I'm adopted AMA

[MycatsaPirate]

I was adopted aged 6.

Please feel free to ask anything at all from either a parent or child's POV.

I don't mind personal questions.

Why were you adopted?

Hello - would you choose to adopt?

I was adopted when both parents died. My mum was murdered. My dad took his own life.

Would I adopt? Possibly. I have two children of my own and my partner has two. We decided not to have a child together due to the existing children needing us already. I worry that my experiences as an adoptee would make me mess up somewhere along the line though.

Interesting. If you don't mind, how old are you? I am adopted too.

Was it difficult settling into a new family? What were the challenges?

Is there anything you would like to say to someone considering adoption. Anything from the child's pov that tends to be overlooked?

I'm adopted too, fostered as a new born, adopted under a year.

I''m 49 now. My youngest sibling and only full blood sibling is 44. We were split up and adopted separately.

It was incredibly difficult settling into a new family. I remember being in a children's home and then suddenly being with this new family. I don't remember much about how that happened. It was about 2 weeks from them dying to being placed with the new family. So I had no idea what to call these new people and they had no preparation for dealing with a traumatised 6 year old. They hadn't been planning to adopt.

I've always wondered this about adopted children that knew their biological parents. Do you call you adoptive parents mum and dad or by their names? If referring to your biological parents do you call them mum and dad?

If you plan to adopt then always remember that the child will have questions and please don't ever lie to them. Or evade questions. Or push things under the carpet in the hope that the questions will go away. Don't hide things, no matter how bad they are because the wondering is worse.

Don't expect the child to instantly call you mum and dad either. Give them an option to call you something else until they feel comfortable.

I call them mum and dad and refer to my bio parents as my real parents. Which sounds harsh but what else can I say?

@Mycatsapirate thankyou for answering me and I'm sorry if it was a bit sensitive.

Hi OP - I'm an adoptive parent. I'm lurking while I think about how to formulate the question I'm grappling with at the moment with DD and her need to be in control of everything...

No, it's fine @WhenenoughisEnough

I sometimes catch myself wincing if I say 'real parents' in front of my adoptive parents. But they have never wanted to discuss life before them and it was very much a 'sweep it under the carpet' thing and just pretend bad things don't happen.

Olennas I can totally understand her. Her whole life has been out of her control. Decisions were made for her, changes happened that were difficult to cope with. My parents were meant to take me to counselling but didn't. I had to cope with huge changes, no one wanting to discuss them, a new sibling (their birth child), no hugs, no cuddles, no kisses, no love and it was utterly bewildering. I am sure you give your DD plenty of love and affection but she will still feel like she is a bit lost.A section of her life is still missing and it's so hard to articulate that without feeling you are upsetting the person who has given you a new home and family. So she is probably trying to control the things she can because she can't control the big things.

It's only now as an adult I realise I have huge attachment issues, but I'm not sure it's just because I'm adopted, but because of my family set up.
Obviously 40 years ago things were different, but my issues are on going.
I feel my adoptive family are currently stamping all over me.
I'm not my biological brother to my parents and never will be.

Ihavebrillohair Absolutely feel every word you have written. I feel like I've been floating in some sort of limbo land my entire life, never quite fitting in, never feeling quite good enough, always lacking in confidence and always like others are much more worthy of attention/affection than I am.

@mycats & @brillo I am adopted aswell and have absolutely no issues, relating to being adopted. I don’t mean this comment as horribly as it sounds, I was just wondering about your attachment issues, it’s not something I’ve come across before & a quick google talks about being able to show affection.

@mycat I’m sorry your feeling like that, I can relate to the ‘never feeling good enough’ but for very different reasons. I hope things start to look better.

I remember as a kid I had a book called ‘Jane is adopted’ that my mum & dad used to read to me. Anyone also adopted remember that book?

Im adopted as well. This post is great for people to see from a adoptees point of view and the stigma around adoptees on how we are in ourselves etc. One thing i want to add please never say to a adoptee we should be greatful or lucky...its not our fault with whatever happened to the adoptee.

Posting here under my adoptee name change... happy to answer questions as well.

male 41 adopted as a six week old baby, have a great life in so many ways yet have always had emotional struggles with the issues surrounding it.

Some very interesting posts here for everyone involved.

My sis has this book. I honestly think it is one of her (and mine!) most treasured possessions. An aunt bought it for her as a child, and she got little text strips and changed the names to our names. It’s brilliant! We loved it as kids.
I have an older sister and younger brother and we were all adopted at different times, but we were all very young. We aren’t biologically related. We are extremely close to each other and to our folks.
My mum gets a bit upset if anyone even mentions looking for ‘birth parents’, and tbh none of us have ever felt the need anyway.

OP and other adoptees here have you ever used any of the specialist groups or counselling services for adoptees and if so, how did you get on. I have been invited to a couple of events for adult adoptees in the last year but haven't attended. I think it would be nice to be with a peer group that "get it" but also have concerns about retriggering (is that even a word?!?) myself.

Were you allowed to go to your biological parents' funerals? The two weeks sounds like a very quick move.

Hi all, fellow adoptee here too. Though I didn't find out until later in life (age 25).

I didn't go to their funeral. They did on 7th December and I was placed with the new family before Christmas that year. It was all very quick, no one really explained what was going on.

My new parents have never talked about anything to do with the adoption. I get the feeling my dad was the one who wanted to take me in and my mum was just going along with it. They were extended family and I hadn't spent much if any time with them previously. My little sister was adopted by others within the family. We are now very close despite a pretty difficult childhood for both of us.

I think my biggest issues were the fact that they wouldn't let our grandparents adopt us. We had spent a lot of time with them and were very close to them. They said it was their age but my Nan didn't die until I was 20 and my grandad lived until I was 31. I remained very close to them and they were the only people I could talk about my birth dad with. Contact with my birth mum's family stopped. Everyone blamed my mum for what happened.

I also wonder how SS decided to place us with two families who were wholly unprepared for adopting, who weren't prepared to take us to counselling or cope with the trauma with went through. It was literally just moved into new homes and left. Just expected to crack on as normal. I don't think that would happen now.

Since then my sister and I have found another sister our mum gave up for adoption and there is a brother out there too somewhere.

I think it's awful that some adoptive parents reject all talk of their children finding their birth family. They have no idea how hard it is not to know where you are from, who you actually are. Even down to medical issues when you are asked if there is history of something in the family and you have to say you have no idea.

Luki that must have been a huge shock for you. How have you coped?

Bastardchild (I wish you wouldn't call yourself that :( ) No, no support groups. I'm not sure I could sit and talk with people about it. It's weird, it's easier on here, anonymous and can just waffle on about whatever is in my head.

I have a bad track record with relationships. None have lasted beyond 8 years and I have a series of long term relationships and a failed marriage. I hope that my current relationship is my last one. I feel I know myself a bit more now I am older and slightly wiser.

I don't have issues showing affection to my children. I shower them with love and hugs because I know how important it is and it's something I missed out on.