018 23:58

We have two children. He works full time and doesn't live at the pub. He'll consume about 8 cans of Stella on an average evening. Ask away.

OP posts:
tedx · 12/07/2018 00:20

What is his job?

Original poster
TiffanyDoggettSmile · 12/07/2018 00:21

His parents no. Mine yes! Both my parents drink daily in an 'its ok because we order from the wine society' kind of way.

OP posts:
victoriaspongecake · 12/07/2018 00:22

Genuine
question but why would you have a baby with him knowing he is an alcoholic who isn't trying to get better?

yousignup · 12/07/2018 00:23

He's back with his family, who all say poor thing, all these things run in the family. He won't give up drinking until he "sees the head specialist for a second opinion".
Mine is a nasty drunk. I deserve better. I and my DC (his step DC) are calm without him. They deserve better. You deserve better.

Original poster
TiffanyDoggettSmile · 12/07/2018 00:25

@victoriaspongecake it was in a small window of relative sobriety. He had cut down this time last year and it was a now or never decision.

I thought things had changed. They hadn't.

OP posts:
Cutyourshakehole · 12/07/2018 00:26

Why do you put up with it? He will eventually get ill and that becomes your stress and worry.
I grew up with an alcoholic in the house.

Eventually, 8 cans won’t be enough.
You deserve better. My heart hurts for you and what’s to come.

AfterSchoolWorry · 12/07/2018 00:28

So you don't think he's neurotypical?

Maybe he's lost and seeking a diagnosis would help? Is he open to that?

Original poster
TiffanyDoggettSmile · 12/07/2018 00:29

I don't know why I put up with it. I suppose I know and love the man behind the drunk and hope he'll reappear one day. He has so much love in his heart but alcohol makes even the nicest person entirely self absorbed.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiffanyDoggettSmile · 12/07/2018 00:31

If we talk about (when he's sunk a few in the evening) he's open to the idea but getting help for anything is a concept rather than a reality for him.

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 12/07/2018 00:35

Ah. Well all you can do is ask. If he ignores that, its his own fault.

ballseditupagain · 12/07/2018 00:37

Me too op. It's shit. Mine does lines of coke as well. He's a knob.

Mine told me he is giving up forever this morning. And that he had been doing some reading and the first step was admitting he had a problem. This feels like a huge step as last year he was telling me everything was fine.

I'm leaving him if he doesn't sort it out soon.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 12/07/2018 00:39

Has he made a will and does he have life insurance?

Original poster
TiffanyDoggettSmile · 12/07/2018 00:43

@Bluesmartiesarebest I'm on at him to do exactly that. He's being investigated for raised white blood cells and rectal bleeding atm so obviously something isn't right. No one has said the C word yet. I find his total disregard for his own health to be selfish and I want him to get life insurance.

OP posts:
Ladyofc42 · 12/07/2018 00:47

If you see him as selfish and know this life is shit, why are you not standing up for your children and protecting them?

Graphista · 12/07/2018 00:54

"Yes as far as I'm aware. He makes a point of not drinking at work and I know he'd never drink drive. If we're out he'll drink." I can't tell if you're naive/in denial or trying to avoid a flaming.

As a child of an alcoholic myself, for your DC's sake, please leave. Please realise it will never change while you enable it.

My only question is why would you do this to your DC? It's one thing to make a decision to put up with it yourself. It's unfair to place that burden on young DC.

I'm 46 - I'm STILL dealing with the ramifications now, as are my brother and my sister (we're nc but I know she has an addiction to something else), he's not had a drink in many years, but not by choice.

It breaks my heart thinking of other children going through this unnecessarily.

BlueEyedBengal · 12/07/2018 01:01

I know how this feels I am married to a functioning alcoholic. He's an ex soldier with p t s d after a bomb blast in N Ireland in 1988. 29 years of broken promises failure to help me with our 6 children even when I had pneumonia I had to carry on as I was alone as he went to the pub after the kids came home from school until 1 am and drinking all day Saturday and Sunday until closing time. He refuses to get treatment for his drinking or p d s d so this summer is his last with the family. I own the house we live in and he owns a house that was rented out until 3 months ago he will be living there weather he likes it not. He keeps me very short of money as he has control and puts me down in front of people and is incapable of sex ( not that I would want to sleep with him as I don't fancy him anymore. I am teatotal and don't smoke. The children are my priority and he will be going as the abuse from him towards me is increasing and I have been putting a tenner here and there by . He also gives a look that people have noticed that when I talk to say a neighbour he will give a glare at me that shuts me up they look at me because it was noticed. Building up the strength to do this after our holiday first week of August and will need help as he has driven everyone family, friends away . I phoned women's aid a couple of months ago to ask is this abuse? and had advice but not strong then. Please don't let it take as long as I have get away now drinks say they will change and promise the world but it rarely happens. I wish you well.

SPOFS · 12/07/2018 01:03

How much money does he spend on alcohol per week?

Do you drink alcohol yourself?

BlueEyedBengal · 12/07/2018 01:11

I know bill direct debits are not payed and when his wages go in and he checks his balance there sometimes is nothing there.He also has a tab in the bar and does odd jobs for drinks. I don't know how much he owes. I am just glad we don't have a mortgage or rent to pay. We he goes I may be in for a shock to how much he keeps from meSad

BlueEyedBengal · 12/07/2018 01:13

Don't know if you are asking the o p or me but I hate alcohol and never touch it.

BlueEyedBengal · 12/07/2018 01:16

My birthday on Friday and he will probably not buy me anything off my little children and be in the pub on his own like that's a normal thingSad

HarshingMyMellow · 12/07/2018 01:18

Op, I started a thread earlier about the consequences of the way my alcoholic mother treated me.

I still suffer to this day (even though we are NC.)
I am angry, anxious, tense and distraught at what she done to me and the fact that my dad didn't protect me/remove me from the situation leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

Please protect your children. Leave this man.
No good will come from staying.

I resent my dad for not leaving her. Don't put your children in this position.

Hozat · 12/07/2018 01:27

Why do you accept this behaviour? Please give him an ultimatum to stop drinking or you'll leave him. My FIL is a functioning alcoholic and DH and SIL both feel bitter that their mum never left him. It has left a big mark on both of them particularly SIL. This situation can't continue. You need to protect your children.

wingle · 12/07/2018 06:39

I think they charm you and reel you in, I suspect that OH is a functioning alcoholic. It's easy on MN to say LTB, I've tried but emotions come into play, they 'get better' and 'try really hard' for a while, each time when they are trying life is so much better than before and you kid yourself that this time is it, this is the time that they will stay sober.

It must be hard op, you've pretty much been with him the whole of your adult life. My children are older than yours, if you do nothing else start getting your ducks in a row just in case, start with tiny subtle things and the rest will follow.

OliviaBenson · 12/07/2018 07:14

I'm the daughter of a functioning alcoholic. My mum tried to shield me but failed miserably. I'm still suffering the effects today.

The worst thing is I resent my mum the most, she should have protected us and left him.

Please find the strength. Your kids will suffer more than you know.

ballsballsballs · 12/07/2018 07:42

I left an alcoholic. He started off on just a few cans a night, then worked his way up to a dozen. It was like minding a huge toddler.

You and your children deserve better. Flowers

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