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Original poster

Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return

990 replies

Moomoola · 11/01/2023 08:15

Hi, I was posting in the teens section and got some good ad vice and a suggestion that I post here.
here’s a link to that thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4699011-sil-cancelled-visit-as-our-dd-wants-to-be-a-man?page=1
im using ‘dd’and ‘she’ to keep things simple.
basically dd at 15 decided she was trans and I took her to get some boys clothes and didn’t pay it enough attention. To my naive mind it’s not (or wasn’t ) an issue.
Shes now 17 and started to date a girl ( x) who is 17, who’s parents paid for male hormones since 15. That was some concern as obv. X will have been through a lot. Dd mentioned that x has some mental struggles, the mum hides vodka. Dd is pretty naive, has had a few challenges and can be gullible.
in the last 3 months dd was clearly struggling.
just befor Xmas I made her a cuppa and she had vanished. We tracked her down to x house which she refused to leave. It was ibvioly coordinated as there was a lot of phone alerts and the dad had obviously come to collect her.
I asked the mum to send her back as it was Xmas day and we were concerned. I get a text back from dd saying the mum doesn’t want to be involved and why did I deadname her.
The mum obviously didn’t need to show the text to dd. There are other red flags that the mum is stirring. We got texts from dd saying we are abusive transphobes. If we try and talk rationally that’s conversion therapy. We are concerned that dd is being encouraged to write these. The grammar is sometimes too good to be dds. Any ‘friendly’ texts seem to be late at night. Though I may be overthinking that.
live managed to see dd twice so at least we are talking, but it’s as if dd is hardening herself from us. She has decided to live with x and her mum and is in love and considering top surgery as she has dysmorphia. At least she is still going to school.
we registered it with the police who said this is happening a lot and it’s a pattern.
we are not concerned about the trans thing as such, though obviously that’s part of it, we are very concerned that since dating x, a seemingly happy dd got increasingly depressed and convinced we were transphobic to the point that she had to run to xs house where she feels supported, and we feel she is being love bombed, isolated from us and coerced into thinking she also needs hormones etc.
we are getting nowhere. I seem to be living in a dystopian world where everyone has fake smiles and suggests we call her by her new name and everything will be marvellous.
live contacted Bayswater group, and I’m posting here as suggested by a pp in case anyone can suggest anything else I can do. For dd but also Dh and ds. Dh obviously distraught the more he reads and ds is spending more and more time alone on his phone.
Many thanks.

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WandaWomblesaurus · 18/01/2023 20:59

@Moomoola how are you holding up?x

ScrollingLeaves · 18/01/2023 15:00

ArabellaScott · Today 12:23
OP, wondering if this might be of use: drgabormate.com/book/hold-on-to-your-kids

That is such a wonderful book.

DodoPatrol · 18/01/2023 12:33

I had cancer when they were in primary school and Dh struggled to keep it all going. Dd only once talked about it and said it was hard because they’d see me getting whisked off in an ambulance

Massive sympathies. The teenage transboys we know well have all (bar one that I'm not so sure of), transitioned after a serious parental illness. The other one has ASD (as do some of the first group), and a serious injury as a toddler, so hardly a life free of trauma.

Incidentally, 'all' now means five teenagers on our not very long Christmas card list. Our friends are running out of daughters.

Someone, somewhere, needs permission and a socking great research grant to look at the common factors here.

ArabellaScott · 18/01/2023 12:23

OP, wondering if this might be of use: drgabormate.com/book/hold-on-to-your-kids/

Useruser1 · 18/01/2023 09:25

You've had a lot of good advice, well done for being a good mum. Best of luck

beastlyslumber · 18/01/2023 09:17

So sorry your family is going through this, OP. I know you're not alone, but it must feel like it at times. I hope you can find your way through this and keep your daughter safe.

Original poster
Moomoola · 18/01/2023 08:05

Thanks to everyone who linked me to this.
I had NO IDEA this is what I’m fighting against, I feel so stupid and naive!
am handing in notice today. It looks like this is my new job.

I’m absolutely terrified as I think this is exact what’s happening.
worse in that dd is living with x and her mum, and x now goes to dds school.
so there is no time she is away from x.

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Original poster
Moomoola · 17/01/2023 08:36

I think you are right here as well bearing when you say in my experience girls do tend to internalize and blame themselves when they struggle
thank you so much for your help. And to everyone else.

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Original poster
Moomoola · 17/01/2023 08:30

Thank you everyone.
bearing falsewitmpness I’m so sorry you had to got through that. I will certainly take your advice, a regular walk and breakfast sounds wonderful, if I can get her to come.
you’ve also thrown some light on our situation, I had cancer when they were in primary school and Dh struggled to keep it all going. Dd only once talked about it and said it was hard because they’d see me getting whisked off in an ambulance and not know when I’d return.
Dh was then seriously I’ll. And it was my turn to keep it all together! It’s the fear of the operation etc but also the depression that follows any life threatening illness. We have wonderful friends who helped, but gosh dd and ds has been through an awful lot.

I also just learnt you can book into a gender clinic online. Didn’t know! Or how ridiculously easy and cheap it is.

well done uk government for stopping sturgeons insane bill.

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BezMills · 17/01/2023 01:37

I saw the same happen to a good friend after uni. His mother died in the final year of high school and he went off the rails after university. His psychologist thought it was him finally processing his grief for his mum.

ScrollingLeaves · 16/01/2023 22:34

How very difficult for you, her and your family. I hope you are well now 💐

BearingFalseWitness · 16/01/2023 22:19

I should mention she was 17 when I was diagnosed so got through the last couple of years of high school with all that going on. Yet it’s only seemed to hit her extra hard years later. Maybe with time and space she feels safe enough to let it all come out, and in my experience girls do tend to internalize and blame themselves when they struggle.

ScrollingLeaves · 16/01/2023 21:45

BezMills · Today 20:39
I think that's a really thoughtful post @BearingFalseWitness

So do I, and what you say is so wise.

Original poster
Moomoola · 16/01/2023 21:35

I agree with bezmills thank you bearingfalsewitness waht a wonderful, heartening post. I’m so sorry you and your family went through cancer. It’s certainly not all pink ribbons and marathons!
if it’s ok I will mull over your kind words and reply tomorrow after a nights sleep.
thank you very much indeed. All my best x

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BezMills · 16/01/2023 20:39

I think that's a really thoughtful post @BearingFalseWitness

BearingFalseWitness · 16/01/2023 20:07

** just read your update and it sounds like you are literally trying to do that presently!

BearingFalseWitness · 16/01/2023 20:05

@Moomoola my heart goes out to you. I haven’t experienced anything similar to this but my family did go through a lot of trauma in recent years (I had cancer) and my eldest dd at 22 has recently experienced a lot of anxiety and depression, especially around the feeling that she didn’t have enough parenting for a while when I was very sick and my DH was very overwhelmed, working, caring for me and 3 kids. She is at Uni 30 minutes away, she told me how she was feeling when I took her out for breakfast one day (I am in the USA). I told her that I feel mood disorders need a multi pronged approach and that (possibly) meds & talk therapy are v important but so is diet, exercise, sleep, having hobbies and interest and reconnecting to friends and family.

She has been on anti anxiety meds and found daily hot yoga a fantastic help, she also has a loving family and friends and she is doing a lot better.

What I mainly wanted to mention though was that we found space in both our schedules and every Wednesday morning I drive over with our dog and we go on a long walk together (often stopping for a takeout breakfast on the way). We have always had a good relationship but this has really helped us to just have one-on-one time and enjoy each other’s company. Being IRL, offline with no phones is also a plus.

So I was wondering if you can find a way to just be together the two of you in a similar simple way, and not talk about anything to do with her gender identity etc. Just be together and enjoy each other’s company. A lot of the time actions speak louder than words and making time to be with her and just literally walking alongside her is a powerful healing/bonding mechanism. It may have no impact on the decisions she makes but in months or years to come she may think about the fact you were always there no matter what and that you clearly do love her (even if she is telling herself different right now).

So much of this capture of girls seems to be with their insecurity, loneliness, confusion and anger, whether it’s to do with puberty, mood disorders, autism, social pressure, chronic online persuasion or whatever.

As hard as I’m sure it is, if you can just take the pressure off and absolutely refuse to touch the subject when you are together, hopefully your motherly love and relationship will prevent her from being able to convince herself that you are an unfeeling monster.

Are you able to ever spend time alone together?

Original poster
Moomoola · 16/01/2023 19:11

Thank you.
good point tattygirl
im trying to watch the video coolheaded finding it difficult! Will have another go.
wondering what we did that is so bad she (and possibly bf/ gf ( I’ve invited both) ) is umming and ahhing about going for a coffee with me. I said it would be lovely to chat with you, and them as they are important to you. I also mean it. I am delighted she’s met someone, just less delighted that she’s run off and is being ( I think) encouraged to have surgery. She’s certainly not being discouraged.
not at all sure dd is happy. Not at all sure she will be able to say to partner,’I’m meeting my mum’ last time I met dd she was worried ‘because partner thought you’d be cross’ err? Red flag right there. I’m known as the last person to get cross. Dd knows this.9or I thought she did.
she says she’s doing this for herself. I want to ask are you sure about that? I also want to say,’ but it’s not just you. It’s your family, your grampnparents who are so worried, and all of us who will always love you’
i did say,’ that’s cool but there might be easier ways. Dh exhausted and in bed at 7 Watching a film.
thanks everyone.

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tattygrl · 16/01/2023 13:20

Moomoola · 15/01/2023 09:09

Thank you pscratchedbymycat
I appreciate it.
that’s probably half the problem, we are a bit brassic and just working hard, so holidays and adventures are fairly non existent and dd obviously has the adventure bug.

you have just reminded me that the pair of them booked to go to fly to a big town for a concert at half term. I even encouraged it !
she will, I guess, need money for that. Which I won’t be paying.

dd will need her passport. Do I give it to her? Or do I say you should have thought of that before you legged it.
obv have to give it to her but really don’t want to. Makes me nervous.

I think you need a mindset shift here. Don't even consider doing things for the reason "you should have thought of that before you legged it". Yes, it could be argued that's a fair statement, but is it going to help repair your relationship with your child? No. Really think about what you want your approach and end goal to be here.

Coolheadedbird · 15/01/2023 13:44

Keep lines of communication open watch this video to see how you should never give up www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p0700912/abused-by-my-girlfriend

beastlyslumber · 15/01/2023 12:10

Ask your DH to put some boundaries around "chewing" time. A cut off point in the evening, maybe. Everyone would benefit from some down time and problems like this can't be resolved by one person alone. You all need to find patience and treat it as a marathon rather than a sprint. Ask your DH to chew on other problems, such as, how can we make things more fun for DS? And, what can we do to stay close as a family when we are missing DD? Some kind of self/peer counselling can be good, e.g. you take turns for both of you to talk for 10 minutes. When one person is talking, the other person isn't allowed to say anything. When the time's up, the listener tries to summarise what they've heard WITHOUT trying to fix or change anything. Then swap over. It can be a good way of supporting one another, if you do it right.

Coolheadedbird · 15/01/2023 09:21

Keep a line of communication open

Original poster
Moomoola · 15/01/2023 09:16

Thanks beastly good point.
we are getting minimum texts, so that’s good.

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Original poster
Moomoola · 15/01/2023 09:14

Thanks beastly and coolheaded I will keep the two much more separated. i try but I’m not getting it across so I need to be firmer.
I think people don’t want to hear coercion they want to tell me ‘young love, 17 and be accepting’
I agree we need some fun, especially ds. Dh is beginning to do my head in. He chews on a problem over and over, which is what makes him good at his job, but it’s fairly exhausting at home.
thank you so much

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