Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return

I did read about a father who decided he was “trans”, too: dressed up as female, wore make up and insisted on driving his DD to and from school. She apparently decided she was not trans after all…

@ArabellaScott I'm not suggesting abandoning one's principles and I don't think you are either- an example might be I don't allow drug use in my house, but if my dd ran off with a dodgy drug dealer I would still speak with her, text her and have an open house for her but not let him in the house whilst high for example. I'm not saying any of these are perfect solutions, they are pragmatic and you might get them wrong (I've struggled with what are appropriate boundaries with my teens) but teens do often plunge into what we deem inappropriate lifestyles, with people we don't think have their best interests at heart, I think changing names/referring to the OP's child as male is really quite basic two years in and will mean a lot to them, and allow dialogue to occur. It also allows the OP not to be seen as the oppressor/opposition which is what is currently happening. It must be awful for them to feel rejected at some fundamental level by their parents, however we see it.

Dr Phil is a complete knob, but he did come up with the phrase 'do you want to be right or happy?' I think that's the choice here.

I'd echo much said already. Keep communication open, keep it light keep it friendly. Avoid any touchy subjects. Use their preferred name if you can.
Share jokes/memes that are your 'in jokes' pics of family pets. Let them know home is still welcoming to them at any time.
I might be inclined to contact the police. Not to have them brought home, but to have on record your concerns around coercive control and potentially grooming by the partners Mum. She sounds deeply toxic.
Ultimately though, at 17 they're nearly an adult legally and there's vanishingly little you can do. Good luck.

That's what I said on the original thread! So similar and so much more about what sounds like an awful coercive partner with enabling parents.

@Moomoola I'm so sorry she is still not home. Please keep the door open for her, hard as it is with the gender nonsense hopefully you have time before any action is taken.

Being a 'constant' doesn't mean holding a line which might risk losing your child, there's almost no things I'd be prepared to do that over, and this gender issue, which will fade away in 10 year time isn't worth it IMO>

IDK, self respect also matters? Insisting on some balance and standards of respect in a relationship? Modelling good boundaries? All of this can and does foster a healthy long term relationship, I'd say.

The 'trans' aspects of this are really incidental; it's about how we manage the differential hierarchy that is inevitable (and important) between a parent and a child.

I'm not suggesting being a dick about it - flexibility is healthy - but I'm questioning the need to essentially abandon all of one's principles and submit to 'anything at all' to maintain the relationship.

(FWIW I think most parents would willingly lay down their lives and do almost anything for their children, I'm not convinced that's a fair, healthy, or useful point to work from, though!)

It's terrifying being a parent. Sometimes that seems overwhelming. All the things that could go wrong, and sometimes do go wrong.

But we can't operate out of fear, it skews everything.

Oh, cripes, I'd misread the OP and missed that she is 17. Apologies. That does make a difference legally and emotionally.

I'm so sorry OP. This is a really tough situation.

I agree with PPs that the most important thing is to keep lines of communication open with DD and don't set yourself up as a GC or Terf - it will only drive her further away. Daily comms, keep it light, tell her about fun stuff that's going on at home, tell her how much you love her.

If she's moved out it's reasonable to stop any money you give her - for all you know she could be saving it up to get a mastectomy. Show her love, but don't enable her delusions with money.

In terms of resources - the YouTuber Benjamin Boyce has a number of interviews with detransitioners who were groomed into identifying as male by online or IR abusers. You may find it useful to hear how they were groomed in and what happened to get them out of it - there may be learnings you can apply to the situation.

You may also want to subscribe to the PITT substack - Parents with Inconvenient Truths about Trans. It's a place for parents of children who identify as trans to gain support and to access resources.

No police force is going to come in and take a 17 year old away from where she chooses to live but she has run away and been found, so surely they should do a welfare check? And that means talking to her away from the people who are influencing her, and giving her the chance to return home.

Personally, I would not die on the hill of names and pronouns whatsoever. The most important thing in all these situations, and I've seen lots over the years (many not involving trans, but 16/17 year olds running off with unsuitable drug dealer boyfriends and so on), is to keep the lines of communication going. I have a friend who has trodden this path; she uses her child's preferred name and her child knows she's gender critical, but she's able to communicate and speak to them by respecting their name, it's quite a simple shift and not even all about trans- in Breaking Bad Walt Junior decides to be called Flynn! Two years in, it should be quite easy to remember, people have been changing names in teen years for ages.

I think teens often are seeking something, one of my good friends went all religious at this point and asked us to attend happy clappy churches with her, we just kept our own beliefs, went once and it burned out after a couple of years.

Just ask yourself not what do I believe but how can I keep good lines of communication with my child and an open house so they are always welcome. They do do things we don't like, or are afraid of or we think are silly or dangerous, I still think that keeping the thread of connection is important.

No police force is going to come in and take a 17 year old away from where she chooses to live, if she says she's happy with the partner and the mum. They just aren't and if they did, your child will run back. What would be achieved?

I have fallen out with my dd over trans, I don't discuss it with one of them, the other is GC anyway, but we operate a 'this isn't worth breaking up our family or our friendships over'- half my dd's friends are trans or non-binary (in their heads), we discuss it but our goal in life isn't to convert or impose our beliefs this is silly on them, but to have friends, to live our lives.

Being a 'constant' doesn't mean holding a line which might risk losing your child, there's almost no things I'd be prepared to do that over, and this gender issue, which will fade away in 10 year time isn't worth it IMO>

It's tricky because OP is trying to deal with this other adult who is by the sound of it exerting undue influence, while also trying to deal with her DD. They need very different approaches. The mother sounds like she is not in good faith.

Hm. I'd be very cautious about raising the parental responsibility issue.

The mother is quite likely to use that as evidence that OP doesn't want her DD back. It would be immensely hurtful and could really damage the situation further.

If your child is under eighteen, she is still a child in legal terms , and that means that an adult has to be responsible for her.

The following is from the Government website:

‘If you have parental responsibility, your most important roles are to:

provide a home for the child
protect and maintain the child
You’re also responsible for:

disciplining the child
choosing and providing for the child’s education
agreeing to the child’s medical treatment
naming the child and agreeing to any change of name
looking after the child’s property’

you seem at the moment to be between two stools, you still have parental responsibility, but another set of adults have assumed it, and to no good end. As your daughter is nearly an adult , social services/ police will not force her return, but I think you should try to regularise the situation by writing to the glitter family and stating that you cannot take this responsibility for your DD while she is living under their roof, and asking them to accept formal parental responsibility. That might at least make them realise that in the real world, glitter is not enough.

I do Hope you get your daughter back.

I see your points, selck. But personally I think part of being a dependable presence for my child includes not complying with something that goes against my personal beliefs, especially when that may be something that is harming them.

There is a balance to be struck, between being compassionate, understanding, respectful, and maintaining self respect. If my child were to become a Muslim, I would not recite 'pbuH' after every utterance of 'Mohammed'. It's entirely possible to be respectful of a belief without pretending to share it.

I'm not saying that your son is male and always has been, or that he always will be. But the pronouns and the naming is down to respect. He feels rejected and invalidated every time you call him she/her behind his back. This could be a phase, my situation was unpacked between myself and a therapist and I now present as female again. These things happen and my gender identity crisis was very normal and part of life by today's standards.
My advice is make him feel like you are his cheerleader and that you support him no matter what and he will have the room to experiment in a safe enviroment. Teenagers will always be rebellious in new and challenging ways that we can't predict but it's not worth losing your child over.

I can't offer much in the way of useful advice OP, but much sympathy for what you're going through. Do you have a family pet? I found, during the turbulent teen years, that snapchats featuring the cat doing daft things where always good ways of keeping connected, no matter how bitterly we had disagreed or how great the rift felt. Animals are neutral and often much loved, so a good way of reaching out.

I do wonder what the reaction would be if middle aged mums all announced that they too were trans, changed their names (to uncool old male names like Brian, Trevor and Derek) and started policing pronouns.

Why can't older women be trans too? I mean, just where are all the transitioning middle aged FtM people?

(I realise this is flippant, and don't wish to distract from your stressful situation OP).

While selck is talking rubbish wrt OP's child's sex being 'male', the larger points are worth listening to.

The most important thing is to maintain your relationship with your child. This doesn't equate to agreeing with every mad fucking thing they say, or agreeing to whatever they ask. That's a hostage situation, not a relationship.

I agree to avoid getting into protracted theoretical arguments is pointless, especially with a teen.

They are mature - or appear so- in some ways, but they are still children.

As a parent you are their rock, guide, protector, provider and legal guardian. You can't always stop them from making bad decisions but you can remind them of your presence and constancy.

You might try reading Irreparable Damage by Abigail Shrier. IIRC, it had testimony from parents who had been through similar and, while not advice, some examples of what worked for them.

Absolutely rubbish advice from @selck. Ops child will never be 'male' regardless of how they wish to present. Why are those who say this always fixated on one person only and ignore the damage that is being done to the rest of the family by their child's/sibling behaviour?

You're pushing your son away by misgendering him and dead naming him. I'm not surprised he doesn't want to be around you.
At 16 I went through something very similar to him, however my partner was female. She was abusive and not good for me, but she accepted that I identified as male and therefore was a preferable relationship than the one I had with my mother.
It took many many years but my mother and I are in a good place again now, the girlfriend is long gone.
Accept that your son is male and it is not his partner who is the cause of it.
At 17, it's unlikely that he will be with this person forever, but the damage you are doing to your relationship with him can and will be permanent if you carry on. Think carefully about what kind of future you want with your child, he will carry on without you if you keep it up.

Excellent advice @OhHolyJesus - I like the idea of explaining the seriousness of this mums interference and her responsibilities.

I have seen teens get influenced by other families and drawn away from their own but it seems that trans and accusations of transphobia are the most powerful levers to cause parental alienation ever.

Inviting dd and sometimes partner out for a coffee is a good idea - it gives partner less ammunition to demonise you if you are being friendly to both of them. Keep channels of communication open.

I wish you and your family all the best and I’m sure you will be giving ds lots of hugs as I’m sure he misses dd too.

I think you should call your child by their new name and use the appropriate pronouns. The more you fight this the more s/he will cleave to X and X's mother and being transgender. This is not the time to be parroting about sex not gender (or is it gender not sex). It may be a stage or it may not be but I can see very clearly that your behaviour is not bringing your child back. I think that you have to be just waiting and be willing for them to come home and tell them that. Don't keep saying it either.

I'm wondering if the mother is grooming your DD. I would perhaps call NSPCC for advice on that.

'The relationship a groomer builds can take different forms. This could be:

a romantic relationship

as a mentor

an authority figure

a dominant and persistent figure.'

www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/grooming/

I would send regular friendly, chatty messages making it clear you love her and are thinking of her. Make it easy for her to return home without further drama.

I was thinking just yesterday about an old schoolfriend who got engaged at 16 (to an older boy, he had long hair and was going to be a famour rock star). Obviously that's not who she ended up settling down with. It's very easy to get into an emotionally intense, all-encompassing relationship at that age, and convince yourself that the world is against you and doesn't understand you.