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AMA

I was groomed/sexually abused as a child ask me anything

14 replies

icelollypop · 11/07/2018 13:55

It was my step dad and took place from the ages of 7-15. I always feel like I can’t really talk to anyone about this IRL and obviously nobody ever asks so I wanted to share my story on here. Ask away.

OP posts:

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nervousnails · 11/07/2018 13:56

oh OP... Was he caught? Did you ensure that he went to prison?

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icelollypop · 11/07/2018 14:00

oh OP... Was he caught? Did you ensure that he went to prison?

Nope when I was 15 I told the police and had to do a video interview, but he denied the whole thing obviously and there was not enough evidence for it to even go to court.

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TheMonkeyMummy · 11/07/2018 14:00

How are you? Is this something that you can recover from?

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HollowTalk · 11/07/2018 14:01

You were very brave to go to the police. Did your mum stay with him after that?

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icelollypop · 11/07/2018 14:08

How are you? Is this something that you can recover from?

I’m doing ok. I don’t think I will ever get over it and I think it has affected me in so many ways. I probably look like I have a totally normal life from an outside perspective. I still struggle with depression and anxiety but my life has turned out so much better than I ever thought it would be so I’m really thankful for that.

You were very brave to go to the police. Did your mum stay with him after that?

I actually really didn’t want to, I felt a lot of pressure. I wasn’t ready. I wish I went a few years later. I don’t think it would have changed the outcome but I would have been strong enough to deal with it and be honest about everything. Yes, my mum stayed with him, she told the police I was lying.

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smudgedlipstick · 11/07/2018 14:13

Are you now no contact with him and your mum?

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OhHolyJesus · 11/07/2018 14:14

Do you have a relationship with your mum? Do you have siblings?

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TheVanguardSix · 11/07/2018 14:17

Going to the police must have been the hardest step for you to take, I imagine, given the confusion you must have felt about the relationship with not only your step-dad, but your mum as well, who was supposed to protect you.

What finally gave you the courage to go the police?

And two more difficult questions (you don't have to answer in the least): How, if you remember, did it all start? And when did you realise that you were being harmed by a person you were meant to trust?

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icelollypop · 11/07/2018 14:20

Are you now no contact with him and your mum?

NC with him, he sent me a couple of long emails soon after I told the police saying things like ‘how could I do this to him’ , then a few inane messages wishing me happy birthday and asking how I am. I just ignored them all.

Me and my mum had a lot of arguments over the phone, then NC for a few years. I decided to get back in touch with her just after I had my son. Worst mistake I ever made. She refuses to believe that she’s done anything wrong. We just go round in circles.

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ajandjjmum · 11/07/2018 14:26

You must have been through hell. Have you had any sort of counselling?

Very interested in this thread, as it is a situation that a friend is in, and I find it very hard to understand why they want to maintain any sort of contact. Thank you for being brave enough to start it.

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icelollypop · 11/07/2018 14:30

Do you have a relationship with your mum? Do you have siblings?

Probably won’t for much longer, I have 2 brothers but they are a lot older than me, both have minimal contact with her.

Going to the police must have been the hardest step for you to take, I imagine, given the confusion you must have felt about the relationship with not only your step-dad, but your mum as well, who was supposed to protect you.

What finally gave you the courage to go the police?

And two more difficult questions (you don't have to answer in the least): How, if you remember, did it all start? And when did you realise that you were being harmed by a person you were meant to trust?

It was really hard, I don’t think I was ready. I felt a lot of pressure off of other family members. It took a good few years to feel a bit more at peace with what happened and to realise that it wasn’t my fault in any way.

He started off very very nice, would buy me sweets and let me stay up way past my bedtime, and let me watch 18+ films. He left porn on his computer one day that I now realise I was meant to find. I was absolutely disgusted and turned it off, he asked if I liked it and if I wanted to watch more. He told me not to tell my mum as she’d kill him. I didn’t realise anything was wrong until I was about 11ish. I noticed my peers didn’t have the same relationships with their step dads. I remember telling my friend something innocent (or at least as far as I was concerned) and she gave me a weird look and asked me why my step dad comes into my room. Around the same age we did PSHE at school and the teacher briefly covered incest/abuse. I felt sick.

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DieAntword · 11/07/2018 14:36

Did you feel like you were complicit at the time? How did you overcome that if you did?

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icelollypop · 11/07/2018 14:40

Sorry, bold fail.

You must have been through hell. Have you had any sort of counselling?

Very interested in this thread, as it is a situation that a friend is in, and I find it very hard to understand why they want to maintain any sort of contact. Thank you for being brave enough to start it.

I had counselling a couple of times when I was younger, once for being bullied and once when I tried to take my life but I just couldn’t get on with it. I wasn’t ready and he taught me how to lie, so it didn’t even occur to me to tell someone the truth. I became a very attention seeking teenager and was referred to counselling again by my 3rd school but I refused to go. I desperately wanted someone to help but I wasn’t ready to tell anyone why I needed help.

Regarding your friend, I can very much relate as he was also so nice to me. I loved him. Not in a relationship way but in a friend way. He was also my best friend (when he wasn’t shouting, sulking or trying to coerce me to do things with him). He never once layed a finger on me which made it so much harder to realise that he was so wrong. People are (understandably) disgusted by people who abuse children, but it was normal to me. I can relate to so many of the abusive relationship threads on here. He was very clever and manipulative.

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icelollypop · 11/07/2018 14:46

Did you feel like you were complicit at the time? How did you overcome that if you did?

Definitely, I soon learnt about incest and child abuse but I thought that can’t be the same as me because he hasn’t physically forced me to do anything. I remember a couple of storylines in soaps about teenagers sleeping with their step parents and I thought is that me? As I got older I tried to ‘end things’ so many times and he would break down and cry and that wouldn’t work, so then he’d get really angry and threaten to tell my mum was a horrible slag I was. If that still didn’t work he’d sulk for days and take his anger out on my mum. It was a lot easier to just give in.

I learned it wasn’t my fault slowly by growing up, also the recent ‘consent’ thing has been really important to me, I wish that was a big thing when I was younger.