Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

We are currently living with my parents. When I move out I'll have to tell him that it won't be with him. I feel like it would be easier if I didn't have to navigate my parents reactions as well as his.

I haven't been posting too much because it would all be things that he does that annoy me because of his gender identity.

Congratulations on the work Misery. Try to take really good care of yourself through this part and it will get easier as you adapt. This has been a big step. Regarding break up, if meeting face to face is too hard, you also have writing a letter or email, or a phone call, if text feels too casual. Letters can be good as you can lay out what you want to say and get it just right. A friend with a difficult ex finds face to face always ends up in a row, or her getting very distressed, so she emails and can then say exactly her points without being bulldozed or manipulated.

Hi all, I've started working, I have a month's work straight up because there's such a high demand for casual teachers where I am. My anxiety is still really high, and I'm struggling but I have to keep going. I've been thinking a lot about the eventual break up, I just have no idea the best way to go about it. I know an actual conversation will be really hard for me, but I've also heard that doing it through text is a very bad way to do it, even though I would prefer that way. If I have a good plan my anxiety won't be so bad.

Hope everyone is doing well. So great that Tinsel and Social got to meet up

Very glad you could meet. I only know one other trans widow in real life, and she had a relatively easy time of it... no kids, no shared property, no disparity in income... so she basically said "See ya!" and quickly got a divorce.

I just had a small sherry actually
But it was a big deal for me. I found this thread 2015ish and it helped me enormously. To come to decisions, to realize I wasn't alone, and to survive. I owe a debt of gratitude to Tinsel for starting and maintaining it, and taking a lot of unpleasant flak over the years. Hence the tears...

Great news Misery. Its part of the road back to self confidence and freedom. Good luck.

Hi everyone, thanks for all the encouragement. I was approved to do casual teaching today, so I can start working whenever I want. Really nervous, but I know it's what I need to do.

@themiserychick, this is great, just don't let yourself get discouraged as job hunting is stressful and odds are you won't get the first job you apply for. And you can be turned down for inexplicable reasons. Please don't let that get to you, you can interview brilliantly and then not get the job because they went with an internal transfer or the budget didn't come through or some other reason that will be invisible to you.

I am proud of you, @themiserychick. That was a big step. May 2022 be your year of freedom!

I emailed the job application today. Nervous but hopeful. The other day I noticed a news update on tv saying that there's a casual teacher shortage here, which is good for me I guess. My anxiety tells me otherwise though, but I'm trying not to listen.

I really need to dig myself out of the hole I made for myself so I can start living again. There's no abuse or anything else here, and he's not really "out" to many people, but I know and it eats me up inside.

Very interesting post. I think that the current climate only highlights the few who do stay and not the "silent majority" who leave. And it's not love to deceive your spouse for years and years about who you think you are. (And that's just the more innocuous ones.) I am so grateful for the Trans Widows website and the stories you all share here. I credit them with giving me courage.

It's been an entire year now since he moved out. My children haven't seen him since the revelation more than four months ago. There have been no attempts to see them and no queries about their well-being. He has continued to pay the support. Our holidays were the most peaceful I've had in years. I may not be where I want to be financially and I'm not exactly sure what the future holds, but it's so much better than the alternative.

There have been many more revelations discovered and I am so glad to no longer have that level of deception under my roof. Even my therapist said that we would be better off if he had just died (and then caught herself and said she didn't wish him dead, of course). My response was that "I am a widow-of sorts."

@themiserychick- I know it's scary, but I would encourage you to take just one step towards independence. Whatever that is for you. Each step in the direction of freedom makes the next one easier.

One step at a time misery. Tackling that task sounds good. Just imagine how you might feel months/years down the line when you have a job and can choose where and how you live... getting there is just a series of steps. Good luck and hope you have someone to help you with it.

Thanks for sharing, reading all those "no" replies has motivated me to finish writing the statement against criteria for my job application. Once I get regular work I can start the process of moving out on my own. I dread the conversations I'll need to have though.

It's an interesting read, with quite a few posters saying their opinion on this is impacted by having read the Trans Widows Voices website. It gives me hope that future women hit with the typical emotional blackmail and asked to tolerate unacceptable spousal behavior will also benefit from your terrific site, Tinsel.

Happy new year everyone wherever you are. Hoping 2022 is better and brings positive change and opportunities for you whether you have left, are thinking about leaving, or are staying and managing these difficult and traumatic situations

@themiserychick Good to hear you're making a start despite the anxiety. I was very anxious too when I started working again, due to the trauma of the relationship, but focusing on something else for 8 hours a day and getting the commute as well as time away from the house did wonders for my brain and stress levels. Wishing you speedy progress towards a good job and one more step towards freedom.

Would be good to have someone help you look at your CV and the application and check it over Misery. Not surprising you feel anxious as work can feel like another massive burden. But I've also found work a great distraction and source of new confidence plus it's an independent part of your life that's nothing to do with your ex. It could give you a great boost if someone could maybe help you start applying.