Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return

Glad to see you here @Moomoola xxx sending tea, chocolate, hugs, cake, more chocolate xxx

I think it would be interesting to chat to her lightly about how come she chose her new name, and why that name in particular. And then explain how you chose her name when she was born and how exciting and important it was to name her. So empathising with her about how special it is to choose a name, perhaps this will make her think about what you actually do for her and how important she is to you.

Your DD has been manipulated and encouraged along this path - by whom and why? It might be X, X’s mother or even X’s father (you mentioned a Dad coming to collect her?) or a combination of those three people. The texts DD sent you that you think are written by someone else is very worrying. I’d guess X wrote those texts.

This is a game of chess. You need to predict their next moves, and, importantly, you also need to think how they’ll react to your moves. Remember they’re sitting there waiting for you to say or do something that they can pounce on to use as evidence that you’re transphobic and your DD is better off with them. So, hard as it might be, call your DD by their new name. One weapon less that they can use against you. Be outwardly friendly and accepting. Be nice to X, however you feel about them.

Hopefully, your DD will then realise that she’d be ok back with you. X and her parents won’t like this so they’ll try to push the transphobic angle more, but your DD will begin to question that as you’ll have shown you’re not transphobic. She’ll then start to see X and her parents in a different light. She’ll also have hopefully started to miss you. You’d then have a good chance of her returning home.

Don't announce that you’re going to use DD’s new name or anything. Just try to use it casually and naturally. If you can, meet up with DD for a coffee. Don’t say anything openly about X and her family. Listen, smile, nod along, say a few nice things about X, etc etc. But do tell your DD how much you love her and miss her. Don’t ask her to come home, but tell her family news, etc. The decision to come home has to be hers and she has to feel she made it freely.

Probably avoiding all talk if trans etc is best. Lots if people have given good advice about making her feel loved and wanted.

In regard to keeping a boundary and your own beliefs so you don’t just affirm her,
maybe you could use her name but say you believe so strongly in her inner spirit, that is beyond male or female, that you feel concerned that she seems to be doubting her natural body - which is after all just a strong, well working vehicle for containing her spirit.

Don’t criticise her friend but just say there can be different approaches.

I’m sorry, I haven’t read any replies so I expect someone else had suggested this.
Just based on your first post it sounds as though x’s mother wants to affirm your DD to justify what she has allowed her own DD to do. Like Susie Green.

Regardless of the T issue, I am sure you are doing all you can to ensure that she knows that you love and care about her and will always welcome her home.

Ah just realised I misread, sorry OP

15 is still a child. I'd be contacting the police

This is utterly terrifying. I hate this so much.

Don't let the munchausen mum win.

There's some good advice here, get those lines of communication open and get your daughter back, even if you have to humour the larping.

And as for that disgusting woman, she'll get her karma. They always do.

If it were my daughter I would play along and use the new name, be as accepting as possible. Let them join the list for surgery as it is many many years long.

That was the partner can not possibly come between you. You need to keep communication with your daughter open so that when she comes to her senses she has somewhere to turn.

Discourage hormones for the time being as gently as you can, suggesting she waits until adulthood for health reasons. All the while using the choosen name and pronouns.

Just wait and be as welcoming as possible to the partner. Your daughter needs to be able to access you and know you are there and ready to help as soon as she feels able to back down from this.

I’ve posted in your other thread OP, but the more I think about it, the more I think the role of the other person’s mother is absolutely crucial in all this.

This mother went down a different path to you. Full affirmation, paying for hormones, the lot. She is so so invested in this.

In helping your child rail against you and run away from home, she is - in her own head - showing herself that she made the right choice re. her child. That’s why you’re in a doubly tough situation. This mother is going to enable your child all the way, I think.

Funnily enough I was watching Helen Joyce on Triggernometry and she made this point (parents who transed their kids being the strongest proponents of gender ideology) which really made me think of your situation. The whole thing is worth a watch but the segment in question is at 52 minutes in.

“They’re sterilising gay kids” indeed.

Oh OP 💐

Have you given any further thought to giving up your job/returning to freelancing? If you were to do so, is there any chance your DD has always wanted a dog (or indeed a cat/rabbit/guinea pigs)? Because I’m not saying you should try to manipulate her into coming home by adopting a pet; but you absolutely should do that if there’s any chance it might work. Importantly, pets can do a great job at making houses feel “homey”; & your DS might benefit, too.

The “friend” sounds abusive (hence inverted commas) - I know you’ve been supplied with lots of resources & information; & I hope that you’re able to help your daughter break away soon.

Look after yourself

I don't have any advice @Moomoola but you (and dd) have my sympathy and good wishes for what that's worth.

"I don't think you need to express cynicism OP but I wouldn't advise you to just go along with everything."

I must admit to being uncomfortable with people saying 'just go along with it. I remember listening to the detransitioners too and yes, they all said the same. Support but certainly not 'affirming only'.

Unfortunately though, if this other family is doing the cheerleading affirming action, this makes this a very difficult scenario to judge.

I'm echoing @beastlyslumber's thoughts. I feel it is part of our experience as humans to look for wisdom to our elders. How many of us have had important relationships with grandparents who older people who have lived in different time periods with different contexts. Parents/grandparents need to hold a line for what they understand to be truth. This is wisdom. I wouldn't insist on calling her she and I would use the new name, but I would not relinquish my own understanding of reality. My feeling is that she may find that more valuable in the longer term.

All the advice for staying close, connected, messages of pets etc, family jokes and silliness I think are great ideas and ways to keep her route to her family clear.

It could be temporary, or it might be that this is who they are forever and continue to pursue their male gender identity. Either way, nothing is gained by you expressing cynicism, criticism or doubt about what they're expressing.

I think this is wrong. Detransitioners often talk about the people in their life who held the line and didn't go along with the idea that they were opposite sex. They say how important it was to have at least one person who hadn't bought in.

I don't think you need to express cynicism OP but I wouldn't advise you to just go along with everything. You can have questions and concerns, and raise these if there's an opportunity to do so in a gentle way. I would use their chosen name but otherwise don't go along with the gender nonsense. It's much harder for children to come back from this if they feel that everyone has pushed them along the path and will be disappointed in them not having hormones, surgeries etc.

I'd arrange to meet her on neutral ground for a coffee, and give her a copy of 'I'm OK, You're OK' by Thomas Harris.
Be the stable, approachable parent to contrast with the drama and pressure.

www.amazon.com/Im-OK-Youre-OK-Thomas-Harris/dp/0060724277

Oh it's such an insidious ideology.

Teens will rebel whatever their parents think so I tend to think that, as others have said, you need to keep her close or risk losing her by pushing her further away.

This has the added factor of her being able to cry bigot if you don't go along with her wishes.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/freedom-mind/202104/the-definitive-guide-helping-people-trapped-in-cult

Another one suggesting "pick your battles". I'd go for maintaining a loving supportive relationship and avoiding ideological arguments as far as is possible. Reminding her that you're on her side & that she's always welcome at home.
If it feels right maybe invite her to meet you for a coffee somewhere (neutral space) just to keep in touch? Keep it short, positive, check in on her, is there anything she needs & avoid recriminations etc? Aim to make it a regular occurrence if she reacts positively?
Such a difficult situation.

I would speak to the school and check they are aware and can follow through on any safeguarding concerns that may occur. They need to kn ow she is no longer living with you. Do they still communicate with you? Bloody heartbreaking. I have similar though not gone this far. We both tread around the issue.

There are going to be very strong opinions on different sides of this, OP, but this is about you and your child.

I feel the best thing you can do is to unconditionally embrace the changes your child is wishing to make. They want to be known as he? That's what you do. They want you to use a different name? That's what you do.

I'm not suggesting you suppress your own feelings, but deal with them with a therapist and/or friends, your husband, and with your child focus only on supporting them as they go through this.

It could be temporary, or it might be that this is who they are forever and continue to pursue their male gender identity. Either way, nothing is gained by you expressing cynicism, criticism or doubt about what they're expressing.

The theories and opinions on gender and sex don't matter right now. Focus on how your child is feeling, and make sure you genuinely, authentically accept them and what they say and do with open arms. Make home a safe space again, and allow them to talk about anything and everything with you. Really dig deep and try to remove cynicism and doubt from your conversations and approach with them; they'll be able to tell.

Just love your child. That's what will matter in the future (and now); that you showed unconditional and active love and support.

I don’t have any experience in this op. My concern would be that this mum may be giving your dd hormones. I think it would be good to find a way of letting the mum know that you have PR and as the legal parent, you do not authorise her to furnish them to your child. This would be part of a wider conversation. I also think that you should call your dd by her chosen name to avoid further alienation. I’m sorry that’s so tough.