I'm one of 16 siblings, ask me anything

[picklepost]

Like a 1980s Radford. I notice a lot of curiosity about life in a big family, maybe I can answer some of your questions.

Do you know if your DM suffered pregnancy complications from having so many? Was she advised to stop?
Are you all full siblings or are there half siblings?
We're your parents from large families themselves?

Hollow talk

Good point. I kind of imagined an Italian style, dolce vita family meal but its true it would be utter chaos. It certainly is with my two anyway. And there's only 2!

As one of 12 I am interested to read your thread. Interestingly I would also say my mother has narcissistic tendencies.
We weren't well off at all. My dad always worked but at times we were very reliant on benefits.
As the oldest my childhood memories definitely revolve around being responsible for the younger ones.
I have 2 children. Most of my siblings have no children by choice.

How many children is “too many” in your opinion?

Fascinating thread!! You sound very empathetic, observant and articulate!

I’m one of a large family, too, OP, though smaller than yours. Like you, I’m not close to my siblings in adulthood, and we all live in different countries — I think because we were so crowded and treated so collectively as children, we because people who really liked their space and boundaries. Interestingly, I’m the only one of all of us to have had a child, and I had only one, by choice.

I hear you absolutely on your father not knowing which one you were — I’m not sure mine ever has either. Did yours do that thing of calling you several names before hitting the right one?

Shiny, snap on siblings having no children. My mother thinks it’s awful she doesn’t have a crop of grandchildren from such a big family, but has no comprehension that we’re all unenthusiastic about family life because of our upbringing.

Just to add a little balance, and I speak as the parent of a relatively large family, I'm one of only two. I didn't feel loved by my parents, rarely spoken to by my dad and don't have a lot to do with my sister. In other words, a whole lot depends on the parents and personalities involved, although I will grant that with 16 it was probably very easy to go unnoticed.

I'd also say that a pot (or two or three pots) in the middle of the table is definitely the way to get everyone served as quickly as possible with the parents ensuring the younger dc get what they need.

My family was really just a vehicle for my mother's narcissism

Interesting you say that, pickle, because I'll admit to having that prejudice about parents of exceptionally large families, that there is an element of narcissism involved. I've often thought it is more about the parents than it is about the children when I hear of mega-families like the Duggars etc. That must be a tough situation to grow up in.

Either narcissism from the mother or else the father and the mother is in an abusive relationship where she is controlled by the narcissistic man. It's very sad to see the media hyping such families and creating celebrity around such an unhealthy dynamic.

Did you find having so many siblings helped your social skills later in life and gave you a feeling of support to compensate for the poor parenting from your mother and father?

Also, this is a little flippant, but how was your mother's pelvic floor health?!? My poor mother had 4 and couldn't really run anymore when I was a kid because she had occasional issues with leakage or urgently needing the bathroom. I dread to think what havoc 16 children would wreak!!

I am quite close to most of my siblings and one of my sisters is my best friend.
My mother has a idealistic view of our childhood. She refuses to face the realities at all. She was not in control at all. The house was chaos. We lacked basics such as enough underwear, a toothbrush each etc.
We had just about enough food although there were definitely times I recall being hungry.
I literally never, ever got a single thing i wanted growing up. At a young age I knew to never ask as there was no point.
I don't mind about possessions as much as the experiences. I never had a swimming lesson, a music class, did an organised sport, went to see a show of any kind, no holidays, no lovely surprises on Christmas morning just the one thing you settled for because it was in budget, never had a birthday party or a friend to sleep over.
It wasn't much of a childhood.

But back to AMA.
How did your parents keep everything and everyone organised and tidy?

Apologies for my previous post. Horribly long and self-pitying. Didn't mean to derail and interesting thread.

Interesting thread. Thank you.

What happened gift/party wise at birthdays and Christmas?

Did your parents have staff to help with you all.

How much would you guess your father earned to afford music lessons etc for so many children.

How old was your mother when she had her last child?

Did she have any miscarriages between children?

How did you get around as a family?

Thank you.

HollowTalk
We would always have a cooked pudding - a crumble or pie or steamed pudding - with custard. Everything was always home-made.

We had those too, probably once a week.

MrsMoastyToasty
Do you know if your DM suffered pregnancy complications from having so many? Was she advised to stop?
Actually I have no idea! Physically she was extremely strong.

Are you all full siblings or are there half siblings?
Full

We're your parents from large families themselves?
Yes, though not as big as the one they created.

*Shinygoldbauble8
As one of 12 I am interested to read your thread. Interestingly I would also say my mother has narcissistic tendencies.
We weren't well off at all. My dad always worked but at times we were very reliant on benefits.
Ugh I can't imagine how stressful that must have been! I know it's reality for a lot of families but can you imagine wondering how to feed your children :(

As the oldest my childhood memories definitely revolve around being responsible for the younger ones.

Yes I'm afraid my older siblings must have had much more challenging childhoods than the younger ones. There were always so many chores to be done.

Can I ask, are you a "worker"? People I know from big families tend to be worker bee types.

I have 2 children. Most of my siblings have no children by choice.
That's a bit sad about your siblings though understandable. I understand the craving for solitude and privacy, and the desire not to inflict the same upbringing on our own children though.

InionEile I've often thought it is more about the parents than it is about the children when I hear of mega-families like the Duggars etc. That must be a tough situation to grow up in.*

I haven't heard outsiders suggest this, most people seem to think it's one long party. The mother gets a great deal of praise and I think the children are overlooked. I mean really, how can it be about the children? I don't understand that thinking.

Also, this is a little flippant, but how was your mother's pelvic floor health?!?
That I don't know!

Shinygoldbauble
My mother has a idealistic view of our childhood. She refuses to face the realities at all.
That sounds very familiar!

She was not in control at all. The house was chaos. We lacked basics such as enough underwear, a toothbrush each etc.
Aw that's really sad, you were neglected. My mother ran our household like a drill sergeant and it was really very orderly, though far from idyllic.

I literally never, ever got a single thing i wanted growing up. At a young age I knew to never ask as there was no point.
That's really sad, too. I definitely wanted a lot more than I got, things like a Barbie doll for example. My parents were pretty snobbish and would only let us have wholesome things. I remember being desperate for Enid Blyton books but not being allowed them.

I don't mind about possessions as much as the experiences. I never had a swimming lesson, a music class, did an organised sport, went to see a show of any kind, no holidays, no lovely surprises on Christmas morning just the one thing you settled for because it was in budget, never had a birthday party or a friend to sleep over. It wasn't much of a childhood.
It sounds miserable. Can I ask, did you spend time as a young adult trying to compensate for things you missed out on? I did, though I think I had it a lot easier than you. We all had music lessons and then sport and swimming were very accessible too so in that regard we were privileged.

How would you describe your life now with your own children? It was important to me that my children have beautiful things though it's only now they're a bit older that they care.

ferrier
How did your parents keep everything and everyone organised and tidy?
In my child's eyes our house was tidy and organised but it was probably a bit messy. We didn't have a great deal of possessions; there was a playroom where all toys were, and books were on bookcases in all the bedrooms. We didn't have a lot of clothes, but there were highly organised systems for getting laundry, shopping and cooking done. Lists on the wall in the kitchen.

ColdCottage
What happened gift/party wise at birthdays and Christmas?
Birthdays and Christmasses were huge and exciting occasions with typical trimmings. Christmas in particular was exciting. I cannot IMAGINE how my mother managed all the present wrapping! In many respects she was legendary. I don't recall anyone getting forgotten. And in fact, Christmasses as a young child were quite magical, lots of children and presents and visitors and yummy food.

Did your parents have staff to help with you all.
A little - I remember we had a cleaner on Fridays and two teenagers who came after school some days to help supervise.

How much would you guess your father earned to afford music lessons etc for so many children
I genuinely don't know how much he earned but he was highly specialised, like interviewed on TV for his work etc. I think music was a high priority for my parents and we were always involved in choirs, orchestras, and taken to concerts.

How old was your mother when she had her last child?
39

Did she have any miscarriages between children?
Not between, but two before her first child.

How did you get around as a family?
Two cars, no seatbelts back then!

Notmyrealname85
How many children is “too many” in your opinion?
I wouldn't settle on a number, but rather look at the overall picture. If you have two conscientious parents plus supportive wider family and access to paid help when needed, everyone can get what they need. For some this will be one child and for others, as many as nine.

Fascinating thread!! You sound very empathetic, observant and articulate!
That is very kind, thank you!

I’m one of a large family, too, OP, though smaller than yours. Like you, I’m not close to my siblings in adulthood, and we all live in different countries — I think because we were so crowded and treated so collectively as children, we because people who really liked their space and boundaries. Interestingly, I’m the only one of all of us to have had a child, and I had only one, by choice.

AdulterousMuse
I hear you absolutely on your father not knowing which one you were — I’m not sure mine ever has either. Did yours do that thing of calling you several names before hitting the right one?
Haha yes, exactly that. To be fair I do it to my siblings, too.

My mum was one of ten. She hated it, as she was number 5 and the older one brought up the younger ones. One thing that always fascinated me was that there was only one time that all 10 siblings were together at the same time, and that was at a family wedding when the youngest was early 20s. They got one family photo together with my grandparents and that was it!

Thank you @picklepost it’s been an interesting thread, both my parents are from large families - 7 and 9 (although they seem tiny in comparison to yours!) and yes there’s lots of similarities recognise with what they’ve told me about their childhoods.

Did you find that you had some children gravitate towards your family? Even in my family (4 siblings) we found one or two friends who just seems to be want to be part of us as a family iykwim? They’d be at our house a lot (like this would go on for years and years) and just seemed to be happy milling about with everyone as opposed to play date type friends who only wanted to play with the sibling they were friends with but happy to go home after tea.

I wonder what made them suddenly stop at 16, or was there a medical/fertility reason?

This is really interesting, thank you.

Did you feel you were brought up by your older siblings (and in turn helped to bring up the younger ones) rather than your parents?

Are any of your siblings no contact with each other or your parents?

Do you just have one set of twins as siblings and are they close?

The person I know with a large family is very focused on the babies and toddlers but seems to very quickly lose interest once they are at school. She has been keen for her oldest daughters to have babies at a young age and has monopolised these grandchildren.

I would expect it to have been very detrimental to the children although they all seem lovely, very sociable and independent.