Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return

@Moomoola So frustrating. Don't worry about DS, he's not going to be so easily swayed by manipulation bc he was there, he knows you weren't foaming at the mouth and flinging slurs. You were patient and reasonable, if not terrified. That's still going to be painted as abusive, but only amongst others in the queer community, bc that's how that works now. If GF is anything like the people I've known who she reminds me of, she's whispering to DD about how mistreated she is and how her nutty parents are going to show up at her place of work. It's going to lead up to some kind of order of protection or no-contact order against you guys, those very serious legal threats are bandied about like they're nothing in that community and I saw it happen several times. The cult aspect is so so embedded. But as she continues this path, she's going to see how ftm's are treated by the rest of the community, especially mtf's, she's going to see her friends have medical issues, and she might even realize how unhappy she is. Maybe she'll notice her friends taking on they/them as a soft place to fall when being trans is too much. I hope for that whenever this crosses my mind.Love to my based and Moomin-pilled mumsnetters

I don't think you can be too laid back when she's 18. You have very little power and have to try and win the war not the fight. Focus on being the unconditionally loving real family who will always be there for her but who still worry she is making a mistake

By chance tonight at the end of Channel 4 news they interviewed Christine and the Queens whim I had not known about before. I think called ‘he’ he is a singer song writer, androgynous looking with a combination of feminine and masculine attractiveness and not remotely drag or camp.

I looked ‘him’ up and saw he has used any number of pronouns etc and is altogether eccentric, not a trans stereotype and certainly seems cool.

This is what is interesting: what he said about hormones and operations being a form of binarism, which is what everyone here keeps saying.
“He has stated that he is "in resistance to the approach of trans identity that there has to be hormones and operations", which he considers as a form of binarism.[11]”

He also says this very nice thing about his given name, Heloise:
"Héloïse Letissier is my parents' provenance and I love my parents. I sometimes use Héloïse to reconnect me to my childhood, but my inner child name is Manamané."[11]

Thus is a highly talented person who is not a typical trans and I thought maybe they could be a super star inspiration for you DD way above the run of the mill type.

NB This is the first I’ve heard of them so I don’t know if there are any disturbing factors about them which might be of concern, but I thought that remark of “NO HORMONES, NO OPERATIONS, TOO BINARY” from this version if trans person, with a lovely French accent and philisophical speech, could maybe be a role model.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christine_and_the_Queens
She looks different on Channel 4 tonight

I don’t think the lack of contact is too unusual either, it’s just the context isn’t it?

18 year old just gone to uni - fine
18 year old who ran away from home and completely cut their family off - different

@Moomoola In a way I’m surprised but not surprised by your son’s comment about it being normal or expected to move out at 18. In mean in some ways it is, but in the manner your DD did it, no!

I suspect this is his way of downplaying the severity of the situation; just trying to rationalise it to himself. Maybe even trying to make you feel better about everything, in a roundabout way?

Interesting that she’s reaching out to him but ignoring you. As ever, this is some sort of power game. She will be acting on some sort of advice, either in real life or trans social media. You must be so exhausted with it all.

I don’t think the lack of contact is abnormal for an 18 year old but I appreciate that it must feel that way due to the swift and unexpected exit.

There really is very little you can do beyond keeping the door propped open in the hope that eventually she will want to come back in.

it’s just so rubbish, isn’t it? The ideal
leaving home is the ritualistic dropping at uni and driving home with a wet face, but this generation of kids seems determined to whip up an unnecessary generational drama!

My eldest had a completely abnormal uni experience (little sister in hospital the first year, quickly followed by covid) so has probably been in touch more than he would’ve been in normal circumstances - he still had a phase of not really making any contact at all for months. Now he’s almost 23 and is constantly in touch and making plans to do things with me, inviting me to HIS stuff. We’re going to the cinema on Sunday, just us two.

I wish we’d evolved to have that last bit of brain maturation just a little bit faster! Seems like the bit between 15-22 is a massive pain in the arse to get through?

18 year old children often aren't in constant contact though. My son was at university for his 18th birthday and I heard from him every 2-3 weeks and then it was just a few lines on Messenger and we have a good relationship. I rarely contacted my parents after I left home at 18 for a few years. Teenagers are self obsessed and thoughtless. Chasing her won't help. She's asked you both to give her some space so I'd do that. If the family therapist isn't helpful and is affirming don't go. Your DH needs to find other things to think about as well. Your son going to see her is fine if he wants to.

I would send her a text that you miss her and hope to see her soon. And still brother see her.

And I know there may be all sorts of reasons not to, and they are a massive commitment, but if there aren’t good reasons, think about getting a puppy or a kitten. It will be new life in your house, something for you all to fuss and love, and she may also want a part of that. My kids joked that I replaced each of them with an animal, and I kind of did, discovered I preferred the animals too!

ive no idea what DH is talking about. I need to find out.

It's so difficult when you're trying to present a united front but your DH is a bit of a loose cannon!

DH wants me to go to the cafe, but now I feel I’ll be hounding her.

If he wants to go he can! But really it was keeping the line slack that worked best before.

I go from thinking she’s being persuaded to do something daft, to ..it’s her life.

Yeah (sigh!) I can't even talk to DC about how dangerous this medication shit is. I'm just going to have to be there to pick up the pieces if/when I'm wanted.

but most of all I just miss her.

So maybe you could say that ❤

Don't go to the cafe.

She has said she wants space.

Ignoring that is just giving more ammo to her partner and mum.

Personally I'd text back and say ok, you want some space and we will give you that for a couple of weeks. Perhaps use that time to think why contact makes you feel guilty and anxious?

Then we can have a constructive conversation about how make contact better moving forward?

It will be hard for us to stop contact because we love you so much, so in respecting your request, in turn we'd really appreciate it if you didn't make any life changing decisions during this time. Love Moo xxxx

Just tell her that, just tell her you miss her. I wouldn’t engage with the other stuff, it just makes you a target. Send your boy, send him with a cake and some stupid socks. Tell him plainly that you don’t want him to be caught n the middle and that if you make him feel that way at any point to say and you will stop it. Don’t go to the cafe.it’s not time yet. But her response to her Dad sounds honest, and that’s encouraging.

Why don't you message her just that? It's your life, your body, your decision to make. I just miss you being around.

Ultimately, it is her decision. I would stop giving her anything to push against. Just say, okay, your choice, your body, and focus on trying to connect through other things.

I know it's really scary to let go but what can you do? The more you stand against her, the more it pushes her towards transition. But if you can say, you're an adult, you're living independently of us, so you get to decide for yourself, it might take some of the pressure out of the situation.

I don't know if that is good advice or not, tbh. But it seems like the only way that you can try to keep the door open with your DD. And maybe it would be good to genuinely try to let go a little bit. You can't control the situation and trying to do so is causing you so much stress. Maybe it would be good to say, okay. You know our advice and we're here if you ever need us, but this is a decision that is yours alone to make and we're not going to get involved unless you ask us to.

I don't know. I hope she sees sense.

Hi Moo, been thinking of you. I do understand the feeling helpless and wishing we could just shake them out of it.

I don’t think he’ll fall for the trans thing, but don’t know how to handle an attempt to pit him against us, which is what I fear.

I think you're right to try to protect DS from the tension between you and DD. I wouldn't even try to give him the bigger picture about trans. I think you did right, making it clear that sometimes DD doesn't agree with you and DH especially about trans stuff and she doesn't always want to talk to you, and you're upset about that but it is up to her and you love her anyway; and that you are very happy that he and DD are still getting together.

It's going to very difficult if he feels squashed in the middle between you and DD. I absolutely understand your fears about him going the same way but this may be a "less is more" situation.

im soooo tempted to wait till she leaves the cafe I believe she works in and say enoughs enough.

I do see the temptation but you can't stop her doing what she does, and you can't stop DS seeing her. So what would it mean? Does it mean you want to cut off from her altogether - but then why go and see her?

How's the rest of life going - are you getting back to work?

That’s excellent advice - esp if you think your child is just getting into this - bombard their social media with other stuff you know they’ll love. Play the algorithm!

Hi Moomoola, was wondering how you’re doing
🍰☕️ just for you - I wish I could post them for real!!
Hope you had a good time with ds over the bank holiday

Your husband is being so frustrating, even with the escape of outside work and the friends it brings, he's still being a frustrated ape who can't see past his own immediate feelings. No sense of strategy, no guile, no patience.

I think you're doing fine, you're waiting it out without making her dig her heels in, unlike some people.

(Too late for the birthday, but just in case it’s useful there are many companies which will send boxes of brownies/cupcakes etc in the post, if you ever feel like she needs a gesture)

DH is trying to convince them that X and mum are A glitter family, and they are trying to convince us that we don’t accept DD is trans/has her reasons.

I'm sure DD does have her reasons, though her reasons might not be ones that look sensible to an adult. They may be based on feelings and you can't really argue with feelings (though maybe your DH would try!) Anyway the therapist sounds a bit ignorant if they've never even heard of GenderGP or GenderCare (DC uses GenderGP and one of their friends uses GenderCare)

When the therapist wasn’t looking, DH snatched my twiddled hanky away with a fierce look.

Ouch. No wonder you feel terrible.

Agree with pp that your response is normal, and yes DH's feelings of anger are normal but the way he went for you behind the therapist's back - that's a step beyond normal for me. There's something calculated about holding it in til the therapist wasn't looking.

And I’m tired of me.

Can you find some therapy or counselling just for yourself and by yourself? You need support from someone who listens to you. Not just you listening while other people argue with each other across you!