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Original poster

Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return

990 replies

Moomoola · 11/01/2023 08:15

Hi, I was posting in the teens section and got some good ad vice and a suggestion that I post here.
here’s a link to that thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4699011-sil-cancelled-visit-as-our-dd-wants-to-be-a-man?page=1
im using ‘dd’and ‘she’ to keep things simple.
basically dd at 15 decided she was trans and I took her to get some boys clothes and didn’t pay it enough attention. To my naive mind it’s not (or wasn’t ) an issue.
Shes now 17 and started to date a girl ( x) who is 17, who’s parents paid for male hormones since 15. That was some concern as obv. X will have been through a lot. Dd mentioned that x has some mental struggles, the mum hides vodka. Dd is pretty naive, has had a few challenges and can be gullible.
in the last 3 months dd was clearly struggling.
just befor Xmas I made her a cuppa and she had vanished. We tracked her down to x house which she refused to leave. It was ibvioly coordinated as there was a lot of phone alerts and the dad had obviously come to collect her.
I asked the mum to send her back as it was Xmas day and we were concerned. I get a text back from dd saying the mum doesn’t want to be involved and why did I deadname her.
The mum obviously didn’t need to show the text to dd. There are other red flags that the mum is stirring. We got texts from dd saying we are abusive transphobes. If we try and talk rationally that’s conversion therapy. We are concerned that dd is being encouraged to write these. The grammar is sometimes too good to be dds. Any ‘friendly’ texts seem to be late at night. Though I may be overthinking that.
live managed to see dd twice so at least we are talking, but it’s as if dd is hardening herself from us. She has decided to live with x and her mum and is in love and considering top surgery as she has dysmorphia. At least she is still going to school.
we registered it with the police who said this is happening a lot and it’s a pattern.
we are not concerned about the trans thing as such, though obviously that’s part of it, we are very concerned that since dating x, a seemingly happy dd got increasingly depressed and convinced we were transphobic to the point that she had to run to xs house where she feels supported, and we feel she is being love bombed, isolated from us and coerced into thinking she also needs hormones etc.
we are getting nowhere. I seem to be living in a dystopian world where everyone has fake smiles and suggests we call her by her new name and everything will be marvellous.
live contacted Bayswater group, and I’m posting here as suggested by a pp in case anyone can suggest anything else I can do. For dd but also Dh and ds. Dh obviously distraught the more he reads and ds is spending more and more time alone on his phone.
Many thanks.

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beastlyslumber · 15/01/2023 09:12

Well she'll have to talk to you if she wants money for a trip, so that might be a good thing. But I wouldn't hold it over her - she'll resent it and it will drive her closer to x and psycho mum.

Original poster
Moomoola · 15/01/2023 09:09

Thank you pscratchedbymycat
I appreciate it.
that’s probably half the problem, we are a bit brassic and just working hard, so holidays and adventures are fairly non existent and dd obviously has the adventure bug.

you have just reminded me that the pair of them booked to go to fly to a big town for a concert at half term. I even encouraged it !
she will, I guess, need money for that. Which I won’t be paying.

dd will need her passport. Do I give it to her? Or do I say you should have thought of that before you legged it.
obv have to give it to her but really don’t want to. Makes me nervous.

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beastlyslumber · 15/01/2023 09:01

I think you would benefit from some counselling OP, if you can find someone who won't gaslight you.

I would also give yourself permission to switch off once in a while. Maybe have a family games night once a week where the rule is you have to have a laugh and no talking about serious subjects. Everyone needs a break xx

Coolheadedbird · 15/01/2023 08:56

Try as much as you can to separate narcissistic abuse from trans issues despite the mashing them together.

Coercion is a criminal offence. It’s domestic abuse. I understand that’s truly where your concern is. Make it explicitly clear every time.

Original poster
Moomoola · 15/01/2023 08:55

And x has decided she’s male enough so is reducing the hormone intake.

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scratchedbymycat · 15/01/2023 08:54

I've just read this whole thread. My heart goes out to you - you're living my worst nightmare. As I was reading I was wondering what I'd do? I think the advice of playing it cool - strategically - is wise. Also being respectful of pronouns and names.

I think I would assume my DD isn't happy - and it sounds like x has a part to play in this. So I'd try to passively - not too much otherwise it looks obvious - remind them of home and the love they have there.

E.g - get a bunch of folk around to yous that they like, then post happy smiling photos from in the garden on Facebook. Photos of a meal you've prepared, the family pets (I'm not sure my DD could leave her cat). Photos of anything hilarious. All on Facebook to drip-feed love. My gut is she'll feel lonely for you - my dd would be. Back this up with regular invitations to meet - include x if need be - and bright cheerful chat about what you've been doing. This to make sure she knows she's not being excluded from it all and can always come back - she has the choice.

I think I'd plan a holiday somewhere. One that involved booking flights, if you can afford it (I can't). Then ask her if she'd like to come. Tell her you need to book. If she doesn't come, photos again plus messages that you're missing her and wish she was there.

I think this would pull on my DDs heart strings massively and contrast what she has with x with what she's turning her back in. But these are just thoughts I had while reading ... others more wise might see the flaws in this instantly.

Above all - I wish there was something comforting I could say to ease your worry. You and your husband must be going through total hell. I'm so sorry.

Original poster
Moomoola · 15/01/2023 08:52

Thanks pear picking just cross posted.
ao nice to hear a voice of sanity! I think that’s what is happening too.
you have put it very succinctly which I will use. I am not getting across to the school/ anyone that this could happen. I’m blithely told it’s takes years on the nhs and there’s lots of counselling. Even dd told me this ( with the caveat that she doesn’t think there should be waiting lists ffs.)

it is following the script in the Abigail Shriner book, irreversible damage.
I think that’s exactly what’s happening. I doubt my sanity though as according to every helpline etc I’ve phoned it’s all our fault as we didn’t call her the right name. If we just do that we’ll be golden.

no one can see that it seemed to get a lot more intense when she met x.
no one can seem to see she has deeper issues than a glittery layer of trans.
No one can see what you so succinctly pointed out.
no one will work with me because she’s 17 so I have no idea what the counselling she’s getting is all about, apart from it’s an lgbt counselor.
im reassured by someone who works with the counsellor that they listen, don’t suggest. But obviously there are ways of listening.

she hasn’t taken any clothes and just has thin plimsoles. I’m hoping she has to buy shoes first. Hormones are ridiculously cheap.

thanks for all your posts, I would be going bonkers without them.🧁

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Original poster
Moomoola · 15/01/2023 08:30

Anyone got any advice for me? I wake up every morning with a hole in my heart. I’m being jolly and being there for ds. He changes the subject if I mention dd.
Dh is a big ball of anxiety.and keeps telling me we have to be more active. It’s exhausting and I don’t know how. Dh has masses of work on and is stressed out.
Of course he makes excuses re seeing docs or counselling.
I feel like I’m a bit of sellotape holding a rapidly crumbling parcel together!

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PearPickingPorky · 15/01/2023 08:22

Misery loves company, OP. This girl/boyfriend of DDs is obviously going to be depressed given the testosterone and the realisation that it hasn't actually turned her into a boy, just a damaged girl. The girl will probably find comfort in having that shared journey wiith your DD too, so I think your DD will be coming under pressure to start testosterone or even to 'try' some of her girlfriend's. The mother will want this too, to support her own terrible decision to harm her daughter's health.

I'd be worried that's the aim with her new job - to buy hormones.

BornBlonde · 14/01/2023 23:27

beastlyslumber · 13/01/2023 09:18

I think you're right that any attempt to drive a wedge between them will rebound on you. Your daughter would maybe feel you're trying to hurt her or embarrass her by revealing things she's said about the mum.

Instead, maybe ask your DD if there's stuff she needs. If she isn't getting what she needs/prefers then maybe reminding her that you are still wanting to meet her needs is no bad thing. If you know where she's working then maybe dropping by with a comfort parcel? Or getting her sister to drop it in for her so it's not too confronting?

Good advice from @beastlyslumber

Original poster
Moomoola · 14/01/2023 22:37

Also nitronine we are now looking for a cat, who knew they were so hard to find! And the Helen Joyce video is ace. Thanks everyone.
need to read your links to keep sane, on the one hand, lovely! Dd has a partner! On the other we found out dds depression and isolation started shortly after she met x. Definitely drip feeding going on. The school is crap. Everyone is throwing mermaids and stonewall at me. Wtaf.

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Original poster
Moomoola · 14/01/2023 22:32

Thank you! beastly and I cake
grahma linehan is amazing. Thanks for the link. I need part two! I will read up on cults.
Thanks nitronine I think you are right.

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NitroNine · 14/01/2023 14:16

I’d not text the mother OP, particularly not anything antagonistic - it’ll get turned back on you. Even if your DD sees & understands your messages as being expressions of love & concern, she will be told you are interfering. That you are trying to control her. You are a transphobe who wishes to hurt her. She will be pressured into sending you messages designed to hurt you; & her confused & conflicted wee soul will only be damaged more by that, because at this point she’s not actually been fully alienated from you by that pair of monsters.

Look after yourself.

IcakethereforeIam · 13/01/2023 18:27

OP I'd just come here to post a link, but beastlyslumber beat me to it. This article is just setting out the parent's stall, so keep watch out for part 2.

beastlyslumber · 13/01/2023 16:52

I don't know if this will be helpful, OP, but I hope it gives you some ideas!

grahamlinehan.substack.com/p/how-to-deprogram-a-rogd-teen-part?publication_id=67309&post_id=96473980&triggerShare=true&isFreemail=true

beastlyslumber · 13/01/2023 09:18

I think you're right that any attempt to drive a wedge between them will rebound on you. Your daughter would maybe feel you're trying to hurt her or embarrass her by revealing things she's said about the mum.

Instead, maybe ask your DD if there's stuff she needs. If she isn't getting what she needs/prefers then maybe reminding her that you are still wanting to meet her needs is no bad thing. If you know where she's working then maybe dropping by with a comfort parcel? Or getting her sister to drop it in for her so it's not too confronting?

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/01/2023 07:34

My 14 yo dd is also like that on late night contact op. Being a people pleaser is hard. I think you can discuss logistics with the mum, your dd is not autonomous and needs money for things. Contacting her and using your DD’s choice of name could ‘prove’ you’re not ‘transphobic’. Maybe the mum will open up? I don’t think I’d be antagonistic atm but also don’t need to be full on affirmation. No prior experience of this btw and maybe I’m not correct. I’d try to find a middle ground if it will help you and your dd.

my iPad is fubar wording a bit odd btw.

Original poster
Moomoola · 13/01/2023 07:15

thanks all. Sorry you had to go through that zebracat Thank you for your hard won tips! I’m tempted to just leave her be as suggested with encouraging texts re job etc.
Should I be calling the mum? In a normal situation I assume we’d have chats about dd. This mum said she doesn’t want to be involved. Dh says I should be driving a wedge by being annoying and asking about dds welfare. - is she getting lunch, what about shoes etc. And mention the x told dd who told me how much mum drinks and hides bottles.
he says it will drive a wedge, I think any irritation would be directed at me.
just feel I haven’t been active enough.
but you are right I guess the glitter has to fade and dd needs to make the choice. My worry is that she can’t. She was obviously heavily persueded to go. And has boundary issues - she had trouble telling a friend not to call late at night as ‘it means you don’t like me’

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Zebracat · 12/01/2023 23:18

I wouldn’t pick my battles, if that means accepting things you believe are harmful. When I found myself in this situation I spent a long dark night figuring out that I had to be accountable to my child as they were now, and in the future . And I could imagine them saying “ I was a child , you should have protected me.” I was not going to agree to anything harmful. I was not going to be abused for transphobia, and I wasn’t going to pretend I wasn’t deeply cynical about all of it. I did go to they and them pronouns. I decided that if I lost my child , so be it, better that than allow self mutilation while feeling sick at heart. Weirdly it all then just stopped.
The lover and her mother sound like drama llamas, they will be enjoying this. Take the thrill out. Saving a poor little transboi from a transphobic parent is 1 thing. Having another stroppy teen in your house especially if they fall out with your kid, and they will Is quite another. I would retire gracefully. “I love you and I respect your wishes. As we can’t agree that you are male, you may be right to have moved out. My door is open”. Do not offer financial support, do not allow them to abuse you. Wait and see.

applesandpears33 · 12/01/2023 22:25

@Notallislost I saw an update about a year ago. From memory I think the relationship with the girlfriend had broken down and the son had returned home. The relationships with his mum, dad and sibling seemed to have improved a lot. I tried the find the thread the other day but didn't have any luck.

Notallislost · 12/01/2023 22:14

@applesandpears33 I frequently think about that thread and wondered how it all turned out now. Wish she would come back with an update! I can't remember the poster or find the thread now but OP there was a lot going on there and may be of some help how to deal with this.

KatMcBundleFace · 12/01/2023 21:56

My heart is breaking for you op.

This is grooming and there's a special place in hell for that bitch mother.

Congratulate your DD on her new job, and keep on plucking away, in between sending her family updates.

A job might be really good for her.

Hugs

Original poster
Moomoola · 12/01/2023 21:42

Tanith · 11/01/2023 11:42

I did read about a father who decided he was “trans”, too: dressed up as female, wore make up and insisted on driving his DD to and from school. She apparently decided she was not trans after all…

Show quote history

This too, thanks tanith ! Dh and his mate said they would dress up as women and hang outside the house. Cousin said ,’ I’ll show her how to be a proper man, we’ll stick a pillow up her jumper to give her a beer belly then we’ll go to a match, ogle all the ladies, smoke tabs, drink beer and get in a fight, phooawrr!’
I think my new name is Alan. I shall wear slacks and a comb over.
thank goodness it’s bed time!

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Original poster
Moomoola · 12/01/2023 21:35

Beowulfa · 11/01/2023 10:32

I do wonder what the reaction would be if middle aged mums all announced that they too were trans, changed their names (to uncool old male names like Brian, Trevor and Derek) and started policing pronouns.

Why can't older women be trans too? I mean, just where are all the transitioning middle aged FtM people?

(I realise this is flippant, and don't wish to distract from your stressful situation OP).

Oh this made me and Dh laugh, thank you!

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Original poster
Moomoola · 12/01/2023 21:34

I meant to say thanks, good advice. Can I blow up the mums house?

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