Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return

Wednesday's response is spot on. I might not add the 'your dad is driving me crazy' part as that's not your daughter's responsibility - both your DH and DD are responsible for their own relationship. However, that response makes you sound loving but strong - a great female role model! And your daughter, despite her seeming rejection of womanhood, will always identify with you and if you give her strength, she can put that in a pocket in her brain to pull out when needed (hopefully against controlling x!).

I still, barely, maintain a tumblr account, and while I’ve tried to curate my experience as well as I can it’s impossible for some gender woo not to seep in, and the view from the other side is appalling. Denigrating parents and families, calling any acts of attempting to broker peace psychological abuse.

I wish these children would have a read of these boards and understand that most likely your mum is not a horrible abusive bigot who doesn’t understand you, she’s a woman who loves you fiercely and cannot abide to watch you hurt yourself.

Just to add, although your daughter is a victim of an ideology/cult she is also behaving like an abuser. Abuse can be relatively subtle or at least hard to tag- it can include:

Oscillating between love and hate
Passive aggression
Rewriting events
Unpredictability
Hostility
Triangulation
Reversing blame
Ignoring your feelings

OP do you think exposing yourself to this so much is doing you any good? Do you see any repeating patterns? How do you feel physically? This can be a good clue.

I agree with this. I think OP needs to work on her boundaries both with her husband and daughter. You can clearly say you are there for her without constantly, damagingly running into rejection over and over again.

I don’t think it’s helpful to ‘tactically’ say things like you’re working to be a better mother/do more, as previously suggested; the tactical nature of it will be obvious and it will likely just feed her behaviour.

I know what you mean @wednesdaynamesep

It seems @Moomoola can never predict whether a text message will elicit a friendly response or a stab in the back. The texts about needing space and please respect this are so loaded with passive aggression (do as I say OR ELSE) and I agree they are cruel.

Also agree that @Moomoola could fight fire with fire, as it were, and drop the hopeful texts in favour of “I’m here when you need me”. At least then the melodramatic hints that contact is causing her terrible mental distress you wouldn’t want to upset me too much, would you? might stop.

But I do understand it’s easier said than done.

@Moomoola My first reaction reading your update was anger, actually. I can't contextualise your DD in her whole life in the way you can, but right now she's coming across as spectacularly self-centered and even cruel. I know children take their parents for granted, but you are not an inanimate object without feelings. Is there any part of her that is aware of what she's doing to you? Or is she so wrapped up in anger / gaslighting that she thinks you deserve it? What exactly is she punishing you for, or does she think she's punishing you for? It's a fucking nightmare.

I think my reply would be along these lines: "I love you, I'm here for you, I will never ever abandon you. But you are causing me incredible pain, and your father is driving me nuts. For my own sanity, I need a break. So I think it would be best for both of us if you to only contact me when you're fully ready to talk properly." I would be tempted to add: "I'm thinking of my own mother today, and missing her dreadfully. I can't help thinking about the relationship between us without fear. But I am walking on eggshells all the time, I feel constantly judged, and the relentless rejection is too hurtful. I'm here when you need me. I will always be here. Save this message so you remember this when the going gets tough."

I’ve been following your thread and I’m so sorry your dd is still distant.

I think saying something like this is a very good idea for both you and your dd.

I can see you’re desperately trying to connect to your dd but not being heard. And it sounds as though your dd doesn’t feel heard by you either. You cannot control what your dd does. You cannot control the other family either and it doesn’t help to be upset with how they are with her and the tactics they’re using.

You are understandably upset with them. But getting upset and feeling the upset and anger at the family is pushing negativity towards your daughter. Perhaps you don’t even have to say anything for your to feel this as she is so hyper alert to any perceived sleight from you.

Can you maybe turn this around from fighting against to fighting for? Right now, the thing you most want is some kind of connection and relationship with your dd. Maybe that means bringing things back to basics and thinking about what is missing to make the connection.

Your dd definitely doesn’t want criticism or even any comment on her choices. The only thing that leaves under your control is how much unconditional love, care and support you give to her.

Idk if this sort of approach could work: ‘I am missing grandma loads and it got me thinking about how I could be more like grandma and be the mum you need me to be.”

The more you accept your dd, the more likely she is to open up to you. That doesn’t mean total capitulation. Even if your dd is taking T right now, you still have time but if you spend that time fighting her, it sounds as if she will perhaps be more, not less likely to double down.

Why does your husband's ideas of action always involve you dong stuff? He wants action...off he hoes then, be action man and see how helpful and effective that is.
He has his head in the sand about your daughter now being an adult and being able to do what she wants.
I think it's fine to send a reply to your daughter asking her to remember she is the only person having to distance herself from her parents and isolate herself in the relationship and that that doesn't sound very healthy

Honestly OP, your husband sounds controlling, abusive, and like he has you on eggshells and stressed out trying to appease him.

Why would you want your child to return to that environment? The advice on other Mumsnet threads would be for you to leave him, not encouraging your child to return to that environment.

We are all here thinking of Mum today and going to the garden centre to buy something beautiful to plant in her memory, and then out for tea there. Of course, join us if you want.”….. (or something else in memory of your Mum)

I think this is good

Moo, I too lost my mother and it's really tough the first years. Could you reach out to her and tell her you need to support right now because you miss your mum? Your DD sounds empathetic and kind so maybe she'd respond. If anything, it will remind her of her own grief and now that can be shared with loving family members.

While I disagree with what your DH said about your job-essentially he's blaming you for DD's actions, I do think that you need to say something about the dangers of testosterone. Some effects are irreversible and nipping that in the bud is important.

@Moomoola . I think you are mourning 2 people, and what do we know about bereavement? That we need to be kind to ourselves and possibly, if you are a mother who’s always put everyone else first, remind other people to be kind to you too.
You need to be a broken record to your Dh. “ please do not bully me, “and repeat. He’s not listening to you, so it’s pointless to keep going round in the same circles.
It is your decision if you return to work or not, no one else’s, if finance is not the deciding factor. But if you decide not to, maybe it should be to work on your own mental health. And you need to make that clear to everyone.

The suggested text is really not going to help, I think it might actually make her more likely to take testosterone. Maybe you should text everyone in your family and say that please can every one respect your need for time to mourn your dear mother, and consider what will make you happy as your nest empties. And I don’t mean that sarcastically at all., maybe you should thank your daughter for helping you see that it’s ok to put yourself first.
The 4 most helpful and supportive things in my life are my husband, my pets. My garden and swimming. . I love my numerous children, and my friends. But those 4 things keep me sane and happy. @Moomoola what are your foundations, what keeps you sane.? Figure it out and do more with that.
Remember what we said? Drop the rope.

Hello.
I have read all the updates.
My DD is in a relationship with a natal man. We have never met him but we don't like what we hear. I don't push her about his LGBT status but I had warned her regarding testosterone, safe sex and fidelity.
My understanding is that testosterone effects human eggs meaning pregnancy is highly unlikely. I told my DD that few ivf pregnancies are successful and any egg storage has to be paid for if they agree to do it. She soon changed her mind.
I have always asked my DD why she wants to be more male, she can't really give me an answer. She would never pass as male, too small, tiny hands and very gentle. My DC isn't autistic but as you know this is a huge factor in ftm. It is belonging. In answer to your question regarding the year off I gave her my full attention. I gave up drinking (it was my self harm to deal with her issues). I let her just be. She was out of education. She had to tidy for me and walk the dog. Nothing more. I later made sure I worked from home. She finished with the boyfriend at one point however they are back on now but it is a long distance thing. I put no pressure on her and just talked and tried to understand the issues- toilets, prejudice etc. Gender should not matter and if your DD is attracted to girls that's her business and there is something to be said for supporting her if she is gay. I think lesbianism does not get the support that gay men do. They are all fabulous (?). My best friend is gay so we had that conversation early on.
My husband (her father) has never called our DD by her male name. He doesn't engage with it at all. He is not white and thinks if you want to add that to problems you may encounter you carry on mate. He thinks less said the better.
My best advice is keep the conversation going and as she is now 18 she is an adult. If you send her the testosterone NHS warning do not send the huge text. Say dear....., I saw this and I wanted you to be aware. I know you would tell me to bog off but you are my DC and I love you. That's it. Sign it mum. Looking forward to seeing you soon. Ask anything if I can be of help.

Moomola, I am very sorry for what you are going through today on your mother’s birthday, the first without her here. You must feel very sad.

It would not be a good idea to send a letter like that today given how upset you are for so many reasons. Also, the one you were thinking of might possibly make your DD bristle and defend, I think.

Why not just say, “Lovely to hear from you. I do respect your need for more time for yourself. Hope you are OK. Let us know if there is anything you need. We miss you and love you.

We are all here thinking of Mum today and going to the garden centre to buy something beautiful to plant in her memory, and then out for tea there. Of course, join us if you want.”….. (or something else in memory of your Mum)

Moomoola, I thought of you in a slightly random context at work recently. An item of jewellery was handed in and when the owner came to claim it, it was a very emotional young woman. She explained the item had massive sentimental value as it symbolised health and happiness, and her parents had given it to her when she left her home country "to come to the UK to marry a stupid man". She is no longer with the stupid man, and the jewellery reminds her of her parents' love even when she made bad decisions.

Moomoola 🍷🍫 try again? Hope you’ve been able to enjoy some fun stuff this weekend

I am sorry you were deleted. I think there may be some new people doing quite a bit of it.

Oh Moo, I'm sorry you were deleted! It's not okay to censor mothers who need support!!

@TheClogLady my DD had a stage of restrictive eating and binge eating at boarding school. She will hit the cake if upset or stressed. At one point she was trying to shrink her chest which is large but fantastic. I had a frank conversation about the benefit of breast feeding when you are a tired new mum. She is analytical and studying a medical subject so she got it. She still wears a sports bra out but when you have had men learing at you from 10 no wonder she tried to change herself. I am a bolshie big woman too and I know under all her unhappiness (she was attacked and bullied at school) she wanted to be heard.
I took me a year off work to help her. My DS like yours is 23 and just 'whatevers' it.
I have noticed such a difference without a particular set of Yr 10/11 school friends that she no longer sees. That would be 4/5 years ago. Toxic.