Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

This part of the US election actually is relevant to this thread. nypost.com/2020/11/03/delaware-elects-sarah-mcbride-first-openly-trans-state-senator-in-the-us/

For us Christmas (or in fact any holiday or not his birthday or other family event) was much much nicer without him. He always had some sort of narcissistic rage tantrum and spoilt it for everyone.

Agree. The wound closes over the gap; it doesn't disappear but you reform a life together without them.
We did the same; I was full of dread about the first Christmas and to a degree, subsequent ones. I aimed to create something different, not the same-with-someone-missing.

Christmas generally is tough for any family where someone has gone or changed fundamentally. I'll be thinking of everyone this year.

@SouthernTW, it's taken time, but we've come up with new family events that replace what we used to do when my ex was part of our family. Some of it are small things that I maybe would have thought were insignificant, like getting takeout for dinner that are cuisines he won't eat, but are now part of our family routines. There are many times when I wish we could be a family again like we were before, but over time, we're rebuilding as a smaller family.

@TinselAngel- honestly, I wasn't 100% sure, so I did a little research. It seems like each state in the U.S. has a different rule for changing birth certificates. A handful don't allow the changing of sex at all. Other states allow it with judicial process. It seems like most require a court petition and some sort of medical validation that the person is now living as the opposite sex or has had a sex reassignment surgery (varies by state). Name changes are a bit different, but also require a court petition.

@socialworker222- I think I may have to steal your idea of the unflattering photos. I took my wedding photos down and replaced with pictures of just the kids. I intend to keep them all, but pack them up.

Spouse has started in with his "butt looks fat." His butt has never been fat even when the rest of him has been. I feel like he's co-opting the language of his "online trans friends" to sound what he thinks is feminine. Which is beyond annoying.

I took the kids out trick or treating for the first time on Saturday for Halloween. (Our neighborhood did a socially-distanced version leaving items outside on table, etc. for kids to pick up.) Previously, it had always been spouse who takes them while I stay home. But he had eye surgery (cosmetic) so couldn't this year. I feel like it was a momentous first step for pushing him out of our daily lives. But then there's still a part of me (the dumb, not-living-in-reality part) that holds onto a tiny particle of hope that maybe he will change his mind about all of this nonsense.

Photos and videos are very hard; videos particularly so as they have a voice recording. We clicked on some iPad video footage not realizing you could hear Dad's voice, and mine found it very upsetting. I was left with all the paper pictures, and have had to go through them several times, gradually weeding them out/filing them. I created albums which my kids can flick through without seeing him, which they find unbearable. The weeded-out photos have been packed up and labelled carefully in case they want them in the future. And all the framed pictures were swapped out. He really has been edited out of our lives by his own hand.
The pictures themselves are a very strange representation of a person who no longer exists; interestingly despite protesting to be the same, that person doesn't want any of them, or any outward sign of his previous life. I find the pictures very sad; I wonder who that person was and how I had no idea at all.
And on a lighter note, he is very vain about his weight, so I confess to weeding 'in' the least attractive, most 'fat' photos of him, to put away for the future. Small moments of amusement

I've been watching these struggles you all in the UK are having with the GRA. This concept of self ID is pretty crazy. Since when do people just get to say who they are?

Ok

@QuinnMovesOn I often wonder how DS will be as he ages (just now starting school so young now). The self obsession/absorption is high with ‘dad’ right now and DS notices the lack of interaction.

@SouthernTW the pictures from when DS was smaller crush me. That person is gone and the one here now barely interacts. No idea how it will be for DS to see those photos and videos when older.

@socialworker222, I am not seeing much of the "forgive and reconcile with abusive and inadequate fathers". What I see with my children, now that they have become adults, is that they are making their own decision as to how much they want to be with the other parent or with me. And they're spending very minimal time with the other parent. Which makes me sad, but there's nothing I can do about that, even if I wanted to.

Very sorry to hear that Kicking. My ex's treatment of his children was the last straw and is why I have no contact with him. Not sure how it's forgivable but I'd be interested to know. My youngest remembers being angry and bewildered when Dad changed back to 'man' mode to take them to his parents (who bankrolled him believing it was a phase and I was in fact making a mistake asking him to leave). He'd spent the weekend dressed up with the kids, no discussion, preparation or explanation, then just switched back. Youngest was both bewildered and angry that it was somehow okay to dress up with them (meaning they didn't leave his place as she was so.embarrassed, for entire weekends), but he was somehow able to tolerate the terrible distress of going 'man' to placate funding parents. Many kids forgive and reconcile with abusive and inadequate fathers, and it's hard for the women in those relationships to forgive as easily, having witnessed and compensated for that crap parenting.

Hello all. It has been some time since I’ve posted. Got very busy with work and child and generally overworking to avoid the hole mess.

Getting caught up on the thread I see so many familiar things. Obsession with the scale (constantly using it all hours of the day), constant online/phone with new friends (any others hear them on the phone for 5-7 hours at a time? How? online groups and now direct calls with new friends sometimes about all the drama in the chat rooms), neglect of children and household tasks (not utterly complete here but well enough to be noticeable), loss of trust, loss of respect, conforming only counselor, expensive laser, not working, still spending, narcissistic behavior, the feeling of so much anger.

Most days things are civil enough. Been reading now enough about narcissism to do better at not being baited. Some days some help happens around the house and with the child but it at their whim. Must be nice to choose to ignore all responsibility and take the entire day to do nails. The person I first met I feel was fake. Some of the interests and humor are still the same but the person in my home now...not even factoring in the transition related activities...I wouldn’t chose to befriend let along have had a romantic relationship with.

@KickingBishopBrennanUpTheArrse- that is so terrible about your daughter. The poor kid. I remain flabbergasted that fathers can do this to their children.

I am VERY concerned about the rewriting of our history. It's making me extremely hesitant to toss things that I probably would in a more ordinary separation situation- like letters he wrote at the beginning our relationship, photos, etc. It's almost like I want to hang onto the evidence so I'm not crazy.
My daughter mentioned something about not remembering Daddy with short hair (he hasn't had a hair cut since March and used to wear it buzzed) and it crushed me.

Sorry accidentally clicked post.

My DD who had a mental health crisis when ex picked her up as a man on Friday night and dressed as a woman Saturday morning and took her out with his new trans mates was supported by CAMHS, CAFCASS & Family Support. They described it as a reaction to a sudden bereavement. Even though we were separated at the time it felt like that to me too. I bereaved the death of that person I thought I knew and thanks to their tendency to rewrite history, our 10 year marriage was deleted because they'd "always been a woman".

My DD who had a mental health Fr

I understand the death aspect and in a way found it helpful. That there were two distinct people, and two distinct relationships with me, drew a line under that part of my life and cleared my f*ed-with head. It's probably easier for me as I have no contact with him (apart from shocking and upsetting sightings) and can feel I have moved on after losing someone and a marriage. Living with the half and half, the man with the weird orange make up, the short skirts, would be a very different experience. Most people with kids have to have some contact but I imagine even if I did I would keep myself as apart as possible. Less painful, self-preservation. If you can separate the two people, and the two halves of your life, it may help. And certainly being very civil worked for me. I kept the moral high ground and did little that could be criticized by him or his pretty awful family. Whatever works for you.

No, not there. I told him he can kiss and hug me, but I'm not messing with my head any further. Because he doesn't want to have mutually satisfactory intercourse where I don't have to avoid touching certain parts of him, I can't continue the mess it makes of my head.

It's more of a mindset. I am going to grieve the loss. I tell him I love you and I will miss you. Just as if he were dying.