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Original poster

Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return

990 replies

Moomoola · 11/01/2023 08:15

Hi, I was posting in the teens section and got some good ad vice and a suggestion that I post here.
here’s a link to that thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4699011-sil-cancelled-visit-as-our-dd-wants-to-be-a-man?page=1
im using ‘dd’and ‘she’ to keep things simple.
basically dd at 15 decided she was trans and I took her to get some boys clothes and didn’t pay it enough attention. To my naive mind it’s not (or wasn’t ) an issue.
Shes now 17 and started to date a girl ( x) who is 17, who’s parents paid for male hormones since 15. That was some concern as obv. X will have been through a lot. Dd mentioned that x has some mental struggles, the mum hides vodka. Dd is pretty naive, has had a few challenges and can be gullible.
in the last 3 months dd was clearly struggling.
just befor Xmas I made her a cuppa and she had vanished. We tracked her down to x house which she refused to leave. It was ibvioly coordinated as there was a lot of phone alerts and the dad had obviously come to collect her.
I asked the mum to send her back as it was Xmas day and we were concerned. I get a text back from dd saying the mum doesn’t want to be involved and why did I deadname her.
The mum obviously didn’t need to show the text to dd. There are other red flags that the mum is stirring. We got texts from dd saying we are abusive transphobes. If we try and talk rationally that’s conversion therapy. We are concerned that dd is being encouraged to write these. The grammar is sometimes too good to be dds. Any ‘friendly’ texts seem to be late at night. Though I may be overthinking that.
live managed to see dd twice so at least we are talking, but it’s as if dd is hardening herself from us. She has decided to live with x and her mum and is in love and considering top surgery as she has dysmorphia. At least she is still going to school.
we registered it with the police who said this is happening a lot and it’s a pattern.
we are not concerned about the trans thing as such, though obviously that’s part of it, we are very concerned that since dating x, a seemingly happy dd got increasingly depressed and convinced we were transphobic to the point that she had to run to xs house where she feels supported, and we feel she is being love bombed, isolated from us and coerced into thinking she also needs hormones etc.
we are getting nowhere. I seem to be living in a dystopian world where everyone has fake smiles and suggests we call her by her new name and everything will be marvellous.
live contacted Bayswater group, and I’m posting here as suggested by a pp in case anyone can suggest anything else I can do. For dd but also Dh and ds. Dh obviously distraught the more he reads and ds is spending more and more time alone on his phone.
Many thanks.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
38
RinklyRomaine · 24/01/2023 08:50

I really feel for you. So hard when you want to shake her into sense. I'd agree with your DH on the email. Don't give X any ammo. Tell her she will always have space to be safe when she asks for it, that's what home means. Remind her of the things she's always loved. Little tiny things X will know nothing of, all with love, all reminding her in teeny ways that YOU have always been there and always will, happy, sad, naughty or whatever. I suspect she will run out of value to X at some point soon and then it will come crashing down, at which point you need to be where she runs to.

PauliString · 24/01/2023 08:15

Do NOT leave a job you like and lose part of your own identity in the process. Your husband is panicking, but does he realize what a bad example it would be for you to give up part of your life and isolate yourself on your partner’s say-so? Given that’s what your daughter has done?

Original poster
Moomoola · 24/01/2023 08:04

Everyone is. They say she is nearly 18 and old enough to do what she wants, or they have been stonewalled/ mermaided.
im reading up on cults as a lovely pp suggested. The similarities to the trans thing and what’s happening to dd are astonishing. Cults are horrendous, they work an attacking your core identity so that’s a LOT of work to recover, if you can see clearly enough to leave. And are brave enough.
I’m so bl**dy naive.

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ChungusBoi · 24/01/2023 07:52

I have nothing constructive to add but I am sorry you are going through this. What a nightmare. Can’t believe the school are being so useless.

Original poster
Moomoola · 24/01/2023 07:25

Thanks rinkly your poor nephew.
I’ll keep doing that, and calling it home.
was wondering whether to write a longer email that might not get seen by x.
Dh says it will just give her more to analyse and use against us.
yes, she really is being groomed relentlessly.
I’ll send a text of love when I think she might be alone.
even if she wanted to leave she wouldn’t have the courage to disappoint x or cause a scene.
thanks. So nice to not feel alone.

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Original poster
Moomoola · 24/01/2023 07:20

Thanks bez it’s hard for him, he is used to taking action as you say.
Thanks for the thought, I am getting confused as to what’s best. Re reading this thread is helping keep me sane.
can’t thank you all enough.💐

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RinklyRomaine · 24/01/2023 07:20

She is being groomed and coached within an inch of her life, isn't she? Take heart that she is occasionally warming and reaching out, keep repeating your love and support, that all you want is for her to be happy and that caring isn't judgement. Tell her whatever happens she can come home, and keep calling it home.

Fwiw a nephew of mine ended up in a similar style of relationship (nothing gender related) and it was an awful 3 years. The girl was unstable, cruel and abusive, absolutely enabled by useless parents, and a master manipulator playing on his good qualities with a faux vulnerability. His poor mum thought they'd lost him when the girlfriend repeatedly cheated on him and dumped him out of nowhere and he woke up. Keep hope.

BezMills · 24/01/2023 07:15

@Moomoola it must be so difficult. DH's suggestion is not one I recommend, but I see where he's coming from for sure. He wants to take action and make things happen. I just don't know what to say, but yes to keeping up with work. You need whatever structure, routine, self-care etc you can get to keep yourself going in such a difficult time.🌹

Original poster
Moomoola · 24/01/2023 07:15

Thanks frotthie that means a lot.
we talked to someone at the school who will have a quiet word.
shes told me to give her space so I’ve not replied since Saturday.
pits so hard. We thought we were getting somewhere on Friday when Dh had a good chat and she’d agreed to go for sushi.
now we are told to give her space and we are not giving her space and when she sees us she feels horrible and anxious like at Xmas.
dont f ing sneak off the day before then!
I guess I don’t text for a while and hopefully something will happen.
social worker friend said in her experience these things don’t last as it’s all so unstable.
her friend said she was with dd a while back when dd was getting texts off x saying she couldn’t take it, she wanted to spilt. Unfortunately we don’t know what it was she couldn’t take. Maybe it was dd still being in contact with us.
sorry. Been a long night!

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frotthle · 24/01/2023 07:07

I’ve just read the thread, massive sympathies this must be so hard.

I think you’ll have to play the long game here.

Original poster
Moomoola · 24/01/2023 06:44

It’s a nice job working with people. They’ve offered to let me cut my hours for a bit. I could stay home and freelance but I do like the structure. it would be three days. I can freelance/ decorate on other days.
Dh wants me to sit outside the house, find out where the mum works, join the pta and spread the word. I say that will backfire.
it’s awful because dd has basically said back off. Y his is so not like her.
thanks bearing for posting. Was feeling a bit daunted and alone.
Dh taking it so badly.

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BearingFalseWitness · 24/01/2023 06:35

I agree @Moomoola that giving up work, especially if it's part-time could actually be more stressful as you will lose some structure and time to distract you and get you out of the house. Otherwise you could spend a lot of time at home feeling anxious. Do you have friends at work? Do you enjoy it? Because you also need support.

Original poster
Moomoola · 24/01/2023 06:23

Thanks. Wake up feeling so anxious. For dd, Dh and son, who must be missing her but doesn’t say.

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Catswhisky · 23/01/2023 20:06

I wouldn’t give up your job if you can help it.

Firstly, what would you be doing to get her back in that time that you are not able to do now?
Secondly, when I’m going through stressful times I actually need that structure of work, when I have to focus on work , and it’s an enforced break from the stressful situation. It’s good for your sanity.

Original poster
Moomoola · 23/01/2023 19:24

Thanks all.we sent a message saying love and support and it’s a good idea to get lots of views from people who love you when making big decisions.
she’s said she’s making her own decisions for her, and we are to stop pressuring her.
Dh asked what are the decisions? And we haven’t heard back.
Dh wants me to give up part time job so that he can feel we are doing the best we can to get her back. Not sure, but maybe it will help his stress. And I can paint the hall!

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lakeswimmer · 22/01/2023 18:01

OP, so sorrry you're dealing with this. The Gender Dysphoria Support Network helps families and has free online peer support groups. There is a linked organisation Genspect who have loads of support and useful info.

Look for therapists Stella O'Malley and Sasha Ayad who offer great information on how families can cope with a child questioning their gender identity. They produce a podcast called the Gender: A Wider Lens and Sasha has a YouTube channel.

Original poster
Moomoola · 22/01/2023 16:09

Thankyou so much everyone. A lot of great advice, thank you. I need to catch up with ,y self and give this some thought and will get back to you.

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ScrollingLeaves · 22/01/2023 14:46

Please don’t take this as intended flippantly, but more as a way of seeing the spirit behind apparently disengaging from the gender and coercive mum and girlfriend issue:

In the 1990s a book was written by Monty Robert’s who knew how to get untamed horses to voluntarily come to him in a process called ‘join up’ which you can see on this video 4 minutes in. The thing about it is that it happens when he turns his shoulders and eyes away from the filly (away from confrontation in our language).

Of course just leaving DD to some destructive course is unthinkable, but if only you can hang on to be there for her should she decide to think twice about the captivity she has put herself into, yet appear to be putting her under no pressure at all, perhaps that would help.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=smN9yebcibc

Guardian article about adopting the methods for children,

www.theguardian.com/uk/2005/mar/13/schools.education

justgotosleepffs · 22/01/2023 13:51

I agree with what PPs have said, but maybe also add something about how when youre trying to figure things out its a good idea to get advice from lots of different people who know you really well.

It's a shit idea to make life decisions when youre removed from the home and family youve known all your life - but probably best not to phrase it like that!

beastlyslumber · 22/01/2023 12:29

Maybe that would still be too much 'pressure' - I don't know. I guess the alternative would be to say something like, "Totally understood - we all need space sometimes! Let me know when you fancy catching up. It doesn't have to be anything heavy, I'd love to just see your face. I miss you and love you and I'll be here whenever you're ready to see me."

beastlyslumber · 22/01/2023 12:25

"I think it's a great idea to work on boundary-setting in all your relationships - you should never do anything just because someone else is pressuring you. It's something I've struggled with myself at times. What would you think about meeting a family therapist to discuss - would that be of interest? In the meantime, shall we get together for a zero-pressure coffee/walk/sushi lunch - my treat!"

Obviously I'm not in your family so I've no idea how this would be interpreted - I'd text something that sounds natural to you. But the general idea of affirming her right to boundaries, suggestion that this is important skill (and hint that she shouldn't let herself be pressured by anyone), try to find a way to use it to bring you closer and put you on the same side.

TheClogLady · 22/01/2023 12:12

’i just want to see your face and share some sushi, no pressure! No need to talk about gender at all. Love you, mum xx’

?

I would look up stuff about helping people to get out of Scientology and other similar cultish phenomenons - I vaguely remember a documentary about a woman
whose older teen (?) had run away to join ISIS and she had professional coaching as to how to handle sporadic phone calls home.

can you get your son/your DD’s uncle just to regularly text animal memes or entire emoji conversations? Just to keep contact lines open.

IcakedefargeIam · 22/01/2023 12:08

Text back, okay, let's meet up because we're family. There's more to both of us and our relationship than gender. It'll be the elephant in the room, but we can ignore it, be mother and child, take a holiday from it. Fancy ice cream?

Original poster
Moomoola · 22/01/2023 12:02

It’s knowing whe the partner isn’t there!
this is tha last text, I need help with the reply.
I saw a you tube where ‘your gender specialist’ explains how to affirm boundaries which seems to be a very persuasive argument that if you parents haven’t made an effort to call you your new name in 6 months you should affirm boundaries because they are not respecting you, and leave home basically.
it’s very cleverly scripted and convincing.
how do I reply to this? Written after she cancelled sushi because she needs time to work stuff out on her own.
Me ..’ or as this is all way too dramatic and we love you and will support you whatever you decide we can just each sushi and have a laugh.’
reply. ‘ it’s stuff that I need to figure out on my own and I need some space to do that and I’ll come to you when I’m ready but I need u to stop pressuring and I’m just trying to think about boundaries and set them cuz I haven’t been very good at it before.’

do I write back asking what boundaries? Or do I ignore? Or do i say it’s a shame you feel you can’t see us you and we are here or what?
I don’t want the reply to be an excuse for her to be encouraged to cut us off.

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BreatheAndFocus · 22/01/2023 09:18

Sorry - garbled sentence above. I mean send text and meet-up all in the same period when partner isn’t there.