I'm diagnosed with adult ADHD, ask me anything.

[BertieBotts]

Note to HQ - if you do decide to make a section for these feel free to move to appropriate section.

Note to those sick of these threads - sorry I can't resist a bandwagon and it's Sunday night with not much going on.

Ha, ha, I'll come and say hello!

How long ago were you diagnosed?

What is the 1 best thing and 1 worst thing about having ADHD?

Hello Bertie. For some reason I mentally had you down as one of the regular ASD posters! Was there a time you wondered if it was autism at all? Or have I just confused you with someone else?

Hello Bertie, I've seen you about on here and had ASD in mind too, do you have co-occurring diagnoses or am I muddled?

And I like the idea is a section on MN for these threads, there are many!

Q - what's the best thing your parents did to help you growing up?

I was diagnosed about 2.5 years ago.

Hmmm... the one best thing is probably the creativity. Usually when I get an idea it's never really one idea at a time but it's like a firework going off with more ideas coming from this part and then more ideas coming from that part, so much I can hardly keep up with all of them, but it's fun and I get lots of inspiration just from one random thought.

The worst thing is that I'm so terrible at following up on any intentions so it's extremely rare that any of my ideas ever come to anything. What works best for me is combining my ideas with a person who is more of a realistic planner/doer. Luckily my DH is one of these so we make a good team.

I used to post on a lot of the joint ASD/ADHD or general neurodiversity threads. I can't remember ever thinking that I might have had ASD but I definitely relate to some aspects of ASD in women because there are similarities in terms of how ADHD is generally perceived vs how it usually manifests in women and girls. So that might be where the association for a few of you comes from? It is possible that a long while ago it might have been where I started looking for answers but I'm afraid I can't really remember. I am quite opposite to ASD in many ways so I really don't think that fits me as a diagnosis. As part of the ADHD assessment I'm sure there were some ASD related questions as well and my psychiatrist didn't mention that any of these were flagging up relevance for me.

The only co-occurring diagnosis the doctor queried was OCD, but in the end she decided that while I fit the criteria (just) for an OCD diagnosis it was more likely to be my ADHD symptoms leaning in this way so my official diagnosis includes "Perfectionist personality traits"

I'm in Germany so the diagnosis process may be different but I asked my GP for a referral and explained the areas I was struggling with and why I felt a diagnosis would help. She was reluctant and asked me to try some organisational and general health tactics first which I did as best as I could, but ultimately I came back and said I still want the referral, and she gave it to me. There is a UK adult ADHD charity which recommends this approach in the UK: aadduk.org/faq/

My parents (and I) didn't know I had ADHD growing up but probably the best thing my mum has done for me is to always reiterate that she loved and accepted me just the way I am and that I don't need to change to fit in with other people's expectations and if doing something my way works that is the right thing for me to do. Not to expect or try to be like "everybody else".

If you had to self medicate what would you use?

Do you think being diagnosed properly helped?

What a lovely Mum you have

How do you think Germany compares to the U.K. in terms of catering to ADHD and neuro diversity and social attitudes?

I'm not on medication and have never been as I've been TTC or pregnant since about 3 months after diagnosis. I use caffeine, exercise and concentrate really hard on getting proper sleep, that's probably the extent of my chemical meddling - these days! I used to smoke but more for the enjoyment - probably occasionally to make myself more alert.

What coping strategies does your DH use to stop you doing his head in? My DP has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and I’m just trying to learn how to attribute traits to his diagnosis rather than to him not caring/not trying,

I haven't been here in a long time but I remember you! I love that some people have never changed their names.

I know that something is wrong with me and recently asked to be referred to the adult autism team but it's actually starting to look more like ADHD apparently. I even showed old school reports lol.

My question - Do you struggle to wake up in the morning (I do and thought this would exclude ADHD as what could be wrong with me. If you do, how do you combat it?

I’m fairly sure I have it and I do TONS of caffeine

Being diagnosed properly ABSOLUTELY helped me, even though I haven't been able to try medication (yet). I feel like my anxiety and depression symptoms, both of which I'd struggled with on and off since about 14, disappeared overnight. I think that the difference is that before, even though I suspected for about 2 years before getting assessed, I could never quite know for certain whether something about me wasn't working as it should or whether it was just me being crap. So being able to say actually I just struggle with that and not revert to self-blame helps a lot. And also being able to specifically read about the condition and how it tends to affect people (and affect brain processes - executive function being a big one) suddenly meant that a lot of things made sense. So before diagnosis and before I knew as much about ADHD I would regularly make mistakes or fail to do things and it just felt utterly and totally random and out of my control - imagine if any time you had any intention to do something, it was completely out of your control whether it got done or not, and your own amount of caring or effort was completely irrelevant. That was really, insanely difficult to deal with and quite frightening in a way because it meant that I felt like I couldn't rely on myself.

So since being diagnosed I have been able to put my mistakes and failures into context and understand and pinpoint where things went wrong which in the past often seemed incomprehensible, and this makes them both easier to cope with when they do happen but also easier to prevent in the future as well.

To tell the truth I find it hard to compare Germany and the UK because I have only lived in Germany since being diagnosed, but I'm probably still more immersed in UK culture. I haven't told my employers although I have been clear about my needs in certain ways like I always ask them to confirm any changes to my schedule via email and make sure that I have a written record of anything like this because I know I am likely to forget. There seems to be a better attitude towards it in schooling here but it also might just be that I'm seeing the effects of 20 years' progress in education, so it might also be better in UK schools by now as well.

My DH's coping strategy is that he is a very patient man No seriously... it hasn't been easy and he was probably much more frustrated earlier on in the process when I hadn't got my coping mechanisms very well honed yet either. Mostly, we talk about stuff and try to approach things from a standpoint of trying to see where the other is coming from, rather than an I'm right; You're wrong kind of thing. If we are getting too annoyed to discuss something or it's turning into an argument then one of us will point this out and we'll each take time separately to calm down and discuss it later. I think an important issue here is that men and women tend to have been socialised differently in how to react when big emotions come up so when I feel attacked or get very anxious/frustrated/feel he's not understanding or listening to me I just become distraught and cry whereas most men in this situation default towards defensive aggression, so it might be even more important for you to work out a "safe word" for arguments so that you don't get to this point. Sometimes when we talk about things I actually make notes because otherwise what happens is that I get all het up in the moment and I can't take in or remember what we actually agreed to do going forward.

I appreciate that he's always honest (sometimes to the point of bluntness) about how he's feeling (which he says is hard for him but he's got better at it) and I have also learned that if something has got to a point that he's telling me about it, it means it's REALLY bothering him, which I hadn't really appreciated before because I'm more of a verbal diarrhoea type so 90% of what comes out of my mouth is just random incidental thoughts which aren't very important, and one of my things is to moan - so I'd be happily spouting off all this stuff which he'd run around fixing and feeling like he'd done loads for me which I'd be oblivious to because I wouldn't even remember that I had complained about it because it wasn't important in the first place.

One big issue we have had is my tendency to "flamingo" when I have a problem I don't know how to handle - I stick my head in the sand and ignore it until it becomes an enormous problem and this obviously isn't great when you are married to somebody and it becomes their problem too. So after this happened once or twice and he realised it was a coping mechanism of mine rather than a one off, he explicitly said don't do that; I can't live with that, just ask me if you don't know how to fix or approach something and we'll work it out together, it doesn't matter how bad it is.

In short, be blunt, it helps - particularly about your expectations, boundaries and what you can/can't cope with. But be open to him saying "I can't promise/do that" and ask him what he can promise or do - and try to get him to make an honest assessment here too because quite often we've dealt with a lifetime of adults/teachers/parents saying "You need to do X" and we've learned to agree and promise to do it even when we don't think we can because adults tend to get irate when you say "But I can't remember to do my homework every night" or something like that.

Sorry this is quite waffly - there is a good ADHD youtube channel called How To ADHD where the author refers to people with ADHD as Brains and people who love them as Hearts. So look for her advice to Hearts and you might find some helpful tips.

(This ended up so long I'll jut start a new post for the next question reply)

I've suspected my DH has ADHD for a long time. He fits the inattentive description perfectly but isn't hyperactive, and never has been. Quite the opposite in fact, my mum says "his get up and go has got up and gone" which describes him very accurately
My question is are you hyperactive or inattentive or both? Do you know if it's possible to get a diagnosis without hyperactive traits?

Are you inattentive / hyperactive ? How does it feel - is it a lot of distractions all competing for attention ? How was school for you ?

Do you experience ‘hyperfocus’ where you can focus intently on topics which interest you ? Is your work in one of these areas ? Do you have difficulty being organized, and if so, how do you compensate for this ?

Sorry for so many questions - have a DS who has ASD and am trying to figure out if he also has ADHD or if his inattentiveness just part of the ASD.

I have HUGE problems getting up in the morning and this is something which is very highly correlated with ADHD! Not everyone struggles but lots of us do. I have a system now - on school mornings I have a QR code alarm app on my phone, I use a sleep tracker but Alarmy apparently works well too and is free. I am allowed two 10 minute snoozes and then on the final alarm I can't turn it off until I physically take my phone to the bathroom and take a picture of the barcode on my toothpaste (when I buy a different brand of toothpaste, I have to remember to recalibrate the app so I normally add a few more like mouthwash, hand soap, DS's toothpaste etc as well). If I just ignore the alarm, it will get louder and louder and after 15 minutes of being ignored it turns into a massively horrible loud bell sound which also can't be turned off. Being in the bathroom prompts me to do a wee and then I do my teeth as well which wakes me up enough to fight the urge to go back to bed and instead recognise that I need to make sure DS is up and then I sit down with him and drink coffee while he eats breakfast. He massively struggles in the mornings too so I often make him cereal even though he's old enough to be able to do it himself. Luckily he gets himself off to school now, but when I had to walk with him I'd throw on things like tracksuit bottoms and a hoodie rather than getting dressed properly and only start my day properly when I got back home.

When he was younger before I had a smartphone I had worked out all of the latest possible times for things like leaving the house and I worked out that I needed at least 30 minutes to make and drink a cup of tea or coffee without it being too hot, so I always tried to get myself into "outdoor ready" clothes and downstairs at least 30 minutes before we needed to leave because then I could have the legitimate reward of my hot drink. Once DS was dressed and ready he was allowed to watch Milkshake which motivated him and also helped me keep track of time and we would always leave when Peppa Pig had finished.

When I was at school I used to try to get downstairs with my uniform before Friends started on the TV so I could watch that while I got dressed and then I'd eat an easy breakfast of yoghurt. I knew I had to leave straight after Everybody Loves Raymond to be on time.

So - make your motivations hinge on things you can't get out of or change. I couldn't change the TV schedule and I couldn't change how quickly a cup of tea cools to drinkable temperature.

I also have a bedtime routine now for school nights. I let myself stay up later and sleep in at weekends even though I know it's crap for sleep hygiene because I just hate getting up early so much that I value that slower start at the weekends and it feels easier to get up quickly in the week when I know I can lie in at the weekends.

BTW - something which is often considered to be comorbid with ADHD is Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder which also curiously describes a lot of my own life so I have wondered if I have this as well but I thought I'd try the ADHD medication before I asked about anything relating to this (I think the only treatment for it is melatonin anyway.)

I have adult ADHD too

I am inattentive type and I got a diagnosis without hyperactive traits. "Get up and go has get up and gone" describes me very well. Sometimes I struggle with low energy which seems the opposite of hyperactive. I have more thoughts about this and the "types" but I'm noticing my answers are getting very long so I'll leave it there! :)

I don't personally find that it feels like lots of distractions competing for attention. It's hard to say how it feels because I don't know how it feels not to have ADHD. I suppose it feels a lot of the time as though there is a fog and I'm sort of floating in the fog and don't really exist and it's quite an effort to keep myself "in the room" so to speak, but that doesn't describe my experience all of the time. My brain is very busy and it took me a long time to realise that most people don't have multiple thought tracks going at once - my brain is a bit like a busy pub in that there are snippets of lots of conversations and I can only follow one at once but sometimes I'm halfway through something and then I realise that I've totally zoned out of one conversation (thought track) and gone onto another one. There is normally music playing as well. I can concentrate better when I write or speak my thoughts because that forces me to stick to one track at a time, and blocking out the "background noise" by e.g. listening to music helps as well.

School was mixed for me. I'm academically able and I love learning so that aspect was great and I always found it very stimulating, but on the other hand I've always struggled socially, I never knew how to fit in and I was always bullied and excluded by my peers. I got told off for daydreaming a lot and my teachers were often baffled by the disconnect between my engagement in class which was excellent, and my written work which was usually all over the place or incredibly messy, took me hours to complete or just left unfinished because I ran out of time. If a task was portioned out and time managed for me I would do very well on it and I struggled with longer term projects. This showed up when I got to GCSE level especially - I didn't realise at the time but looking back at my grades I made no progress from my mock exams in year 10 to the actual exams in year 11 (you're supposed to gain 1-2 grade levels) and everything fell apart repeatedly post-16 and I haven't actually completed anything I've attempted at that level or higher, despite having no trouble getting accepted onto courses and starting brilliantly (including university) which is a huge source of distress actually. Hopefully one day I'll go back and do it just to prove that I can but it's not possible at the moment.

I definitely experience hyperfocus but I can't always predict what it will latch onto. It's not related to interest for me. I'm hyperfocusing on this at the moment and it's like I get tunnel vision and everything else ceases to exist - I've been here for 2 hours and it feels more like 20/30 minutes. I'll have to stop shortly so that I can go to bed at a normal time or I'll be here until 2am (I didn't really think about that earlier ) Usually when I hyperfocus any distractions seem massively inconvenient and irritating which is hard when you're a parent because you don't tend to have long blocks of uninterrupted time to do anything. I work as an English teacher and I sometimes hyperfocus on lesson planning or long term course/content creation, but if I'm very honest it's much more often that I turn up 5 minutes before the lesson and have to improvise something (luckily I'm quite good at that too!) FWIW again there is a good video on How To ADHD about hyperfocus and specifically relating to video games - as a wild stab in the dark I'm guessing this might be the "interest" your DS is able to hyperfocus on?

I have problems being organised and I work around this by basically downloading my brain onto Google Calendar and having systems which build on other systems - so the morning routine helps me remember to brush my teeth and have regular time in my day to converse with my DS for example. I used to check my emails every morning (I've been forgetting this recently) so I email myself reminders and use the morning time to deal with them. Everything goes in the calendar, I even create events for tasks that I think I should do like washing and I keep looking at it all the time - it's always open on my browser and I use widgets to make it visible on my phone too. It partly syncs with DH so if I forget to tell him something he can still see it and if he tells me something I don't forget about it. If something doesn't get done then I move it to a new day where it does. I also use journey planner apps to work out how long journeys and things will take because my estimation is usually wrong. I still forget things, turn up underprepared and such but I'm better than I used to be.

DP has (almost certainly) ADD. He is waiting for his referral appointment. He fits all the descriptions. He can be incredibly hard to live with due to the inattentiveness and OCD like symptoms. Everything needs to be "just so". He can let things go a bit at times, but when he has his mood swings he can go from 0 to full angry selfish OCD in minutes. It's like has no control over his anger about the smallest thing at those times. But rest of the time he is very loving and romantic, even. Also, he has an unique mind with an abundance of creative thoughts. I've never met anyone else like him. I hope medication will help him get on a more even keel, as it often feels like he is clawing for some sense of control back at those tumultuous moments. His way of having that is imposing an order and structure on his life (which has been harder for him since I moved in with all my things and my flexible routines, as well as no telepathic ability to know what is suddenly "unacceptable" to him on any given day - e.g. plates in the sink, a bag or two on the sofa. Sigh

Apologies for lack of paragraphs! Didn't realise my post was going to be quite THAT long...

All of your answers are fascinating - you’re saying things that resonate so much with how DP has described himself. The coping strategies you use are really interesting too, as he needs to develop many more of these.
What you said about school and university is very similar - he started a masters, wrote so much in such great depth that it was decided that he should put it forward as a PhD instead but then never finished it...which he is still so saddened by even now.