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Original poster

Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return

990 replies

Moomoola · 11/01/2023 08:15

Hi, I was posting in the teens section and got some good ad vice and a suggestion that I post here.
here’s a link to that thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4699011-sil-cancelled-visit-as-our-dd-wants-to-be-a-man?page=1
im using ‘dd’and ‘she’ to keep things simple.
basically dd at 15 decided she was trans and I took her to get some boys clothes and didn’t pay it enough attention. To my naive mind it’s not (or wasn’t ) an issue.
Shes now 17 and started to date a girl ( x) who is 17, who’s parents paid for male hormones since 15. That was some concern as obv. X will have been through a lot. Dd mentioned that x has some mental struggles, the mum hides vodka. Dd is pretty naive, has had a few challenges and can be gullible.
in the last 3 months dd was clearly struggling.
just befor Xmas I made her a cuppa and she had vanished. We tracked her down to x house which she refused to leave. It was ibvioly coordinated as there was a lot of phone alerts and the dad had obviously come to collect her.
I asked the mum to send her back as it was Xmas day and we were concerned. I get a text back from dd saying the mum doesn’t want to be involved and why did I deadname her.
The mum obviously didn’t need to show the text to dd. There are other red flags that the mum is stirring. We got texts from dd saying we are abusive transphobes. If we try and talk rationally that’s conversion therapy. We are concerned that dd is being encouraged to write these. The grammar is sometimes too good to be dds. Any ‘friendly’ texts seem to be late at night. Though I may be overthinking that.
live managed to see dd twice so at least we are talking, but it’s as if dd is hardening herself from us. She has decided to live with x and her mum and is in love and considering top surgery as she has dysmorphia. At least she is still going to school.
we registered it with the police who said this is happening a lot and it’s a pattern.
we are not concerned about the trans thing as such, though obviously that’s part of it, we are very concerned that since dating x, a seemingly happy dd got increasingly depressed and convinced we were transphobic to the point that she had to run to xs house where she feels supported, and we feel she is being love bombed, isolated from us and coerced into thinking she also needs hormones etc.
we are getting nowhere. I seem to be living in a dystopian world where everyone has fake smiles and suggests we call her by her new name and everything will be marvellous.
live contacted Bayswater group, and I’m posting here as suggested by a pp in case anyone can suggest anything else I can do. For dd but also Dh and ds. Dh obviously distraught the more he reads and ds is spending more and more time alone on his phone.
Many thanks.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
38
MumOfYoungTransAdult · 16/02/2023 10:12

My mind just goes blank about where to go. I think because DS just says, why would we go there?

I have found "I'd enjoy spending some time with you" quite an effective answer Grin Followed by "let's give it a shot, I bet they have cake". Just make a random decision where to go and tell him, it's fine. Even if he grumbles it's still OK. Think Marvin the Paranoid Android - "Don't try to engage my enthusiasm because I haven't got one".

Original poster
Moomoola · 16/02/2023 09:34

But worse things happen, so 👍

OP posts:
Original poster
Moomoola · 16/02/2023 09:33

Thank you so much bez it just feels like my family is unraveling before my eyes.

OP posts:
BezMills · 16/02/2023 09:12

Flowers @Moomoola you're doing your very best and that's all you can do. Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
Moomoola · 16/02/2023 09:02

Ooh thanks banter she loves anything South Korean. She’ll love this I’m sure. Maybe ds will!
When we first went to buy her boys clothes she told me she wanted a physique like a bloke form BTS (very androgynous)I pointed out the blokes in the park ( not quite the same look) as how the bts lot were chosen for looks etc and very rare. Brother said if she wants to be a bloke he’d stuff a pillow up her jumper then take her to the footy for a beer and a fart.😀

thanks banter and arabella for the support.
Sorry, but you’re all my outlet! I have a very good friend whose feminist and up on all this stuff and is amazing. Others just don’t get it, or have been stonewalled ( teacher). It’s a surprisingly lonely place to be without feminist friend. If you are reading this, 🥂
live joined GDSN support which was set up by an amazing woman. Hoping that will be good.

I think I’ve screwed up re DS. my brother is visiting the same city that DD and X are in at the mo. it was my plan to take DD and DSbefore all this kicked off.
they are meeting my brother so that’s brilliant. But obviously it seemed too wierd to be following her with DS. So then my mind went blank.

he’s out with mates today, thank goodness, He does get bored on computer (with mates)but obviously all my suggestions are more boring!
My mind just goes blank about where to go. I think because DS just says, why would we go there? Then I sort of deflate. I think I need to be a lot more decisive. Or something.
He didn’t like the riding idea, unfortunately. But thanks!
sorry for the ramble. Going to edit it but realised the time! Ulp!
thanks.

OP posts:
BanterEnjoyer · 15/02/2023 19:35

P.S. I would say how much you are enjoying it but otherwise “no comment” as the visuals will be powerfully telling a story about biological abilities and limitations.

BanterEnjoyer · 15/02/2023 19:29

@Moomoola you might like to ask dd if she is watching Physical 100 won Netflix where 100 incredibly athletic people from S Korea compete to find the best all-round kind of physique. It has about 25% to 1/3 women. What I like is the huge range of different backgrounds, body types, sports, athletic abilities etc. the 100 have. The women are from Special Forces, Weight Training, Bodybuilding, Wrestling, X-Fit etc. etc backgrounds and as opposite as “girly-girl” as you can get. In the first round of 50, a woman came third! And 2nd place was a male gymnastic Olympic gold medalist. It shows how much the mental game is also so important, the sheer will and blooodymindedness to take your body to its limits. But it’s also undeniably BIOLOGICAL. The bodies and their abilities are amazing. And there are some monstrously huge men that even the biggest and strongest women cannot come close to to in sheer bulk and size. It’s very entertaining. My 16 son is enjoying it as much as all of us.

Even if the 3 of you at home watch it I think you will likely really enjoy it. They also are diverse in age from a High School Ju-Jitsu national champion up to people who look like they must be at least in their 40s.

movieweb.com/physical-100-netflix-must-watch/

ArabellaScott · 15/02/2023 19:06

They are the only person who knows their gender identity

I'm glad someone does. Nobody has yet managed to explain 'gender identity' to me in a way that makes much sense.

Banter's point above is excellent, OP. Be sure to look after yourself and make sure you have outlets and support. Brew

BanterEnjoyer · 15/02/2023 19:00

Really great to know your DD is contacting you of her own free will, I would just keep doing what you are doing in-terms of keeping your relationship alive and staying away from anything controversial. Don’t give her (or her GF) an excuse to cut you off. No matter what she says, she DOES love you, and she does need you. She is a deep hole of misinformation so going to see you through a strange lens rn. Just reaching out in gentle, cheerful ways seems successful.

Sorry to hear about DS. If it would be best to do things without your DH rn to keep your relationship with him alive do it.

What are you doing for yourself? Do you have any friends you can talk to?

Original poster
Moomoola · 15/02/2023 10:58

P.s. it was a very good point. Thank you.

@moomoola respecting your child’s pronouns and calling them by the name they wish to be known and taking discussions of transgender issues off the table will go a long way to reconciling you -that was my point.

OP posts:
McGonagallshatandglasses · 15/02/2023 10:58

Respect is important.

But so are YOU.

You do not owe it to anyone, including your child, to agree with them on something that you believe is hurting them.

Respect yourself enough to hold tight to what matters most.

Small details don't matter. Some choose to use names and pronouns in order to protect the relationship. Others are able to avoid that by using pet names and weird language constructions.

But don't let anyone ever tell you that this is the exact same as if your child was telling your she is same sex attracted. That's nonsense.

Original poster
Moomoola · 15/02/2023 10:56

Thanks mum and back at you.
it’s a lot to suddenly learn to navigate

Thanks dadjoke I realise that, I’m just a bit…nnngggg stressed. Like mum i am calling her them and new name. I think some of this is fine, but the extreme views are concerning and so are the irresponsible idiots on social.
sorry to vent!
also I still don’t get how you can be gender non conforming? Isn’t that just being normal? How do you define gender? I’m genuinely curious as I really don’t know. I don’t feel particularly like a woman, I’ve no idea what that is supposed to feel like. Nor do I feel like any gender particularly - I’ve only got inside my head as a guide.
sorry, I’m derailing my own thread!

OP posts:
DadJoke · 15/02/2023 10:30

@moomoola respecting your child’s pronouns and calling them by the name they wish to be known and taking discussions of transgender issues off the table will go a long way to reconciling you -that was my point.

They are the only person who knows their gender identity, and there are plenty of gender non-conforming non-trans people.

MumOfYoungTransAdult · 15/02/2023 09:47

@Moomoola sounds like you have your head well screwed on! Flowers Families are complicated and you're doing an amazing job looking after yours. Keep taking care of yourself too.

I use my child's chosen name and pronouns too, not because I believe I have a DD, but because that's where we are and my child needs me. There isn't a single right or wrong path, we're all making it up as we go along. And trying to do what's best for our families.

Original poster
Moomoola · 15/02/2023 08:15

Thanks bez we cross posted.
I agree, my daughter is my daughter, she can never be my son. Like she can never be my chicken, even if she sticks feathers on, and I can never be Nicole Kidman - though I know I am, I was just born in the wrong body!

The OPs daughter is questioning her gender identity. This is a common enough thing for a young female to do when presented with the giant ball of fucking terrible that comprises gender stereotypes and sex-based oppression.
yup. This with knobs on. 😂
in the eighties everyone just wore eyeliner and got in with it. It seems now there’s a need to create a battlefield where there wasn’t one.
meanwhile away from the mirror, there’s pollution of the planet..poverty..there’s a lot better stuff to spend energy and passion on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moomoola · 15/02/2023 07:58

Ps attached the film, to say thanks camillerose it’s worth a watch.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moomoola · 15/02/2023 07:57

CamilleRose · 07/02/2023 17:52

Powerful interview with a mother who transitioned her son under 5 and realized he wasn’t trans when their second son (who was not gender non conforming - whatever the hell that means! ) also told them he was a girl at 3. She was deep, deep into Gender Ideology as it aligned so much with all her other SJW beliefs and in fact sprang from them, so she saw it as positive activism on her part. I hate how trans ideology is a toxic cancer that smothers any other genuine movement (feminism, LGB rights, against racism, class analysis etc etc) that it force-teams with.

Hi ericaquites you did make me laugh, I read your first post thinking wow, you do know a lot about this, and having all sorts of serious type questions and then you popped up with the two cats post. 😀that made me smile!

Thanks everyone for the supporting comments. dadjoke thanks, I will use her new name for now. She’s obviously a girl sex wise, and I’m not at all sure she thinks she is a boy.

What I think she is, is a person who doesn’t like the whole straight hair, mini skirted girly girl cliche, who has problems and is being influenced by a very authoritarian ideology, which polarises views and tells vulnerable people who very naturally question their sexual identity that trans size fits all and any doubts they may have about being trans makes them transphobic. I’m sure you can see the brain twists that can cause! It’s apparantly a technique used in the war to convince American soldiers to embrace their captors views.

I also believe that there are more than a few narcissistic figure heads who are very cleverly and persuasively convincing people that their support network is transphobic and that they should leave and be supported elsewhere, often with no clear thinking or opportunity to discuss it with the people who love them.
it leaves people like my daughter very vulnerable and causes massive unnecessary distress amongst family units.

An ideology that claims to be inclusive should surely be inclusive and that means including people with gender critical thinking. Or deeply held religious beliefs. Or families that love their child.

Sorry dadjoke bit of a rant there. It’s not at you, but at some aspects of the trans movement that I find disturbing in it’s fundamentalism.

OP posts:
BezMills · 15/02/2023 07:19

@DadJoke you don't even understand what you're saying. "Whatever you think, your son knows he is male"

Male isn't a gender, it's a sex. Male is a word with a fixed meaning from biology. Someone can't identify into being a different sex, that's not possible. So you're flast wrong in your first sentence of your first post, well done. Clap clap.

The OPs daughter is questioning her gender identity. This is a common enough thing for a young female to do when presented with the giant ball of fucking terrible that comprises gender stereotypes and sex-based oppression.

People telling her that she can be male is a huge part of the problem. It doesn't help a young person one bit to tell them they are or can be the opposite sex. It might even lead them down a irreversible path that ends in lifelong medical dependency and loss of fertility.

And by the way this is a support thread. Wind your bloody neck in and have some sensitivity to the OPs situation. Or do one. Please pick an option.

beastlyslumber · 14/02/2023 20:40

DadJoke · 14/02/2023 20:24

The I approach I suggest with gay and transgender teenagers is frequently the only way not to alienate them. Obviously you have your deeply held religious beliefs, but telling your son that their sexuality or gender is not valid will not bring them back to you.

Stop it. You haven't understood anything in this thread. I don't think you've even read it. You've just come on here to taunt and gaslight an anxious mother.

Helleofabore · 14/02/2023 20:34

DadJoke · 14/02/2023 20:24

The I approach I suggest with gay and transgender teenagers is frequently the only way not to alienate them. Obviously you have your deeply held religious beliefs, but telling your son that their sexuality or gender is not valid will not bring them back to you.

It is not religious belief that a person cannot change sex.

Again, this is gaslighting.

DadJoke · 14/02/2023 20:24

The I approach I suggest with gay and transgender teenagers is frequently the only way not to alienate them. Obviously you have your deeply held religious beliefs, but telling your son that their sexuality or gender is not valid will not bring them back to you.

Delphinium20 · 14/02/2023 18:45

DadJoke · 14/02/2023 16:24

Whatever you think, your son knows he is male. The only way to get him back is to accept him as he is, no matter how much it goes against your gender critical beliefs. You don't have to change your mind, just agree to use his pronouns and call him by the name he has chosen and agree not to press your views on him.

If you claim someone female is male, not sure how anyone could trust anything you say. Stop proselytizing your religion and leave the OP alone.

Rainbowshit · 14/02/2023 18:43

DadJoke · 14/02/2023 16:24

Whatever you think, your son knows he is male. The only way to get him back is to accept him as he is, no matter how much it goes against your gender critical beliefs. You don't have to change your mind, just agree to use his pronouns and call him by the name he has chosen and agree not to press your views on him.

How can a female be a male?!?! FFs.

RedToothBrush · 14/02/2023 18:18

DadJoke · 14/02/2023 16:24

Whatever you think, your son knows he is male. The only way to get him back is to accept him as he is, no matter how much it goes against your gender critical beliefs. You don't have to change your mind, just agree to use his pronouns and call him by the name he has chosen and agree not to press your views on him.

No I don't believe this is true.

They believe they want to be treated a certain way. And they dislike their body.

That doesn't mean they, deep down, think they are actually male.

Helleofabore · 14/02/2023 17:40

DadJoke · 14/02/2023 16:24

Whatever you think, your son knows he is male. The only way to get him back is to accept him as he is, no matter how much it goes against your gender critical beliefs. You don't have to change your mind, just agree to use his pronouns and call him by the name he has chosen and agree not to press your views on him.

This is a support thread. How dare you post this!

Not one person on this earth has changed sex. Not one. That teenager is female. And your post is gaslighting.