Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

@QuinnMovesOn People just don't think these things through, and it's upsetting and frustrating. Is there anyone who could post a response on the same website? Hopefully the name changes won't happen anyway, but at least it will be a chance to put an alternative viewpoint out there.

Surely that's the same etiquette as work published by a woman who later married and took her husband's name: work published before the date of the name-change remains in the original name.

Jan Morris' publications before transition are by James Morris: the announcement of the successful ascent of Everest was not made by Jan Morris, but by James Morris.

Coming here to vent because there's nowhere else I can do so (and always, many thanks to Tinsel and Mumsnet for providing this safe and anonymous forum!)

My ex and I are relatively well-known in our field for professional projects we did together. Some idiot on a website is talking about one of those projects, says that the site should be rewritten to use my ex's current female name for the work we did together 20 years ago as a married couple. I am just furious that someone thinks this is even vaguely okay, to completely rewrite MY history and who I married, out of some stupid sense of political correctness.

I'm not going to publicly comment on this, because I do have to be very careful about what I say about my trans ex under my own name, but I am just furious over this nonsense.

Thanks for listening to the rant!

@socialworker222 Thanks, that's all really helpful. I'm sorry your children had to go through this, but it sounds as though they have reached the age where they can process it. You're right, it doesn't matter what he's doing or wearing or calling himself now, the point is he left. I will continue to try to comfort my DC and when lockdown lifts let them visit with friends and have lots of nice experiences. I don't have family nearby and the DC don't get much enjoyment from phone or skype conversations. But I do remind them that their grandparents love them very much and that they are fortunate to have them. When I tell them that other children in their school live with just their mums they say but at least they see their dads which is true. But there are also children with no parents at all. All of that they understand and for the most part they are fine, but occasionally, like last night, it all came out :(

Really difficult Cannons and depends on the age of the children I think. I kept bringing 'Dad' up when he'd gone, so it felt normal, and he hadn't been erased or disappeared (he managed to make that happen without any help from me). In some ways I don't think you need to deal with the 'trans' element of this - it's like any other situation where a man leaves his family right now. The issue of who he now is, what he wears and does, is going to be for him to deal with.
Over time I've stopped mentioning him, and as they get older they will work out what they want to do about him.
Probably helpful to validate how they feel (it must be hard, it's very sad isn't it, it's okay to feel angry/sad) and you will have to say that you don't know when they will see him again. You can note that lots of people live without a Daddy at home and do just fine. But you can't make it not have happened, or not devastate your children. It's really hard to see their pain up-close.
They need other people in their lives to be actively involved and take pressure off you, and distractions galore.
Your penultimate paragraph could have been written by my youngest child, who cannot believe a parent would do this to children. My ex was utterly entitled, presumptuous and took everyone around him for granted; it's unforgivable not to properly engage with children, explain, answer difficult questions, and get the brunt of their pain and anger. So many men are cowards and just run away leaving, guess who, Mum to sort it out.
But they will be okay. It's a tough road, but they have you.
Re. photos, I wouldn't churn it up unless they ask to see them, or you end up by chance looking at them. You can explain their childhoods to this point, and who he was... after that it's entirely his task.

Last night DC started to cry all of a sudden saying they miss their dad, they can't remember what he looks like, will they ever see him again, can they speak to him for just 5 minutes. I tried to soothe them but it felt empty as I couldn't tell them anything helpful. They asked if I have his phone number which I don't. But even if I did a 5 minute conversation isn't just that. It leads to hopes and expectations of more which cannot be delivered.

I did a bit of digging to see if maybe he has detransitioned, as he surely will once the attention and validation stop. But he hasn't.

What can I say to my DC? The truth is that they may never see their dad again. I can't predict what he will do, but I am hoping the time will come when the DC realise that he isn't worth shedding tears over. When I was little I loved a person who disappeared from my life. It wasn't until I was 15 that it suddenly occurred to me that the person clearly didn't care about me or they wouldn't have gone away. I never cried again after that.

If you really love a child surely you put their needs first? I just can't understand it. Does he not wonder how the DC are feeling or getting on in life? I mean, wtf? How can a person do such an abrupt about turn that it's as if nothing and no one in their previous life existed. How cruel.

Should I show them photos of how he was, and focus on the memories? Would that be helpful or would it make it worse? Do I bring him up in conversation in a normal way, or avoid mentioning him? I don't know what to do for the best.

I would say that we should NEVER believe a single thing they say. They say whatever they need to say in that moment to get what they want or to get people off their backs.

It's a tricky balance isn't it? I certainly ensured that my ex announced the news, not me, so that it was very much his responsibility. I did all the work around it (working out timing, introducing the news and immediately saying it was not an issue to do with them or me before handing over to him). I then made it very clear when I asked him to leave and initiated divorce that it was my decision (my ex wanted to stay), so that my kids new transparently exactly where the different responsibilities lay. Generally the entrenched lore with break-ups is that no'one badmouths the other, but I think it's also important, particularly with older children, to be calmly transparent about exactly what happened... good luck Southern

@TinselAngel- I think the idea is not to create blame for either side as far as the kids are concerned. To keep it neutral- we (parents) can no longer live together. Which is technically true.

Surprisingly, during the counseling session, spouse owned his past bad behavior and didn't attempt to blame shift. But it really doesn't matter much at this point. I just need to get off his roller coaster and have some peace on a daily basis.

One of the tasks the family counselor gave us was to each write out separately how we would tell the kids about him moving out. My ideal of "Daddy is selfish and is leaving us" probably isn't going to cut it.

@TinselAngel- I hope it hurts like hell.

@HollywoodTease- he will be moving out after the first of the year. We will tell the kids that he's moving out after Christmas. That's all we are telling them at this point. I so understand your feeling of just being emotionally empty. It's as if these ridiculous men have literally sucked the lives out of us.

Still quiet here.

He still won't talk to me about it, but to all outward appearances appears to have stopped. The snake-oil pills he bought off the internet have been disposed of in front of me. The maid outfit likewise. I think he still has some shoes/boots hidden, waiting to see what happens with those.

Our sex life is coming back. Slowly. Didn't realise quite how bad it had got until it started to improve. We've gone from once or twice a year (seriously) when he could barely get an erection to a couple of times a month, and I think it's helped some closeness come back to a degree. Which is good, but also bad because I have realised just how much time he must have spent wanking with his toys and/or outfits. All while I was lying next to him every night feeling totally rejected and unloved because even if I tried to start anything he couldn't get it up.

He's trying really hard to (I think) just pretend it never happened and he hasn't been dicking about with this behind my back for the last 4 or 5 years.

Thing is, I just don't trust him. I've seen so many times on here about the purge then binge again, and part of me is holding back and waiting for that. I feel like I'm in limbo still. I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for something else that he's been careless about pop up and blow my peace of mind to bits again.

I don't love him. That's the bottom line I think, he has killed all the love I had for him and I don't think I can get that back. I can muddle along with him out of habit though, as long as he's not lying to me. I'm not interested in the thought of anyone else, I still like him but I'm just emotionally empty.

Southern, how long til you can get yours out of the house? It seems he's pushing the boundaries back further all the time and it's so unfair to you.

Yup. Definitely called it, @TinselAngel.

It's not even the money. He outright lied to my face about it too because he said he was getting it waxed and waiting on the laser. I hate lying more than anything. I may have lots of faults. But I never lie. Not even white lies to be polite. Strange trait in a lawyer, I know.

Definitely still the same person over here- apparently a manipulative and selfish liar. I found out that, of course, he is still lying and hiding things. Spending money he said he wasn't on laser hair removal.

Therapy is lovely because it's a great reminder that I can't fix him. I just wish I could remove my children from his sphere of deception.

@SouthernTW our spouses seem very similar. During one of the obsessive amount of scale checks there was a “oh let’s see how overweight I am today” comments. I am also in the US.

@socialworker222 that sometimes is what hurts the most...they claim to be the same person but the person in those photos is completely different and not just in how they look on the outside.

Odd comment about hair recently. Almost seemed like competitive to be “more” womanly to have longer hair. Presuming that this type of thing is not uncommon. It’s exhausting.

I guess the senator-elect had a spouse who died from cancer. The spouse was a trans man (biological female).