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Original poster

Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return

990 replies

Moomoola · 11/01/2023 08:15

Hi, I was posting in the teens section and got some good ad vice and a suggestion that I post here.
here’s a link to that thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4699011-sil-cancelled-visit-as-our-dd-wants-to-be-a-man?page=1
im using ‘dd’and ‘she’ to keep things simple.
basically dd at 15 decided she was trans and I took her to get some boys clothes and didn’t pay it enough attention. To my naive mind it’s not (or wasn’t ) an issue.
Shes now 17 and started to date a girl ( x) who is 17, who’s parents paid for male hormones since 15. That was some concern as obv. X will have been through a lot. Dd mentioned that x has some mental struggles, the mum hides vodka. Dd is pretty naive, has had a few challenges and can be gullible.
in the last 3 months dd was clearly struggling.
just befor Xmas I made her a cuppa and she had vanished. We tracked her down to x house which she refused to leave. It was ibvioly coordinated as there was a lot of phone alerts and the dad had obviously come to collect her.
I asked the mum to send her back as it was Xmas day and we were concerned. I get a text back from dd saying the mum doesn’t want to be involved and why did I deadname her.
The mum obviously didn’t need to show the text to dd. There are other red flags that the mum is stirring. We got texts from dd saying we are abusive transphobes. If we try and talk rationally that’s conversion therapy. We are concerned that dd is being encouraged to write these. The grammar is sometimes too good to be dds. Any ‘friendly’ texts seem to be late at night. Though I may be overthinking that.
live managed to see dd twice so at least we are talking, but it’s as if dd is hardening herself from us. She has decided to live with x and her mum and is in love and considering top surgery as she has dysmorphia. At least she is still going to school.
we registered it with the police who said this is happening a lot and it’s a pattern.
we are not concerned about the trans thing as such, though obviously that’s part of it, we are very concerned that since dating x, a seemingly happy dd got increasingly depressed and convinced we were transphobic to the point that she had to run to xs house where she feels supported, and we feel she is being love bombed, isolated from us and coerced into thinking she also needs hormones etc.
we are getting nowhere. I seem to be living in a dystopian world where everyone has fake smiles and suggests we call her by her new name and everything will be marvellous.
live contacted Bayswater group, and I’m posting here as suggested by a pp in case anyone can suggest anything else I can do. For dd but also Dh and ds. Dh obviously distraught the more he reads and ds is spending more and more time alone on his phone.
Many thanks.

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Thread gallery
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Original poster
Moomoola · 29/01/2023 01:21

Yes I think you’re right. I lost my mum in the summer and now this. Feeling a bit adrift.

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ScrollingLeaves · 28/01/2023 23:52

He and you and your ds have broken hearts basically, I should think💐

Original poster
Moomoola · 28/01/2023 22:45

Ithanks zatroya have to say, you’ve put into words what was confusing me. I do know poor old Dh is really stressed.

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Zatroya · 28/01/2023 22:19

Not going to comment on the topic itself, but I've been reading your story and your DH is making some positively unhinged suggestions imo. I get it, he's panicking and doesn't know what to do but he needs a talking to.

Suggesting you quit your job is insane overkill and won't benefit anyone - the second your DD found out you'd quit your job to try and what, pull her back, she'd withdraw even more from you imo.

He's suggesting you basically stalk your DD's partner's mum, which again, will force your DD to withdraw even more.

I say this with all sincerity, I think he needs to speak to someone to help manage his emotions and his responses. Coming up with ridiculous suggestions then getting mad at you for not going along with them isn't fair, and he needs to recognise that his feelings don't overwhelm everyone else's.

Original poster
Moomoola · 28/01/2023 21:51

Thanks, I’m sorry I’m not answering posts individually, I am reading and note taking and learning so very much thank you all. I am so grateful to everyone who has posted, thank you so much for your kind thoughts and wise words.

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Original poster
Moomoola · 28/01/2023 21:48

Thank you cat fans! Yes we rowed about getting a cat too. I didn’t want to spend £400 on one so I am awful. I am nervous because it’s more to learn about/deal with as I’ll be looking after it, ds doesn’t want one, and I know Dh won’t be looking after it!
mrs overton thanks. Dh thinks I should be doing all sorts. Can’t say more because we’ve been rowing and I’ll be unfair!

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Original poster
Moomoola · 28/01/2023 21:39

Thanks delphinium yes, I’ve been reading both websites. Thanks they are useful.
Thank you for explaining what’s going on. It sounds absolutely right.
I will try and see dd without the teacher. I sent dd her ni number but she didn’t want to chat today, she’s too busy.
lid love to get her here and get some cognitive dissonance happening. I feel that the more she is away from us the more she will swallow the stuff she is being told.
we’ve invited her to USA in the summer but she’s said she won’t be going.
Dh has even said, ‘take money take dd round the world, whatever it takes’ of course I’d love to, not at all sure she will even consider it.
a mum whose child is friends with dd has said she’ll be welcoming to dd and encourage opportunities to chat. Dh is just angry, he thinks she should tell dd what’s what. Now we are arguing because I’m weak and pathetic and don’t have a plan and he has to do everything but he has to go to work.
its not been a great day.

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fantasmasgoria1 · 28/01/2023 21:27

A cat would be better than a puppy because they don't need the constant attention that a puppy needs. They do need attention but they sleep quite a lot! Perhaps adopt a cat. You can still get kittens and young cats from various rescues. They are usually neutered already. I am sorry about everything that you are going through.

ScrollingLeaves · 28/01/2023 21:22

Maybe a kitten or puppy really would help if one of you has enough time to be at home with it.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 28/01/2023 21:20

Moomoola · 28/01/2023 21:11

More arguments. Dh doesn’t agree with how we deal with this

Poor you. There's not a right answer for all this Moomoola. There are some really good suggestions on this thread about how to try to maintain a positive relationship / open door while accepting that she's on a destructive course that you can't influence. Looking after yourselves, supporting each other and your other child is important.
What does your DH think you should be doing?

Original poster
Moomoola · 28/01/2023 21:11

More arguments. Dh doesn’t agree with how we deal with this

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MrsOvertonsWindow · 28/01/2023 17:19

Moomoola · 28/01/2023 09:13

Equalities act 2010 ( from gender intelligence leaflet)
This act makes it clear that this includes protection to young trans people in goods and services, including schools, clubs, healthcare etc. Therefore any school that does not take in to account the needs of young trans people and make steps to ensure they are treated fairly is in breach of this act.
o.m.g.

That's the usual misleading obfuscation from the adult trans groups who've made a beeline to transition other people's children Moomola. The act makes no legal pronouncements about children because back in the day nobody thought adults would ever be allowed to target children in this way.

Why do you think the DfE have failed to provide the trans guidelines for schools they've been promising for over five years? Because it's a mess. Because there are bad faith actors all over the place gaslighting (and worse) children and young people. These people have footholds in all our powerful institutions and children / young people are mere collateral to their personal desires. They currently hold great power - which hopefully is waning by the hour as the real motivations are currently being exposed. But until those institutions regain their responsibility and their ability to say no to predatory values, children and young people are the main casualties.

Like so many others sending you all good wishes and strength as you navigate all this..

Delphinium20 · 28/01/2023 17:06

I also think you should tell your daughter, in an upbeat and fun way, you have a very cool family vacation planned and can't wait for her to join. Carrot dangling.

Delphinium20 · 28/01/2023 17:05

Have you called genspect or read PITTstack?

Delphinium20 · 28/01/2023 17:05

You asked about escalation. She's asking for legal documents so she can manage life on her own which pushes her further from you. By bringing in a teacher, she's setting you up to look like the unreasonable person. Your DD isn't all that mature because she can't face you without someone from the cult holding her hand, reminding her she should be pulling away from family. If she's on your home turf, she'll be reminded of the healthy family life she's leaving and that cognitive dissonance will be painful.

Now, I do NOT blame your DD - she's been subjected to a lot of love bombing.

I would call that head master and complain about inappropriate relationship between them.

You still have the upper hand of having something she wants.

Original poster
Moomoola · 28/01/2023 16:54

Thanks princessleah true. I’ve wanted to take both kids there for years.
redtoothbrush I’d certainly agree with you there. I’m sorry for the damage it’s done to your family, it’s sooo sooo nasty. I’m sure your mum would love it if you can build bridges?
Dh stressed and wants a cat. DS says that won’t bring dd back. I’m the bad guy because I don’t know if a cats a good idea or not. Dh had one as a kid, I just see something else to think about, so I’m to blame.
hand grenade is about right.

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RedToothBrush · 28/01/2023 16:41

Moomoola · 28/01/2023 16:14

Thanks all. Depression setting in. Dh and I arguing.

I liken trans idology to an emotional hand grenade being lobbed into a family.

It totally destroys families. Its certainly not a neutral thing. Its also why I stress about identities not being individual but also being on a group / relational level too.

But I do think that once someone hits 18, whilst there is this urge to 'do something' to 'save' someone from it, you simply can't.

None of this is being, in any way, looked at. And it should be.

princessleah1 · 28/01/2023 16:22

It sounds like your dh needs to be away from wherever you meet your daughter, he's not managing his feelings.
The gig sounds great, hopefully it will broaden her horizons a bit.

Original poster
Moomoola · 28/01/2023 16:14

Thanks all. Depression setting in. Dh and I arguing.

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ScrollingLeaves · 28/01/2023 09:57

Moomoola · Today 09:13
Equalities act 2010 ( from gender intelligence leaflet)
This act makes it clear that this includes protection to young trans people in goods and services, including schools, clubs, healthcare etc. Therefore any school that does not take in to account the needs of young trans people and make steps to ensure they are treated fairly is in breach of this act.
o.m.g.

The Cass report makes clear that affirming children is not neutral but potentially harmful. The needs of your daughter include the need not to be affirmed.

A Teachers’ Guide to the Cass Review Interim Report – A Teachers' Guide to Sex and Gender

teachersguidetosexandgender.org/2022/07/06/a-teachers-guide-to-the-cass-review-interim-report/

Dr David Bell who was at the Tavistock also reiterates this though his experience was related to puberty blockers etc which aren’t relevant to you.

Gender identity treatment needs greater caution | Transgender | The Guardian

www.theguardian.com/society/2023/jan/27/gender-identity-treatment-needs-greater-caution

I suppose it would be difficult to get your daughter to read this because she is in a oppositional state of mind, but it is very interesting
lacroicsz.substack.com/p/by-any-other-name?s=r

HagoftheNorth · 28/01/2023 09:43

No advice, just 🍫💐🍫

beastlyslumber · 28/01/2023 09:24

I wish I knew where I could point to you for help with this, OP. It does sound like they are following a script. I don't know what your legal rights are in the situation or how you could practically stop your DD from following this path.

I've heard interviews with detransitioned girls where they've said they wished someone had told them the truth, tried to stop them, asked them about their trauma etc. Even for those who had that and didn't listen, they appreciated those people later down the line. I think maybe all you can do is let her know that you love her as she is, that you'll love her even if she changes her name/appearance, you'll love her if she takes hormones or has surgery, you'll love her if she changes her mind. But you don't want her to be harmed, emotionally or physically. Does she want babies later on? Does she have plans for the future in terms of career, travel etc? Could you maybe talk about some of those things with her, try to get her to think about things other than her gender?

Would you be able to pay for her to see a therapist to talk about her mental health unrelated to the gender stuff? Maybe if she had someone who was listening and exploring her trauma she would find some more clarity in herself. Obviously you would need to find someone who isn't just going to affirm and push her further down this path.

I wish I knew the answers, OP. Sending you love and strength.

Original poster
Moomoola · 28/01/2023 09:13

Equalities act 2010 ( from gender intelligence leaflet)
This act makes it clear that this includes protection to young trans people in goods and services, including schools, clubs, healthcare etc. Therefore any school that does not take in to account the needs of young trans people and make steps to ensure they are treated fairly is in breach of this act.
o.m.g.

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Original poster
Moomoola · 28/01/2023 09:09

She also wants her new name on her exam certificate. I asked the school if they could encourage her to think about it but the ( same) teacher said dd will have given it a lot of thought and she is nearly 18.
? I don’t know why it concerns me that she wants to do this, but it does. I thought because in a few years time it may be seen as a bit daft and stop her getting jobs. But also it is corroborating her new identity and heading to a gender recognition certificate, maybe. That’s what Dh thinks.

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Original poster
Moomoola · 28/01/2023 09:03

Delphinium20 · 27/01/2023 19:43

This is the escalation process to pull away from you and I'm so sorry it's happening

Thank you. It all seems very friendly and helpful. But yes, very odd too.
I will call her today and tell her to come and get it or at least ask what’s going on. Was a bit shocked before, and of course watching every word in case I say something wrong. Called her ‘daughter’ without realising in that phone call. Bad Mummy.
delphinium would you mind expanding on that so I can figure out ways to combat? At the moment I feel like I’m in a real life game of chess and I don’t know the rules. We feel like every teeny hopeful step we make, we get massively walloped. If that makes sense!
im googling but not getting very far. It does sound like a script is being followed. There must be a website with a counter script!

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