Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return

fwiw I worked with foster carers for many years and sometimes long term placements would break down around the teenage years when the kids went off the rails then in mid 20s when brain development finished they’d come and apologise.

I probably put my own parents through it - I didn’t get on with my Dad and left home at 18 (as soon as I’d finished my exams) without telling them. I didn’t tell my younger siblings either . Teenagers can be quite selfish and blinkered.

I was typing another message but I lost it. Re dh angry and passionate sound like his feelings. You sound as though you are depressed and despondent and powerless.

These are both normal responses to something that is out of your control. Neither will make a difference to the situation though. Therapy needs to help you with your feelings, both you and your dh. They won’t be able to tell you what to do about your daughter though.

Another substack that might help is the Stoic Mum one - I heard her interviewed by Sasha & Stella a while ago. She comes from a position of trying to accept what she can’t change - when I heard her I thought you’re crazy, you can’t just accept it! But maybe there’ll be something on there that will help with how you’re feeling.

My dd is 11 my heart goes out to you from one mum to another. I haven’t gone through what you’re going through so I’m sorry if my thoughts aren’t helpful. Sending virtual hugs.

Hi Moo

I’ve been following since the beginning of the thread. I’m so sorry that you’re being put through this. The teen pulling away thing is so normal but the added stress of worrying about medical intervention ramps it up.

The therapist really doesn’t sound helpful - with them asking how if feels to have a ‘trans daughter’ sounds a bit too accepting of gender identity ideology.

I know Genspect originally started through working with parents - maybe they can point you in the direction of more helpful therapy.

I also read the PITT substack and the expectation that parents should just get on with acceptance with no support.

How does it feel? I would imagine terrifying, sickening, soul destroying…If you said this to the therapist how do you think they’d respond?

If they are making you feel guilty for not accepting your ‘trans child’ and not hearing or acknowledging your pain then don’t go back.

I knew I loved Moomins 😋

JFC I just bought pizza.

Never. Eating. Pizza. Again.

Well guess what I was going to be having for lunch until a few seconds ago 🤣

I learned in Finland that mozzarella is sometimes called Moomin meat and my life hasn't been the same since

😂

You are very welcome.

Just to add you can get charm bracelets that aren't particularly "girly" - even Pandora do a leather one that's arguably unisex.

Pandora is a bit of a rip off but they have a massive number of different charms, so lots of potential to find something meaningful without being controversial.

I’m also a fan of the Moomins (but prefer Barbapapa!)

You can always edit colour photos to black and white , that gets rid of any pink/blue issues (not much help if it’s a tutu and fairy wings, then you’d have to go for the artfully-close-crop!)

Maybe you could find just one utterly gender-neutral and possibly chocolate-coated image from her early childhood (unless she used to be a pink-with-everything sort of a child).

Oh, I am a huge Moomin fan @Redbird87 ! Glad to known they're back "in" as DC's birthday is coming up. Moonpig has some lovely ones.

Good advice from Red and mum and good idea from dunBle about the cake. Bread - your good idea isn’t wasted, I’m going to use it 😀thankyou!

Oh that first Moomin card! I love the Moomins. 💕

@Moomoola I know it's really heartbreaking, but you're doing the best you can. When I went through this, which started before I even knew about ftm, being gnc was a sore spot for my mom and she forced me to be more feminine, convinced I was a lesbian. "What are you, a lesbian???" She was unbearable after I, in the heat of an argument, told her I was bi, and it became the awful thing in the room we never talked about but knew was there. I lived my life separate from them for a long time, starting at your DD's age or a little younger, and my mom never tried to understand, never apologized, and was always so passive-aggressive and confusing, going from hot and cold, and that made it harder to self-reflect. What I was, and what I was to avoid acquiescing became the same.-You're right, DD doesn't deserve a big present, and she knows that. If you give her one, it'll be misconstrued as gaslighting or trying to buy her love, or worse, trying to guilt her with childhood memories. Those things are verboten now, they don't exist until she brings them up. It's part of the intentional separation from her old, "dead" self. You're going to either be a frigid transphobe disowning her if you forgo acknowledging it, or trying to pull a guilt trip if you do. There's no winning, and that really sucks and I'm so sorry for you. But again, you're doing your best, especially with all the pressure from DH, trying to keep DS positive and given proper attention, and the isolation and probably anxiety from not working. -There's so many wise women in this thread, wish they'd all be in the same room irl so we could pick their brains for advice lol. As for my own pithy wisdom, I'd recommend sending a Moomin card. It's cute but not gendered, it's very in with the twee zoomer crowd (my heart breaks!), and one of the characters resonates with ftm people bc he's a sassy little butthole. And if that's not what you end up sending, have these anyway, bc Moomin always makes me feel better when I'm down <3