My parents were heroin addicts ask me anything

[Addictschild]

I spent time in care and was lucky enough to be in a long term foster home . But my first 11 years were in the hell of a heroin addicts life .

Ask away :-) no issues here

I am part of a program that houses mums who are leaving addiction/street life. We support them. Some of them, though, are children themselves who probably should have had abortions or given up their children. Very few to be fair, because they are seeking support.

Do you think there is any support your parents could have been offered that would have changed things?

I lived my younger years terrified I would become like them . I thought I was destined to be an addict. But the reverse is true I can’t tolerste anything .it leads me to believe I had a bad withdrawal which was halted against medical advice

I do wish my mother would hurry up and die then I can mourn for the mother I never had . She serves no purpose on this planet at all .

What did your parents tell you about the drugs? Was it something they did privately (am guessing not since you injected your dolls?) But how much was discussed between you?

The saddest part is you are stuck with the same family/support network that have already lost your DM.

It's shit, I'm sorry life is stacked against you

I have no questions, just wanted to say you're amazing for not taking the easy route and following down that path

I think I’m quite a toughie but I’m very compassionate to other people’s suffering , over sensitive maybe

My dad came over in the 60s from a very harsh part of the country he was a hard bastard . My mum I think deep down was a nice person , very gullible and impressionable . I wish she could have been a proper mum to us .

As for the care system , some lovely warm families who really looked after us waifs .my long term foster family weren’t warm but neither was I allowed to feel sorry for myself too had to get on with it

Looking back I desperately needed bereavement therapy as I blamed myself for my step dads death as o hasn’t woken up in time , and 4 years previous my other step dad had also collapsed in front of me and died shortly afterwards .
So I needed help but got aubergines and clarinet lessons . Of course, I’m lucky , I probably would have gone on to prostitution like so many others before and since , but so many issues are ignored .

As for what I do now , I had to give up my admin job as both my younger two are autistic . And I married my husband who also was in care and he totally gets it .

Was there any concerns around you becoming a parent to your children. Was it flagged up in anyway? As I know a high proportion of care leavers end up having their own children removed

Do you think your parents could have been autustic or some other neurodevelopmental condition and used drugs to self medicate?
I am a foster carer and my child has been diagnosed with ADHD asd.
I see many of their traits in their parents. Unfortunately they have not been diagnsed with anything.

My xh was autistic and i think (altho no immediate dangers in my childhood) i found his lack of care for me familiar.

So what i mean is why suggest yr parents had autism. If both yr dc have autism then maybe their father did/does?

Do you believe in the idea of a 'high functioing' heroin addict? Can drug users ever parent safely in your opinion?

(Interested as a Social worker)

I do think there are underlying issues with many drug addicts . I don’t think my parents do but my husbands parents did particularly his dad so we can see where it comes from . My mum has a really bubbly personality was very outgoing and attractive a real party girl . She just got in with the wrong crowd now she is the wrong crowd . She never got out . She was even in a cell with my sister

I think people do react negatively to any sniff of this kind of back ground . People look down on you .
There was never any queafiona over my own parenting in fact I called social services for help as I was exhausted and they didn’t want to know . I had no one else to ask .

Fucking hell op what a life. It is remarkable how you have survived and made a life for yourself. Do you love your mother? And please ignore this if it's too personal, but what will you be telling your children about drugs, and what would you do if one of them started showing addictive behaviour? I often wonder about this because my dad was an alcoholic, my brother had trouble with drugs, and I fear my son will inherit an addictive disposition. He's still at primary school, but I try and rehearse different responses to him wanting a drink, a joint... Does that make any sense? I'm desperate to prevent history repeating itself.

I’ve heard stories on here only of high functioning heroin addicts .lots of people use methadone to try and stay away from the pitfalls and crime ridden life of a full on addict .

I stay away from such people or anyone with any addictions they have no place in my life so I don’t know any personally . I supposed there is a maintenance dose for some people . They are the lucky ones I guess .but for the grace of god , there go I .

Would you have rather been adopted than in long term foster care?

We’re you separated from your siblings and how do you feel about sibling separation?

I'm a teaching assistant, I work with teenagers who are in care, or who come from chaotic families. so many of them struggle in mainstream secondary school. What did your school do to support you, or what should they have done?

I think adoption can raise identity issues .my brother who is 18m younger than me was adopted and he has massive personality issues .
We all had different experiences of the same home . Being the eldest I learnt to be protective and I missed school looking after them . I don’t think they suffered any of the sexual abuse that I did. We aren’t close now but I was heartbroken and devastated losing them , I don’t think I ever got over it . More so than not having my mum .

I had good loyal friends who are still friends to this day . I was very sporty so that helped me be distracted .often those children don’t even know what their issues are as they don’t really come to the fore until late teens early twenties at the earliest . They need to be heard beyond their behaviours . Just to be told someone does give a shit . And they are special and an individual and yes life is hard and they have had it tough , to have their pain and suffering recognises and given a name . Bereavement neglect loss .
Radio 4 did a whole series on addiction not once did they ask the child of an addict what it was like ! Annoyed me so much .

Hmmm what to tell children about drugs.

I was honest about my parents and my life In care to my eldest from a young age as I want them to realise how lucky they are . We barely had toys , food , the right clothes , electricity and after drug raids no front door .my mum stole any presents if we ever got any .my youngest two know we were not with our parents and we never had toys holidays like they do . I’ve always told my eldest what life can be like for addicts how destructive and hurtful it is and he’s an amazing lad so hopefully he knows .tje other two I shall have to deal with that later on .

And no I don’t think I do love my mum although I’m not sure really . I left her when I was 11 so it’s aleays been easy walking away from anyone else who pisses me off :-D

I think try not to make drugs something to be scared of . They will experiment and push boundaries .my past isn’t there’s and peer pressure is strong . Support them educate them let them know you will pick them up drunk from anywhere but let them know it cannot continue . They need to remain in control . For drinking it’s stoxk to one type of drink ,don’t mix them , call me when you’re getting in trouble . It worked for us . Work with it not against it .

I recently lost my cousin to heroin andeft three beautiful teenagers behind (one I believe has fallen into gang culture).

The younger two have been living in their dad's side in loving home for a few years now and seem to be doing well.

I always want to do something but I don't know what. Just wondering if you had any suggestions?

I just want to add I saw a loving wonderful mother turn into someone completely different in a very short time. Im sure your parents loved you but heroin is really the devil. My cousin also sold the kids toys after every christmas and birthdays - previously she would scrimp to get them the best.

#soddingsoda sorry try to read this . Yes it’s clutches are never far away . There doesn’t seem to be a lot of support for children of addicts .
I totally get what you’re saying actually I don’t necessarily blame my mum ( cba with my dad ) or my sister for that matter who left two orphaned children . She was a good person deep down but this shit changes people beyond recognition . I used to wonder how my mum couldn’t give up for the love of her children . Until I realised it was even stronger than that .
Inbox me if o can help . But just be there and listen let them talk and be a positive continual influence in their life .there is more than one way of doing things .

So can I ask a question in return

What’s everyone’s impressions of children of heroin addicts ?

Well, being mum to 2 kids born to drug addicted mothers, I am probably not objective. I don't think negatively about children born to addicts. I think some of them are more resilient than we can ever know. If they haven't started life battling the effects of neo natal abstinence they have witnessed things that I can't even imagine.To be able to function after the abuse and neglect is pretty impressive.