Dominatrix AMA

[Dommina]

I hope these threads aren't tired now - I've had a lot of insight reading them!

I'm a part time Dominatrix. I've been very active in the kink/fetish community for about 2 years, and started working professionally about 6 months ago. I love it.

NC as this is outing and I have a day job. Long time lurker, sometimes poster. Ask away!

[Starlightjazz]

Is it safe sane and consensual ie use safe words and is the sub in control at all times?

[Dommina]

Lemain - I absolutely do not have sex with clients. While I have connections with girls (and boys) who do that and I do not judge, I'm personally not comfortable with it as I'm gay. I remain fully clothed at all times, though clients usually undress. I might touch their genitals at some point, but only for sadistic purposes - i.e. CBT (cock and ball torture). Pegging and anal play is quite common though. I'll always use condoms and gloves.

Loveka - Most clients don't orgasm. There are many domes who don't allow it. While it's still sexual, I don't perform traditional sexual acts, though may engage in pegging. It's arousing on a much different level and for some clients may not be sexual at all. It may be a comfort, or a release, or just plain fun.

DailyMailPaper - See above for your first question. It is incredibly arousing for most clients, and I may allow them to masturbate to finishing, but orgasming doesn't usually happen. If it does I'm certainly not assisting by touching them. Usually I guess it's stored in the 'wank bank' :D
Yes I will discuss the nature of the session beforehand and approximate timings. Of course, there may times when they don't like it and we have to think of something else, or they want more of something. I'll allow five or ten minutes towards the end to 'cool down' and bring them back to reality. Especially if they enter 'subspace' (A kind of...trance I guess?). We also have a 10 minute debrief after the session. Don't be sorry. Happy to answer.

Stego - I work either at my home (If I've seen them before - I live with kink-friendly fuck-off big flatmates, so I feel safe, or at a dungeon, though that costs extra. I don't do outcalls as it doesn't feel safe.

Pinstripe - I don't sell them on amazon, I have a wishlist of items that clients and 'fans' buy me. Anything from floggers to a slow-cooker :D I sell tights/socks/pants to clients through my personal page. I'm purely word-of-mouth and don't have a website.

Starlight - I tend to say 'RACK' when I'm talking about consent. Risk Aware Consensual Kink. There are things in kink which are not safe. I would never practise breath play as it's just too dangerous for me. I don't practise complicated rope on clients as I'm not skilled enough yet. Kink is about knowing what the risks are and minimising them, not pretending they don't exist. For example, if I'm caning someone, and I hit their kidneys, they could get incredibly hurt. It's not a sefe activity. There's the risk of breaking skin. Instead of just not caning someone because it's not safe, I practise my aim, I 'warm up' the skin, I check for blood, I disinfect my toys. SSC vs RACK is a pretty hot topic.

As for the sub being in control...in a way. Although again I would question that. Yes, if they 'safeword' (I use a traffic light system) then I'll stop or check in. They have the power to end the scene. But ultimately I believe the power is mine, especially if I'm playing for fun. I decide what to do with them, within negotiated boundaries, and ultimately if something goes wrong then I will take responsibility. Subs are not always in control of their though processes during a scene. They might be trying to 'push themselves', they might go in to trance, they might feel uncomfortable speaking up. It's up to me to check on body language and care for them. I know if I ever 'bottom' then I will agree to things I wouldn't normally during a scene as go 'spacey'. So yes and no I guess.

Sorry super long, I'm a thinker!

[Dommina]

I'm off to work - I'll check up and reply a bit later if anyone's still interested!

[GirlsBlouse17]

Do you pay tax on your earnings?

[TheDailyMailisToiletPaper]

Thanks for answering my questions. I guess I'm intrigued by the period between stopping the scene and coming back to normality. What do you actually say when the time's up? How do you finish a scene? How do you know when it's finished if there's no climax? And what do you talk about in the debrief? Do they tell you what worked and what didn't work so well for them?

[HollowTalk]

God, I'm just thinking of when I was married and how I would have loved to have punished him for leaving the kitchen in a mess!

[Dommina]

Daily.
I'll usually give a warning - 10 minutes then 5 minutes left. Gives them a chance to gather thoughts and squeeze in last minute requests. Then at the end I'll just say 'times up'. Obviously less clockwatching involved if I'm doing it for fun. It's more helpful to think of it as 'segments' rather than a full hour. So, 15mins for worship, 15 minutes flogging, pause, 10 minutes caning, 20 minutes sissification, perhaps. I'll say in advance sometimes how long a bit will take. Or I might say '20 cane lashes' or whatever.

Debriefs involve, like you said, what worked and what didn't, checking for damage, general chit chat, perhaps setting up next session, feelings and emotions etc. Kink is a very honest business and feedback is very important.

Yes, I'm fully tax compliant

[Dommina]

Hollow talk, I train couples too for your next beau They'll be scrubbing the floors in no time (consensually )

[HollowTalk]

Ha, and I'll be there reading my book and giving them the odd kick and filthy look... I have found my new vocation!

[UpperWallop]

What a strange species we are!

[ShackUp]

Do you think your clients have anything in common with each other, like a 'common factor' leading to their interest in being submissive?

[MalloryLaurel]

I used to be a teacher. It sounds like a lesson plan!
Do high heels break the skin if you walk on a client?

[Dommina]

Shack - You do see the stereotype of men who have so much power in their home lives, and want to relinquish it for a while. Theres also those who don't receive a lot of affection and want more of a 'fluffy domme' experience, where I play without insulting or degrading them.

I wouldnt walk on people in heels. There is a risk of breaking skin and causing damage to organs. Unless you are particularly light and are in a cage with holds on it, id always advise bare feet.

[Dommina]

Without outing myself too much,my day job is in the education field, and yes lesson/lecture planning skills come in handy

[Apileofballyhoo]

What do you feel like when you're doing a session, whether it's paid or not? I'm fascinated by the mind process of inflicting pain or humiliating someone... Where is the pleasure for you in that?

[Dommina]

How do I feel? Well professionally I have fun most of the time, sometimes a liitke bored to be honest as I can't dictate the session, though I wouldn't agree to any session that makes me uncomfortable.

Why I enjoy it is a far deeper question and something I ask myself. Most of the time sessions are just good fun. I'm not sexually attracted to a good proportion of my play partners, but I enjoy knowing they are getting turned on. I think that's the heart of it. It really gets me off to know that other people are enjoying themselves. In vanilla settings too.

I find it incredibly difficult to enjoy sex a lot of the time, as it has often been traumatic, so I guess I've kind of sought alternative pleasure sources.

I enjoy subverting myself. I'm incredibly passive and have very low self esteem IRL. Dominating others gives me confidence I don't normally have. It creates an atmosphere. I'm finally able to speak my mind and take charge, which I find it hard to do. I think it's rubbed off on my IRL life in a fantastic way.

I enjoy, as I said, giving pleasure, and for some that means pain. Though domming doesn't always mean physical pain. You can torture people with pleasure by withholding it or giving them near enough their limit of it.

I enjoy the fear. Maybe it's because Ive been fearful myself for so long. I enjoy the tense facial expressions and wild eyes, heavy breathing. I might snap a whip near to their ear, pause caning to build anticipation.

I enjoy the control. I didn't gave it for 4 years in an abusive relationship in my young adulthood.

I enjoy it myself. Although I would never submit to someone outside the bedroom, bottoming from time to time can be amazing. Once you get past the mental barrier, pain can release amazing endorphins and be a real rush, physically. I am very carful of who I bottom with though.

I don't think there's any one reason I enjoy it. I guess like asking 'why do you like blue?'. Sure there's probably a reason smewhere in your phyche, but it doesn't really matter.

And again, I only play with people who fully consent and always make sure there's aftercare. They always enjoy themselves.

[Apileofballyhoo]

So I suppose it's just the way you are. I much prefer not to be in control during sexual encounters as I would rather feel than think. Possibly because I think so much otherwise. Or possibly just the way I am. The control aspect fascinates me, as does the inflicting pain or fear, as I just can't imagine it. Still fascinating. Your answer is not any different than any others I've read really, you simply just enjoy it. It's a turn on seeing the other person turned on, and you enjoy seeing the fear and pain reactions. Thanks for answering so honestly. It's such a strange thing that as a society we rightly are against cruelty and sadism but yet there seems to be some kind of psychological thing where it is part of sexuality. Probably not expressing that very well!

[ARoomSomewhere]

Do you think it is necessary to have been part of the scene in general before you do it professionally?

[Dommina]

Yes Apile. Its very difficult to pin down!

Aroomsomewhere, I think it's very helpful, although I guess not strictly necessary if you educate yourself. It's useful for connections and networking, learning techniques first hand, workshops, classes etc. I go to workshop on consent once a month, as part of play parties. I get most of my clients through fetish markets and word of mouth at fetish clubs. Almost everyone in the kink scene is so friendly and welcoming. It's a real community.

[ARoomSomewhere]

I live in a rural area in the north of England.
How do i find out if there is a fetish scene around here pls?

[Dommina]

I strongly recommend fetlife. It's a bit like Facebook for us kinky folk. It will list events near you - look out for 'munches', which are vanilla gatherings in pubs and things. Much less scary than going to a fetish party straight away!