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Original poster

Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

945 replies

TinselAngel · 06/01/2019 12:47

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity" Hmm

If you are in that position-

  1. You are not alone
  2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
  3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.
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StartAgainat60 · 09/01/2019 15:41

I can say I am already feeling better regarding my future without this constant angst in my life. He wants us both to go to the supermarket etc as two women- he is over six foot and I am 5'2. He doesn't understand how uncomfortable that would be for me!!. I have said it til I'm blue in the face that it isn't going to happen. As I have read, There is life beyond this madness, go find it.
Thank you MNetters for your support and inspiration.

Leggedit · 09/01/2019 15:17

Hi,
I am here via the Woman's Hour piece (thank you Michelle if you lurk).
I won't go into too many details but I too am a transwidow; a few years out of a long marriage with adult children. My ex transitioned and has had surgery. We are on reasonably friendly terms but I find the victimhood and self obsession tiresome at times.
Life is much more peaceful now with no chaos or drama. I do sometimes feel sad for the life I thought I was going to have and for the impact on the children, although they seem to have coped admirably. However I am well out of it, having had the usual internal debate about whether I should try to stay and support, etc. I was subjected to the same old story of boundary pushing, narcissism, suicide threats etc.
I am glad of any support for wives/partners of people going through this. I did get a lot of moral support from the WOBS online group but it's virtually folded now I believe.
I really feel for people in the throes of this as it is awful. I sometimes try to tell myself that women get divorced all the time but there is something particular to this scenario.
I also genuinely feel sorry for anyone who is trans in this current climate: internet cheerleaders encouraging surgery, radical activists shutting down intelligent debate and even research. I think that in the future, society will consider hormones and surgery to be a barbaric treatment. I do not envy parents of youngsters with trans issues.
I wish you all well with what you are contending with and for me, getting out was the best decision, even though I was the one who had to make it. As a friend said to me 'he's leaving you really'.

StartAgainat60 · 09/01/2019 04:17

Hi. Thanks for the new post.
I've messaged months ago.

Still in it. But talking serious separation. DH is suffering mentally and has been trying to hold it together living a double life. DH at home and femme while away on business.
Just had the most awful Christmas.
I haven't been strong enough to move on with my life.
But just last night, we had the separation talk and planning to sell the house.
Neither of us has wanted the alternative. But my mental wellbeing is suffering. So exhausting living with a Transhusband.
How does it look like on the single side of life? And can you ever leave the past behind?

Original poster
TinselAngel · 08/01/2019 18:49

I just listened to the Woman's Hour piece is it's very similar to my own story.

If you've been lurking around here "Michelle", thanks so much for telling your story. Thanks

I'm so sad and angry about how our voices are hidden and silenced so we have to be anonymous, but theirs are brave and stunning and bloody everywhere.

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nojellybabies · 08/01/2019 10:40

Great interview on women’s hour right now

FWRLurker · 08/01/2019 05:01

Lies, concealment, compromise, boundary pushing, further compromise, more lies and boundary pushing is the pattern I have observed.

One good thing I can say about my experience is that he never lied about the gender stuff. He told me about it from the moment he first had an inkling and I was there with him throughout. For example, he never cross dressed without my knowledge/permission - he told me the very night he did it the first time. He's lied to me about other things (drinking) but not this.

I'm really sorry about your narcissistic abusive partner that lies, gaslights you, and pushes your boundaries. That's unacceptable. It seems that there is a pattern - either many narcissists like the idea of taking over their wife's life in the most literal way possible, OR that having to live the deception that they are actually a woman makes them into liars in other aspects of life.

QuietContraryMary · 08/01/2019 02:06

Bit here

www.plymouthherald.co.uk/news/plymouth-news/princess-purple-banned-plymouth-scaring-2402752

A bit confusing but basically TW given suspended jail sentence for harassing wife. Also refuses to sign divorce papers.

Badgerthebodger · 07/01/2019 23:35

I just wanted to pop in and say I’m thinking of you all. I don’t like to comment really as it’s not a thread for me, but I do want you all to know how much I admire your grace and your courage. You are all wonderful women and I hope you all find happiness for yourselves. Oldermum stay safe Flowers for you all.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 07/01/2019 23:26

But don't do anything that will jeopardise your safety Older Thanks

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Original poster
TinselAngel · 07/01/2019 23:22

I'd recommend Lundy Bancroft too if that's available on Kindle- you can also use the Kindle app on a phone.

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Oldermum156 · 07/01/2019 23:16

Hi, nice to see the new thread! I can't be on during the weekend much, he is home all weekend and I have no privacy at all.
I could get the book on a kindle through one of the credit cards in my name only, I did that with another non-approved book once (Sheila Jeffries, a forbidden name round here). My kindle is hidden at the bottom of a junk drawer.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 07/01/2019 22:17

Well we say "fuck off" to any such lurkers around here, so don't worry about that.

If you've genuinely both managed to move on and you're both happy with that then that's great.

I thought I was at the same stage on more than one occasion in my marriage, but then he started doing it again. He'd never got as far as hormones etc though as it's a lengthier process in the UK. He started the hormones shortly after we split.

I don't hold myself up as an expert, but just steel yourself Lurker that it might not be over, as it generally isn't.

Lies, concealment, compromise, boundary pushing, further compromise, more lies and boundary pushing is the pattern I have observed.

I'd be interested to know if the pattern was the same for you in the lead up to his eventually aborted transition, but understand if you don't want to rake over it all. Thanks

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FWRLurker · 07/01/2019 21:48

I hadn't registered that your husband desisted and that you are still together Lurker. Does he engage in any cross dressing etc now?

Nope. I honestly wouldn't care if he did. And, no, if lurkers are watching, I didn't bully or coerce him in any way to desist. I used the names and pronouns he asked me to, I was polite and empathetic and tried my best to understand his PoV and was 100% onboard the lib fem trans train. I even told him I wasn't sure if I could stay attracted to him after he became a woman since I'm straight facepalm.

I did ask some innocent questions about my own childhood as a tomboy really hoping he could explain how that was different than what he experienced. He couldn't.

I changed my view mostly based on reading and listening to stories form other women who had been in my situation, only had it worse. There was a transwidow story on feminist current from a year or so ago that really peaked me...

Original poster
TinselAngel · 07/01/2019 20:42

I hadn't registered that your husband desisted and that you are still together Lurker. Does he engage in any cross dressing etc now?

I should also reintroduce myself. I'm over five years on from leaving my ex husband who transitioned shortly after we split.

What I remember most are the lies, the continual boundary pushing and the gradual escalation into complete self obsession.

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FWRLurker · 07/01/2019 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2019 20:06

TinselAngel well done for creating this second thread.

As you know I am not a trans widow but very supportive of all of you. I lurk and de-lurk as I feel is appropriate and I hope anything I say is appropriate and encouraging, because my main reason for being here is I just hate injustice and want you fabulous women to live the best lives you can, always. Thanks

Scientistranswidow · 07/01/2019 17:36

It is 12 years since my now ex-husband left us, saying simply "It's true. I'm a transsexual", nothing more. But I can remember the unexplained taunting with rebukes ("gas-lighting"), the surliness, the immaturity, the capriciousness of his behaviour as if it was yesterday. I was so floored by his insanity that at the end I meekly accepted a conviction for common assault when it was HE who had assaulted ME - occasioning Actual Bodily Harm! It takes a long time to regain calm and belief in yourself.

socialworker222 · 07/01/2019 10:45

Welcome everyone; this has been such a helpful thread for me. I hope it helps you too.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 06/01/2019 12:47

Here is a link to the original thread:
Trans Widows escape committee www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3101834-trans-widows-escape-committee

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