Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return

Just dropping in to say Happy Mothers Day @Moomoola - the first one without your mam is always rough without a wayward daughter on top!

You could consider another casual chat with X’s mum re: convincing both teens to go to university but also, it’s ok if DD doesn’t go yet. Uni is always a future option and I actually think a majority of young adults would do well to go a little later (24/25 ish) when they’ve got the late teens pubbing and clubbing out of their system and have had a shit shelf stacking job or similar that makes their student loan feel less like Monopoly money.

I think that’s quite insightful. The DH’s earlier behaviour really came across as very controlling and angry (he seems to be realising it himself a bit, more recently).

@Moomoola I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds like a total nightmare. Reminds me of those documentaries from the 70s about parents having to kidnap their teenagers back from cults, and as a former person of gender still trying to get their partner back, you have my full sympathy. But there was something I noticed about your situation that wasn't related to the trans thing, and I hope you aren't offended by my saying so, but sometimes when kids grow up seeing one parent being overbearing to the other, it normalizes that behavior in a relationship. If one parent models needing an emotional support spouse and the other is running themselves ragged to provide that role, is it possible that DD met someone obviously very emotionally bad off and felt the same urge to nurture and protect that you feel towards DH?The pressure you feel from DH might be mirrored in what she feels from her girlfriend, but obviously from the other side of the argument. idk it's kinda what it feels like to me, like appeasement behavior on top of everything else. Doesn't give her an excuse to be a bitch to you in your limited communication, but something to keep in mind all the same- just, to take some of the good advice you're getting in therapy about your own marriage and thinking about how that knowledge could be applied to your relationship with your daughter, knowing, perhaps, a little of what's going on behind closed doors there.Just my two bad pennies on the situation.

Let’s hope the voice of DD’s best friend from
primary school will be a seed in the back of her mind. Your DB has turned out to be an absolute blessing. He sounds a grounded and reasonable but liberal and open-minded person, so if he sees the toxicity of DF’s relationship with X everyone knows it must indeed be pretty bad.

I bet X has an instinct that she better get them out of there as soon as possible before DD, given confidence to be herself thanks to her uncle, starts making decisions that are out if her (X’s) control.

Wonder how x’s mum feels about x giving up her uni place. Now her life is starting to shrink too, and her mother might not be quite so positive about that…!

This is so heart breaking. It reminds me of the lady in Australia whose son had a totally toxic girlfriend. She isolated him from friends amd family, was vile to him, and eventually dumped him.

She had to be so calm and measured, but everything she did was wrong.

In the end her son came round, but i think it too a long time and alot of patience.

Can anyone link to the thread?

Hi Moomoola - have you accidentally put your D’s name towards the end of that last post? You might want to ask Mumsnet to edit.
(Sorry - just a sympathetic lurker here, wishing you well but no insights or helpful advice to offer.)

It’s great that you have opened a friendly communication between you and the Other Mother and I’m really pleased that she has told you that the school are communicating with her instead of you (which is a clear example of the school undermining your parental responsibility and I agree completely with Mum above, contact the school and avoid the activist teacher who has almost definitely made your family’s situation worse and could well be a danger to your DD’s mental health).

Keep communicating with other mother and DD in a light way (I know it’s hard) but they are not your enemies, the real foe is this mother-hating ideology.

Has your DH texted your DD yet? He needs to open his communication channel too, if he doesn’t, he becomes the easy panto villain he wants x and family to be.

Hm... this is outside my experience but these are my thoughts re the school:

Is there a safeguarding lead you can talk to? Don't say anything to Madam Silvery LGBT+, call the school separately and ask who the safeguarding lead is and (provided it's not her!) make a confidential appointment with them.

Then have an "I wanted to make you aware" kind of conversation. And say that as a parent you're concerned you were left out of the loop regarding DD's future; it's one thing to consult other-mum, but the school must also speak to you because you are still responsible for DD. And is there a reason why you are not being consulted or informed? Perhaps there has been some confusion due to DD leaving her home but you and DH take your parental responsibilities very seriously. And you do expect to be consulted and informed about all decisions regarding DD from now on.

I think it's important to get across to the school that you have not disengaged from DD (DD may be giving a very different impression to Madam Silvery!) , and it would help if that came to Madam Silvery LGBT+ via someone in school management rather than you going head-to-head with her.

Your dbro is a star! Just being himself with your DD and her pal is so helpful.

And @TheClogLady has great suggestions on how to handle other-mum

OP you should print this out and stick it on the fridge for DH to read. Well maybe not on the fridge, but you should absolutely make sure he reads this.

I think it’s great that the two of them are with your DB - I hope they stay there for ages so you can get more observation reports!

Your DH needs to understand that the only person who can begin to fix the breakdown in the relationship between him and his daughter is him.

He can’t outsource it to you under the catch-all ‘wifework’ banner, it’s like his personal hygiene - only he can do it (all you can do is ensure there is toothpaste and shower gel in the bathroom ready for him to use).

As for the mother, I wouldn’t do anymore than a casual check in as to whether anything has changed since your previous contact (eg ‘Just checking in with you as I realise a whole extra person in the family home is quite a big change and I wouldn’t want you to think we’re taking you for granted nor that DD isn’t welcome to move home whenever she’s ready’) but no offers or enquiries about financials or future plans. If she says everything is fine say you will check in with her again in a month/2 months/before exams start whatever feels right to you and then stick to it.
Your aim should be no more than creating a communication channel, so that DD & X can’t exaggerate or invent problems without you and the Other Mother having an avenue to double check if anything escalates.
Also, OM needs to feel like she can simply send DD home if she’s had enough of an extra mouth to feed - none of us would feel able to do that if we truly thought the teen’s home environment was abusive or damaging. Phoning up and getting shirty will reinforce the false notion that DD is unsafe in the family home, whereas a calm and undemanding check in will demonstrate otherwise.
I would write a simple breezy text and I would immediately screenshot the text and send it to DD with a ‘Hey [pet name] I sent this check-in text to X’s mum, just letting you know. I love you, mum xx’

If DD protests you can say you value honesty and transparency between you and DD and thus wouldn’t communicate with X’s mum behind DD’s back but as a responsible parent you had to check that she still had a stable roof over her head.

Pretty much all of us have a natural inclination towards wanting to be seen as the good guys, who wouldn’t rather be The Fairy Godmother instead of The Wicked Stepmother?
If you give The Other Mother the benefit of the doubt and imagine that she is just trying to do the right thing for a kid who has been framed as vulnerable/misunderstood at home, then the way to approach her is by gentle, indirect reassurance that you are not The Wicked Stepmother and DD is more Dick Whittington (setting out on an adult adventure) than Cinderella (neglected and forced into slavery within the home)!

Teenagers paint everyone and everything with a massively unsubtle big brush with no nuance. Let some nuance back in (and tell DH he’s behaving in the same way as the teens by making the other family out to be pure panto villains when the truth is likely more complicated).

Is your family therapy coming up anytime soon? Your DH really needs someone outside of the family system to tell him to stop outsourcing to you and start communicating directly with his daughter. When did he last text her? Did he ever apologise to her for cancelling on her?

(I’m still pretty convinced her subsequent cancellation on him was a revenge response, although perhaps subconscious on her part).

Your bro sounds wonderful. It's really good for teens to realize that what the world sees them as can be quite different than what they want the world to see them as. Sulking cause the world sees you as a teen girl when you ARE a teen girl just shows how immature x is. Hopefully DD, in this different environment, can see it too.

Ah, Moomoola, good to hear your brother and his friend might be able to project a bit of normality (and even teasing) into this, presumably, very intense relationship. I hope he does manage to have a word with your dd alone.

I really think that you shouldn’t contact the other mother, as pp have said, she has facilitated her daughter taking a certain path, and she’s now committed to believing that was best for her dd, and by extension, for yours too. She will never be your ally, best not to give her anything she could use against you.

Sending best wishes and good luck - plus hopes that you can have a lovely holiday with your ds (& dh?). I’m sure you both/all need it!

Your brother sounds awesome.

How is it a concern that X manipulates your DD, but it's absolutely fine that your DH does it to you?

Tell him to wind his neck in, he is really not helping at all.

And don't contact the mum, it's still not appropriate for all the reasons previously given on here.

I'm so glad you're finding help here, and it is probably a great thing that your bro is seeing in real time what your DD's relationship is actually like. Be aware that he might not tell you much, he might have been sworn to secrecy by your DD as a condition of her visiting him.

Your husband is a huge part of the problem here. You need to stop running around after him. Your DD sees you doing this and it makes her feel she's not safe with you because he controls you.

It helps me view DH with a calmer more understanding eye so thank you.

who is viewing you with a calmer more understanding eye, though?

IME you should tell DH to stop bombarding you with instructions and take control of himself. Honestly, he makes my slapping hand itch. Good for your bro and bro's friend - although i assume that he will now be cut off as an "enemy" rather than ally.

My husband firing instructions at me as though I was his slave, especially early on a morning or late at night would just make me angry. It's definitely time for a " stop bossing me around and demanding I make stroppy phone calls. I'm happy to discuss the situation calmly but I'm fed up with you getting angry at me and trying to order me around on this issue"