Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return

Definitely this.
Try and catch a breath to do some grounding things for yourself.

This feels really unfair - blaming the parents for dd deciding she is trans when billions of children grow up in abusive situations and don't suddenly decide they are the opposite sex.

You are going through such a tough time and I think you're being an amazing mum to your dd.

Can you get the kittens as a project with your ds? That way it might give you both something to focus on.

Fwiw you sound like you might have depression.... Hope you're OK xxxxx

Personally I think everyone saying he put his job before his child is being ridiculous, he still has to help support a family and pay bills

in the normal course of events? for sure, i had this when my DC were small, sometimes my job came first and DH was in charge of home/kids. Sometimes his came first and i was in charge of home/kids (as well as our jobs generally). Sometimes the DCs had to be the priority and luckily jobs didn't suffer.

But this DH? He has literally forced (emotionally manipulative) OP to give up her job to make their DC priority. But the first time he is in any position to do that? BAM! job first. So no. He doesn't get a free pass. He must - as i did when my DC tried to kill herself - tell his work that for a few weeks at least his home-life comes first.

As some of us said previously: If DH can't handle it, he needs to change his job, and OP needs, for her own MH if nothing else, to find another job, and can increase hours as necessary to make up a gap in income. They will both then have the safety-valve of a job (ie away from family drama) and more time for their family, including, let's not forget, a DS still living at home.

(FWIW: my employer immediately took pressure off me, and when it later transpired I'd need to do more support at home, helped me downsize my job without making a big fuss about it)

Personally I think everyone saying he put his job before his child is being ridiculous, he still has to help support a family and pay bills. When you have a demanding task at work that is essential, you sometimes have to make personal sacrifices. It’s crazy to think she can come and go and leave her parents hanging constantly but the one time her dad has to do some extra work he gets blamed.

Things happen, sometimes we can’t do everything. The whole world can’t stop because one child is refusing to take part in family life in a way they can plan for.

I think this is very unfair to blame the parents when they have been treading on eggshells trying not to upset their daughter. It’s not realistic to think the rest of your life and your responsibilities can be shelved for one person in the family who isn’t being cooperative.

Parents in the situation still need positive feedback from other areas of their lives so they don’t feel that nothing they do matters, it can be very hard to keep on track and be successful in the middle of something like this. I just don’t think it’s fair, teens have to understand that the world cannot revolve around them all the time.

Sorry, no.

She came second. She wasn't as important as his job. He told her that loud and clear. Shouted it from the rooftops. She was less important than his job.

Yes, as adults in the adult world with adult responsibilities we understand. But she's not (quite) an adult so she doesn't see the bigger picture, that dad's been amazing st work. She just sees that she is less important to her dad than some random guys.

I agree that at 17 you fussing over her will just make her feel she is in control and make her be more likely to feel she can have everyone running round after her. Mentally think of her as having gone away to university and start planning life without her at its centre.
Start thinking about what you want to do with your life and doing stuff with your son (if he wants) and concentrate on the things you can control not the things you can't.
If your happiness is dependant on someone else's actions you will never be happy.

DarkChocHolic· Today 15:36
Maybe if DD feels you are moving on with your lives that will get her attention?
At the moment , you are always ready to receive what ever she has to offer ( even if it rubbish)
Maybe show her you are putting yourself and her brother first for a change and see if that causes her to pay more attention?
We often take for granted the people who love us the most and are always there for us.
We assume they will be there forever.
Sorry, I know it must be so hard and easy for others to give suggestions but you must be breaking into pieces every single time.

This is good advice. Appear to be interested in her, but moving on with and enjoying your own lives more.

Fwiw I think your husband had a presentation and needed to focus on that.

Is it any wonder your DD doesn't want to be a woman when she sees all you have have had to sacrifice as the female head of the house.

She may not conciously see it herself but the message loud and clear here is that the man's priorities are whatever he chooses, and all else comes secondary, and women in his life come last/don't even feature. That a man's opinions are to be obeyed and unquestioned and that everyone just needs to listen to him tell them how they should live.

I know you love him and I know you see his good points but the majority of what you've said shows a man who is unsupportive, unhelpful and puts it all on you.

I'm so sorry @Moomoola

I agree that your husband is under stress but he should have found one hour to go with DD, even if he had to leave early or stay only a short time. He was wrong to not prioritize and juggle his time.

Please text your DD back. Tell her how sad you are to miss the event and how you miss her and just want to see her.

Maybe if DD feels you are moving on with your lives that will get her attention?
At the moment , you are always ready to receive what ever she has to offer ( even if it rubbish)
Maybe show her you are putting yourself and her brother first for a change and see if that causes her to pay more attention?
We often take for granted the people who love us the most and are always there for us.
We assume they will be there forever.
Sorry, I know it must be so hard and easy for others to give suggestions but you must be breaking into pieces every single time.

What is wrong with your husband? He didn't have to cry off at all. He chose to cry off. He chose to let his DD down. He chose to let you down. He chose to prioritise all that work. Any other father would have said "fuck it DD needs me more and so does DW". What would it take to make him put his work aside for a day?

This. After pushing you and harassing you to contact DD and give up your job etc etc, he is given a chance to connect with her and he decides he doesn't want to do that.

I think maybe your DD is very hurt that she is clearly not the priority. Maybe the best thing would be to apologise to her that DH cancelled and let her know that you are upset about letting her down. Don't mention her cancelling on you. Just be sorry that you let her down and ask when she is free so that you can arrange something else.

Hi @Moomoola I've been following your thread and wishing you all the best. I'm sorry you're having such a shit time. I second the posters who advise you to get out and do something for yourself. I have no advice on the situation with your DD, but maybe some ideas for you and DS. I have depression and can say how much better I feel when I do something constructive with my kids or get out for a walk.

I can't remember how old your son is, mine is 13 and he loves me to come outside and play on the trampoline or football or a bit of basketball. I'm not sporty and will do anything to put it off, but I always feel better and he loves it. It's not healthy for your DS to be on his computer all the time, is there anything you used to do together that he liked? Any films he wants to go and see? Or a trip out for pizza?

It's really hard to be in the moment with your kids when preoccupied, but once you can get to a place where you are in the moment with DS you will feel so much better.

Have you looked into any support groups such as Bayswater for other parents going through this? www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/about_us/

TBH he is doing that thing where his Man Job and him are so important and the rest of you have to fit round it. It's not healthy, you know

I recognise this so much.

Does your DH have much outside of work apart from you and the DC?
Friends, hobbies, interests? Or is he just living his life for his Man Job? Obvs he’s not big on the DIY thing, seeing as the house is now your project, does he do anything that isn’t work stuff?

What about you? Where are your friends? I know it can be v. hard to keep up with them as an adult (and hard to make new ones) but I have a coffee in the park with my bestie every other Wednesday- our lives are so different (he’s a childfree bloke for starters) but I listen to him re: his elderly mum and he listens to me re: my weirdo kids. I bet there is someone in your life who would love a similar, low investment but very regular connection.

Have you accessed any grief counselling? Can you do so? I think I might look into bereavement support groups for me - three pronged, it gets me out of these manky sweatpants, I get to meet some new people (my world shrank during covid) plus the actual bereavement stuff. I’ve been doing some solo talk therapy but the number of NHS sessions are limited and it’s been via zoom, so still wearing my manky sweatpants because she can’t see my legs (I just put some earrings in 😆)

It’s almost 20 years since my mum died and I’m still grieving. I can’t imagine dealing what you are dealing with during that first fog of loss. I barely got off the sofa that first year.

I imagine your daughter’s cancellation is motivated by ‘if Dad can’t be arsed then why should I?’ and TBF, if that’s the case, she has a point.
Is your DH at all prepared to examine his role in your DD’s escape? I can’t help but feel he’s the biggest ‘push’ factor, and that’s a pretty impossible thing for you to compensate for.
Can you imagine a scenario where your DH and DD spend time just the two of them?
Did that happen much throughout DD’s childhood?

Can you maybe start doing something little for DS everyday? I’m thinking something tiny like a post it note on his computer screen - famous quotes, crap cracker jokes, the occasional, I love you/I’m proud of you? Start with ‘saw this, thought of you’ and then carry on. Maybe start with one every few days and build up so he doesn’t think mum has had a personality transplant?

To be fair to DH his boss dumped him into presenting to the board instead of him, so was a big deal. DH said he’d not be able to handle the stress of dd and the stress of showing his work to the board.

And he prioritised showing his work to the board. That tells you something big about him. It does not excuse him.

DH was lucky to get this job after bullying/ redundancy/ illness. He has had to learn a new very technical skillseT and work with youngsters who did this as their phds. So he is very insecure. And exhausted. He is very proud that he’s managed to keep it all going and we haven’t had to downsize.

So what? He hasn't managed to keep it all going. His ego is all tied up in the job and his house. Those are his priorities. You don't have to accept them.
In his eyes your job is to facilitate those priorities for him, by doing all the emotional work at home. You don't have to accept that either.

Though to be fair I don't think DD and DH have "given up" on each other, that would be too easy for you. I think DH has (for whatever reasons, possibly including fear of getting it wrong with DD) rejected DD in favour of his job, and in return DD has rejected you/the family. Maybe this is armchair psychologising but what I see is an almighty struggle for family power and care and attention between DH and DD, with you as the care provider and the conduit. And the people who lose out are you and DS.

I suggets you step out of their power struggle and stop being a conduit. Stop trying to explain DD to DH, or DH to DD. Don't make promises on DH's behalf or tell DD what he will or wont do. If you invite DD over, don't promise that DH will be there. If she asks you, say you will ask him, and then relay whatever answer he gives starting "Dad says..."

As a feminist I'd say you don't have to do his "emotional housework" for him. As a mother I'd say you can't do it for him. Building a fatherly relationship with DD wont be easy for him, he will make mistakes and fuck up along the way, like we all do. But he has to do it himself or it wont be done at all.

So he is very insecure. And exhausted. He is very proud that he’s managed to keep it all going and we haven’t had to downsize.

to be blunt? it sounds to me as though your DH has some growing up to do. Yes, hard to get a job. Yes, hard to keep up with the younger more qualified ones. Yes, shitty to have this dumped on him.

Maybe it is on him to get himself a less stressful job? and maybe for you to take on more work (i think you said your job was very few hours?) to make up any income shortfall? that way both of you will have room to breathe (him outside of stressful work, you at hopefully non-stressful work)

TBH he is doing that thing where his Man Job and him are so important and the rest of you have to fit round it. It's not healthy, you know

So sorry Moomoola. It does seem as if you have a DH problem. He persuaded you to give up your work in order to prioritise your DD yet the first time he has the opportunity to prioritise her, he bails. Only you can know whether that's the message he consistently sends to his children and if it is, what your response to his behaviour should be?

As a PP has said, you do need something for yourself. Putting your life on hold to comply with your DH's demands isn't working. How's your son doing?

Maybe it’s ok to feel pissed off and manipulated and just cant be arsed. Maybe this is the time for you to think about you and your needs. Is this the time your daughter needs you most? Maybe she’s saying I need to figure things out, give me some space. Maybe your needs and wishes are just as important as anyone else’s. While your daughters partner and mother are sheltering a refugee from transphobes, they will be giving her so much reinforcement, and every attempt to make contact , or improve things feeds that. I honestly believe, as someone who has had similar happen that it’s time for you to think long and hard about what you want , and what needs to change for you to achieve it.

oh OP it all sounds so stressful.

So you need to have words with your DH about how it made you feel under pressure that he made an excuse not to see your DC. How that is the opposite of all the fuss and bother he has been creating over months and that he has let you down badly. You GAVE UP YOUR JOB and he? has done zip apart from moan around and cause you stress.
You really need to tell him, clearly, calmly and for the last time.
After this he is responsible for his relationship with your DC (both of them) and you are not going to attempt to facilitate that

(and please please get a job, something just for you)

It's a shame that you felt you couldn't go to the activity, this kind of apathy could be depression or grief. But it is a shame you missed out.

For future meetings I'd suggest something that you can do alone if you want and that you won't lose money on. If you can get something regular going that would be good, and when you have re-established a relationship with your DC, you can try other things.

How is your DC that still lives at home? How are they coping?