Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return

Hi @Moomoola how are things? Keep thinking of you and am hoping all the SNP and trans ideology that's exploding all over the media is going to hopefully open your dd's eyes to what is actually going on and how harmful things can be.

Who can resist visiting a kitten? And they're time limited; kittens become cats pretty quickly, so she'll know that if she wants to meet Fluffball while she's still tiny and cute, she'll have to come and see you soon, not in 3 years when she's finished 'thinking about what she wants'.

Even if she doesn't end up visiting, it'll be lovely for your son (but only if he actually wants one).

Oh and regarding that teacher who wants to meet you all outside of school. I would be raising it with the head. I don't think it's appropriate. What if you didn't turn up, would the teacher just hang out having a coffee with your daughter? The whole thing feels like the teacher is overstepping boundaries.

Kittens are pretty easy, by the way, if you want a quick 'look dear I listened' for your H. But get two, if you can afford the insurance and food for both.

They lend themselves to many, many photos to send to your DD.

Sorry, OP, that was probably unfair. The posters who think he's in a blind panic probably have it right. But you are recently bereaved on top of this difficult time with your daughter, and instead of supporting you, he's blaming you. Ugh.

You need to keep on being you and doing things outside the family, or you might go under.

I don't think your husband is trying to be abusive (unless he has a form for that, which you haven't mentioned) I think he is trying to hold his sanity together while he grieves for the daughter he once cherished who is now considering mutilating herself and cutting her family off.

But equally, his sanity isn't your responsibility. If more things need 'doing', then he can 'do'. He can't wake up in the morning with a list of things for you do to and if they work he can take credit for thinking them up and if they fail, he can blame you for not doing it or not doing it well enough. If he has an idea, you need to deflect it back and say 'yeah, why don't you try that'.

I can't say what I would do in your shoes, because none of us know how we would really react, but I like the idea of what some previous posters mentioned and just quietly make your home life enticing. "We're going to take the Eurotunnel to Paris for the weekend, let me know if you want to come, otherwise I'll send you some pictures xxx". There's no pressure, almost indifference, but letting her know the life she could be having. I imagine it's pretty crap where she is. It's awkward living with someone else's mum and teenage relationships are almost always turbulent. I would keep up with the drip, drip, drip of her nice former life "morning darling, today I'm meeting Glenda for a coffee, I haven't seen her for a while, so it'll be nice to catch up", "I hope you've had a nice day today, we played Monopoly after school and DS drew a picture of a tree, his art is really coming along [pic attached]", "Dad made a cake today but is so messy he ended up with icing sugar in his hair - I haven't told him yet! [pic attached]". No pressure, no oxygen to the trans situation, just normal family life, the same as you would if she was gone for the night on a sleepover or moved out to go to uni.

If your friend wants to call your daughter 'he', that's not a battle I would be fighting, but there's also no way I would be pretending she was a boy. Otherwise if she did change her mind, she'd have to eat her words and tell you to call her 'she' again, which is like admitting she was wrong. I wouldn't put that hurdle in front of her.

The therapy sounds good, and I agree to doing it without DS to begin with so you can check out the therapist first.

I would be putting any spare time you have (but not all your energy) into making things nice for DS, his life can't revolve around his sister. Ask him who he wants to invite over for the weekend, for example, or tell him you've found a new trampolining club that he might want to join. And I would also be getting a kitten if DS wants it. Or maybe he wants something else: a drum kit, guitar lessons, involvement in the Duke of Edenborough award, picnic in the park, anything to engage him and make him feel special. Just nothing computer related. Boys seem to withdraw into themselves when given free rein of a computer.

Oops, that was quite long!

God, your husband really needs to rein back his sexism and dismissal of the women in his life.

So he thinks his role is to instruct you to give up your job, make the home nice, take urgent action with your almost-adult daughter and cut off your friends? Has he pondered at all what is it about womanhood that your daughter might be trying to avoid?

Sorry I missed you already arranged family therapy - good shout. And by the way - you are doing a great job as a Mum. You're doing what's possible to keep communcation lines open with your DD in such difficult circumstances.

Your DH is all over the place. There is no magic way to "get her back". This is a long haul. Your husband is in a state and he's blaming you to avoid blaming himself. It's that simple. He's trying to push it all off onto you because he can't cope himself. So try to keep your mental distance and don't mentally accept that blame. This is him, not you.

Your DH needs help. He can't just expect you to give up your life to fix his problems. You need your oxygen own to survive, and your job is that oxygen. And OK, maybe your son does need more parental attention - but he's the father, he can't just delegate that to you, his son needs him too. Maybe he needs to rethink his own work-life balance for a year or two.

Is there any chance of getting some family therapy, for yourself, your husband and your son? DD doesn't have to come. From what you said about being ill in the past there's been pain in the family, both before this trans thing and now also focussed on your DD. DD has found a way to suck up all the oxygen in the room, to make everything about her, about what she wants, about getting her back, etc. And now you're trying to fix everything, hold everyone up, satsify your husband, look after your son, keep contact with your daughter. It can't all be done by yourself!

Family therapy could be, not so much about getting DD back, but finding a way to cope with what's happening as a family that doesn't blow all of you apart.

He is certainly being very difficult but I think he is just a highly stressed, panicking, and bereaved father.
Men often want to ‘take action’ and ‘solve’ something.

Honestly the more I read the more pissed off I am with your DH, he sounds borderline abusive at times, and I don't throw that around lightly.

Di you think your daughter would move back in, if your husband was staying elsewhere?

Do you agree with your DH that you have a limited time to get her back?

Or do you think that ship has sailed and she's made a choice that she has to live for a while before she can roll back?

This is the essence of the entrenchment argument. How far gone is your daughter? I would argue that at the point she's no longer living with you, she's already crossed a threshold where it's difficult to back down from in the face of your father insisting you MUST.

The issue is then no longer about the trans stuff but independence and who makes decisions in her life. That's the kind of environment that 17/18 year olds are MORE not less likely to make bad decisions because it becomes about 'proving they mean it' to parents.

Be careful. If you feel bullied into doing certain things, how do you think your daughter might be feeling.

This idea that he can 'save' his daughter from herself is naive.

"Working on her" as your DH sees it will not bring her home. It might drive her further away.
Quiet "acceptance" is the way to go. Listen and keep listening, show respect and reassure her that whatever decisions she's made, you love her unconditionally. Keep the door open at this stage. If you push back (which of course you'll feel like doing) it buys into the narrative that she's being sold. It goes against our instincts but if you want her back in your lives, she needs to want to return. And she's 17 - she won't unless she can see it as a non judgemental place.

Not sure what you can do re your DH - he's now bullying you in his frustration and rage and that's not on.

The passport is the one bargaining chip you have, I would only give it to her in person and hopefully at your home so she sees the warm family home, with all her childhood memories.

I would definitely do some stuff just with DS, go to the movies, bowling, anything that’s just fun. We have just one teen at home now and it’s fun to do things just with him and my husband. I think with serious family issues the siblings can get overlooked. You have much more control over your relationship with DS at the moment so I would work on building those bonds together, nothing weird, just spend time together and not separately at home stressed out in different rooms. I also think not talking about DD in front of DS if it’s going to be a tense and stressful talk is the way to go. I know you can’t keep up a fake front and I can’t imagine the stress, so just take small steps to at least prevent the three of you at home becoming estranged.
My heart goes out to you ❤️

'hopefully' just a case of her being steered away from talking to you on the phone, but my first thought was has she started taking testosterone?

A voice drop or change would explain the reticence for her to speak to you and have you hear her voice.

Don’t take your DS to the first appointment. You might not like the therapist and decide not to go back.

Do a session or two either just you, or you and DH and then add DS in when you know you trust the therapist. They aren’t all good at dealing with the gender hand grenade (good description).

There is a small but ever growing list of therapists and psychologists who are beginning to specialise in gender distressed teens and transitioners. They will usually work directly with the teens or with the family, helping the parents to better support the young person by proxy.

I’ve done this sort of one step removed therapy to help my youngest (who is the cancer survivor rather than the one with ASD or the one who identifies as a boy 😬) it can be very effective as it helps you manage your own feelings and gives really constructive ways to engage with theirs. This sort of therapy could help you to help your son too (and clearly your husband needs some sort of professional guidance).

if you contact James Esses/Thoughtful Therapists or Stella O’Malley/Genspect they will be able to give you a list of professionals - it doesn’t matter where they are located because they will work over zoom/Microsoft teams.

💐
Motherloss is SO hard. It’s utterly awful of your DD to do this to you when you are dealing with bereavement. Sadly, her brain isn’t properly developed yet so she might not realise what a dick she’s being to you until she’s about 25.

Redtoothbrush is right, you and DH need to at least think about the fact that you can’t do much to stop an 17-18 year old doing whatever they want. Does she have a New Labour Child Trust Fund? My kid is planning to use her Tony Blair bux to have her breasts amputated. Hopefully you didn’t top your daughters up because you cannot prevent them from spending the whole lot the day after they turn 18.

Re: the friend that wants to use the fashionable names and pronouns, I’d let that happen, personally. Better your DD be in the home of someone you know and will report back than in the home of the strange glitter mom - she’s going to be called the new name in both houses but she’s going to find it harder to reinvent herself with the old friends than the new ones. Do what you can to keep her close, but not at the expense of your son or your own mental health.

That’s my gut feeling, that her partner is convincing her not to talk to you on the phone, or speak to you 1-1, because she might cave and/or realise that she misses you. As long as they maintain distance and coldness they can carry on telling themselves that you are a Suppressive Person, as the Scientologists call it.

It seems obvious to me that she is being steered away from speaking to you in person in case she cracks. Easier to keep the emotional distance if she doesn’t hear your voice. Easier to keep you the bad guy if she gets a chaperone. All this to help her forget that you’re her mum.

This is heartbreaking, I’m so sorry.

Your DH is being irrational as ever. Giving up your job so you say ask “how high” as soon as she says “jump”… I don’t think so.