Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

Was anyone elses partner obsessed with them? Like BEING you? I can't get my head around it. I've known some toxic men. But this is like he thinks he's me.

He outright told me once he is jealous of me and wants to be me and it kills him knowing he can't.

Everyone is noticing it and it's the main reason people are believing me.

He tells people he has the things I am diagnosed with. He tells my stories to people as if they happened to him. He sits in a flat that I decorated and he has described as being all me. He uses my old phone number despite having several unused SIM cards I know he has cuz I saw them in the mail a few times he hoards them. My shoes are still on the shelves. He's kept all my clothes. Even down to my underwear. I'm a 28A forgoodness sake no 6ft2 human will EVER fit in these clothes male or female. He still had the same nails I put on before I left (long acrylics) according to someone who saw him.

People actively asking "why's he trying to be milotic" "is it me or is he copying milotics style badly"

WTAF??

@MaureenJSL to be there for your child, you need to be there for yourself. Please make sure you get support / therapy for yourself as you can only be strong for so long. Don't use excuses - and speak to your employer as they may be able to offer a discounted or even free therapy - or your GP.
Mine ex is still living with me, and all it has done is make me dislike them even more as they are clearly only here for financial reasons/ they can't (be arsed to) get a job.

A typo in a conversation came up last night - they are wom because they no longer want to associate with being a man.

Been away from the board for a few days. Thinking of all here that are struggling and so livid about the toxic and abusive things that have been done (and continue!) to some of you.

No changes in my situation. His sibling has been told and everything is fine. No reach out to me from the sibling or their spouse to see how I and the child are doing. So guess I need to get used to that. Seems consistent with other accounts. Still waffling between wanting him gone as soon as feasible and letting him be a roommate for consistency for the child. I know it is avoidance of the needed paperwork.

Been reading a lot of reddit and may need to pull back as anger just wells up in me at the situation and how there are so many ways I’m powerless. Can’t speak up, can’t express my concerns that he’s pursuing this to avoid other issues, just can’t do so much.

Still have not looked for a therapist. I know it is badly needed but I’ve been using work and other things as an excuse. That and with all the JKR stuff I worry about finding someone I can be honest with. There is plenty outside the specific trans issue to work through but that part is still there and isn’t going anywhere. Even without that issue I’d be near my limit (not sure if I envy those who had a solid relationship and were actively in love before the ‘coming out’) but now this overshadows everything. While I’m grateful it is not a dangerous situation in my case I still want to be on the other side of it and have this all be past.

The self absorption I talked about is still there but there has been more work around the house so he’s being a bit better of a roommate. Paying more attention to the child but still seeing cases where he is busy in the phone with “the girls” and ignoring the child. Makes me sad but I’ve learned from here that their relationship is just that, theirs. All I can do is be there and be consistent for my child.

As always thank you for this space. The collective wisdom here has helped. I know I’m not losing my mind and I have much more awareness of things to look out for.

@Milotic

What a toxic human being your ex is. Sending you love.

I bought up the JKR row today and she mentioned that she thought of me when she saw it on the news. I had a good rant, finally said the rape word and that's huge progress for me. I feel like I'd been stuck for few weeks, 6 week ago, I literally couldn't say it. Now I'm like, accepting that what happened to me was rape. Even worse is knowing that I won't get justice because it's literally my word against my ex. Finally, that right now, the feeling against women who question the idea that transwomen are women, is so high, I'm unable to talk about it with my friends.

@TinselAngel I agree, by their definition, I'm a TERF. I know I'm not, but we all know, perception is everything. So in that case, after seeing the levels of abuse that JKR's received, transwomen are misandrists.

Oh and the police drove 113 miles to drop me some of my belongings off yesterday.

I had thought hed actually given me my clothes.

But no. He decided it was appropriate to pack trashed clothes to send. I showed the officers while they were here.

He has a whole wardrobe full of beautiful clothes of mine. I told the officer, who was the one who arrested him, I said now you've seen the size of me, tell me how he is ever going to fit into my clothes? He said it's clear he never will as you cannot shrink bone. He is 6ft2 with a 40inch ribcage. I am 5ft7 and I am a tiny size 6 and a shoe size 5. Him a 10.

He has NO other reason to keep them other than to continue abusing me by depriving me financially and to continue his delusion that he is me.

If they dont note that as a form of abuse after they witnessed it themselves theres something fucked in the system but other than that theyve been good.

I am livid and feeling like I have no identity again. I am sick of this person stealing my personality and image.

Well on the trans child front, cant remember if I mentioned this. My exs middle daughter is very emotionally damaged and had been copying her father's behaviour.

Before I left I'd made a decision in my head that I wasnt going to see his children again. Which saddened me but I couldnt take being gaslighted by him, nevermind off of his 5 and 7 year olds because they dont know better. And then it came.

"I'm not really a girl" "I want to be a boy" where previously it was "I like boys Jean's because they fit me better".

Happy to report a few weeks away from him and I saw pics last night of her doing things she previously claimed she didnt enjoy that were actually things HE dislikes and constantly tells her she dislikes. The same way he tells her she was abused until she repeats it.

Hopefully if he goes to prison theyll be spared any more of it as I imagine its dropped completely now away from his Influence.

Obviously I'm just transphobic to the kid as he said though.

I think you'll be okay posting on Relationships, Milotic. You can make it clear in your OP that you're looking for advice re: your ex and how to help yourself going forward rather than looking for an ideological bunfight; support thread unspoken rules then apply.

I've had to do it myself before, when the ramifications of DN3's mother's transition were becoming unmanageable. They were brilliant.

Thanks to the JKR thing, DN1 has made it clear she thinks we're all reactionary old bigots. I guess my sister did too good a job of protecting her from the details of the fiasco with her cousin's mother.

Socialworker my kids are with their dad. He knows what was going on and has been really helpful and supportive and kept them in contact with me. Ive asked to be referred to social services for myself but havent heard anything yet im assuming due to coronavirus they are prioritising people they are concerned about and theyre not concerned about my kids welfare just suporting us going forward.

Tinselangel I think i will do when ive got more confidence, i am still very wary of posting due to the trans aspect. I was labelled transphobic every single day and im still frightened of having to explain every time how much i actually did, all the hours and thousands i spent on make up, clothes and nails for him to call me a terf and a transphobe every time i complained about being treated like a dog. Its taken me 3 weeks of writing and deleting to actually just change my account and post here.

Milotic it sounds as if you need to stay away now, and make the break, as you're seeing your ex very clearly for what he is. I'm not clear where your kids are though? Sounds like you need CAB for various reasons; they are doing phone advice. I found approaching the situation like a list of jobs helpful; you need financial advice, legal advice, and presumably something to do with your kids? How old are they? Try to take this one part at a time; it sounds very rough.

Quinn and Rett I too get derailed when things like the JKR row hit the headlines; one of the challenges for me and my teenagers was to work out how we feel about 'trans issues' generally, and keep it separate from what happened to us (virtually impossible of course). It's difficult to manage the anger, which is entirely tainted by my personal anger about my personal history, and to wonder what I would have thought about these issues before my ex did what he did. It's challenging as a tolerant, left-wing person, although being a lifelong feminist helps to clarify. I try to send support to women speaking out or suffering around free speech which can feel productive on a personal level. But it's very button-pressing and can bring all the personal feelings rushing back in.

I'm fucking dreading a court case aswell by the way. If it comes to it is there any way I can stop it going in the papers?

I dont want my kids googling my name and reading about what he did to me.

Yes I am in the uk just moved area so I'm not familiar with local services.

I kept trying to leave locally but ended up being sucked back in.

100 miles distance makes that part a lot harder. I didnt think of womens aid they advised me a few times and were brilliant about the abuse in general reassuring me etc I always think of them in the pre leaving part rather than the after bit x

I also feel the need to point out. I am and always have been a trans ally. I've been part of the LGBT scene since I was 15. I am attracted majoritively to feminine presenting people.

I do not consider my ex trans. None of my trans friends behave this way and one of the people supporting me is an openly gay cross dresser. I consider my ex a narcissist who will use any tool in reach to paint himself as a victim. He came out as trans after the first time he strangled me and then got me arrested.

I have no doubt he is only continuing because hes taken it too far to just switch back like he did after his ex without it being obvious it was just a tool to torment me and steal my personality because he is jelous. He doesnt want to transition into a woman, he is an overgrown child. He wants to transition into a person who is accepted but really it's only him who cant accept himself.

His view on feminity is so warped its unreal. Whatever hes trying to be it isnt like any woman I've ever met. And I'm talking purely personality I'm not touching the physical side.

Hiya everyone. First time commenting on a trans widow thread.

I left my trans partner at the end of april after just over 2 years of abuse. I know nothing in terms of the length of time some of you have/are struggling.

This person mentally abused me, physically attacked me. And then when they knew they could get away with that after the police arrested me because of his lies and manipulation, he started sexually abusing me too.

He coerced me into selling myself. I was physically attacked and violently raped while he stood and watched. And when I had enough and my mate paid a taxi to get me away I wasnt allowed to take any of my clothes or possessions. I managed to grab my passport and one of my phones that got damaged in the struggle when he tried to take it from me before I left (even though its mine. I bought it before i lived with him).

I feel absolutely worthless. People seem to believe me. I've got a LOT of support and even people who dont like me have come forward saying they knew all along it wasnt me. But I still feel like shit.

I'm 30 and I'm on my mates sofa with nothing. Its 2 weeks til payday and I have fuck all while that cunt is sat comfortable because he hasnt had to start again from scratch.

I thought thenpolice would arrange something but they arrested him and still nothings been said about my property while I'm struggling to scrape bits together so I dont have to wear pink converse with every outfit.

He didnt even let me take my dogs ashes. My poor baby is still stuck there. I'm so glad he spent his last days with my little brother I'd never forgive myself if hed spent them watching me cry.

I hope everyones ok I've worked myself up into tears so I'll leave it there and have a catch up as I have read previous threads but I was up to about page 20 on thread 3.

If anyone knows any organisations that can help me out financially thatd be great. Obviously i can prove I've left and i have all my crime reference and rape support stuff to prove it.

Love to all xx

"My ex-husband is trans. He was trans when we got married, he was trans when we had the kids, he was trans when he raped and abused me. I can't think of those times and call him a her, nor do I think I should have to."

This whole bit was meant to say male. Don't type tired!!

He was male when we got married. He was male when we had the kids. He was male when he raped and abused me.

@QuinnMovesOn I know what you mean. It is frustrating that they can behave in such callous ways and get applauded for it. We don't get the same understanding or sympathies as we would had they cheated on us and expected us to accept it, and possibly a 3rd person into our marriage. Instead we get told that they are the same person, just expressing themselves truly, so we shouldn't feel any differently about them and should just accept that change in our reality and be happy for them. :(

Eggotchi that was so hard to read and I am so sorry. I'm not a trans widow, just a person who looks in from time to time to offer you all encouragement.

What i really wanted to say was do not feel you need to engage on social media, to read or comment etc. Presumably your work is not actually in social media so reading all this stuff is something you may do in your spare time. Maybe try and not engage or give it head space.

Your kids seem to know what is what. Well done for raising them so well in such tough circumstances.

I hope you are able to access some ongoing counselling for the rape and abuse. Is this is what you feel would help.

Eggotchi, my deepest sympathies, it sounds like you're handling an awful situation as best you can.

I don't know that we ever fully get over this. I've been reading a book about adultery, "How Can I Forgive You?", which makes me feel that this is a similar betrayal of a marriage. Except adulterers don't get the "stunning and brave" label in our society, at least not yet.