I'm a victim of non violent domestic abuse. AMA

[bluetrampolines]

A bit nervous but ask away. I'll answer anything, i think.

Are you safe now?

Is this a current or past relationship?

Is it your family of origin (clunky way of saying the people with whom you grew up) or a romantic relationship that resulted in the non-violent DA?

How long did it take for you to realise what was happening?

Yes I'm safe now. Yes it is a past relationship but he is the father of my children so on going I guess.

No. It has no reflection on my upbringing. Except to say, as i have learned, that many people in my situation have happy and kind parents and dont know that this contempt exists.

Is say 2 years after I left him i started to realise that he truly did it on purpose.

I don't think I understand what you mean by non-violent. Was this emotional abuse then? I've been in a physically abusive marriage, then an emotionally abusive one (decided I'm probably not going to bother again). But the EA felt violent in a different way.

I'm very interested to know why you say it felt different?

Emotional, mental and financial cruelty is what I'm referring to.

OP wrote: It has no reflection on my upbringing.

To clarify - it was only recently when I was looking up some statistics on domestic abuse that I realised it the collated numbers (in the UK) include 'family of origin' incidents - or violence/abuse /coercion within a household when growing up (16 yrs+, iirc). E.g., parent abuse towards children or vv. So, didn't know if you were reflecting on abusive parents/relatives rather than "intimate partner abuse".

I'm talking about intimate partner abuse. Sorry. It didn't occur to me there was any other kind.

Well the violence, as well as being physical, was weirdly reassuring (yes, I know, messed up but I'm ok now) because I knew exactly where I stood. But the EA was sneaky, insidious, seriously head-fuckery gaslighting over 12 years. Again, possibly messed up but this was more damaging to my overall well-being than getting beaten up. (Sorry if this triggers stuff for people)

for you OP

How are you now? Did you get help?

Thank you. I'm more fine now than in years. Still many demons. Weirdly the judgement from 'friends' is one of the longest wounds needing healed. Not sure how to tackle that yet.

It's taken me such a long time to realise that he knew he was doing it. I used to think it was because he was struggling.

Hi bluetrampoline very brave of you to do this. I was in an abusive marriage also. Fortunately no children together.

It's a shock when you realise they're abusive on purpose, it was all calculated to keep you in your, lowly, place. That realisation was a headfuck in itself. I thought my ex behaved the way he did because he was struggling too. No, he was a calculating bastard, actually.

Dhalandchips - that's my experience too. The violence was bad enough, but the headfuckery, well I doubt I'll ever fully recover from years of that.

I know I'm lucky, so to speak, so many victims of DV suffer unrecoverable physical violence or death. From that point of view I got off lightly.

OP what have you found helps your recovery?

Yes. Every day I am still shocked that he did it on purpose. Even now it shocks me. He was and is so unbelievably nasty.

Talking about it helped. I've talked about it with my family and friends for hundreds of hours.

Women's Aid helped. They are amazing.

Getting my home back in order helped.

Time to get rid of his poison helped.

But it still isn't easy. Some of the crass judgement from those around me has been difficult and unexpected.

OP wrote: Some of the crass judgement from those around me has been difficult and unexpected.

If you can bear it, and it's not horribly intrusive, can you say what the judgements were? More because I'm interested in what it reflects about the people who said it and some of the social restrictions about not admitting the reality of what happens in some relationships.

That i didnt know him well enough or that i had my children too quickly.

To me it is so utterly humiliating. The man I married was not at all a ferocious beast. I never expected ever to be treated the way I have been.

I am strong, internationally travelled professional woman. I didn't marry til I was older. I truly thought he was a good man. Not at all a con man.

So, they were trying to deflect the common realisation that so many people discover that they never truly knew someone? And that sometimes, people are remarkably good at hiding aspects of themselves?

No, of course you didn't expect it. It's difficult to anticipate actions that you wouldn't do yourself. I don't like Phil McGraw much but I remember his observation that there are some aspects of everyday behaviour that would never occur to you as requiring a choice or open to question because they're engrained.

"Haven't you made a life decision that you will not steal? Refusing to be a person that steals is a life decision that you have incorporated into the core of your soul. You don't need to revisit this issue on a day-to-day basis, nor do you maintain an active, open debate about it...If you are short of cash on the way to the movies, you don't think, "Gee, do I stop by an ATM or do I rob this 7-Eleven?".

It would never have occurred to you that this "good man would do whatever he did.

Did the emotional/financial abuse occur gradually over time and then accelerate, or did it happen very abruptly. Or, impossible to know because it took time to be uncovered (in some way)?

I am glad you are safe and so are your children.
I'm glad you got great support from Women's Aid. I refer ( sadly) too many women thereThey are fantastic.

Arran

I think they were trying to explain to me why id failed. Rather than respect or even find out about my courage.