Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

I just found this post after seeing the one on relationships - thanks @TinselAngel.

I wish I'd known you were here a year ago when I realised I didn't have a future with my 'DH' after 19 years of lies and deception around agp and cross dressing.

We also had an undiagnosed ASD (his) into the mix which explained to an extent why he was completely unable to understand that I could have different feelings about something (cd) than him.

I am grateful that i found the strength (with much support) to separate but I still worry about what the future holds. We have a preteen daughter and I know he wears his special clothes very often (probably most days) now that we don't live together.

I don't know if/when she will 'find' them and how that will affect her. She lives with me but she visits him and stays over at his sometimes. I've asked him to be discreet and not show her anything but he drinks and gets forgetful sometimes. He is definitely supported online by a community and tells me I'm narrow minded and a horrible person for not letting him do exactly what he wants and when...... apparently I'm not allowed to have an opinion!

Thank you for listening

No, he doesn't go away for work or leisure.

As for his hobbies, I don't want to be outing, but think buying a car and then just needing petrol. The petrol goes on our joint credit card and then he pays it back within a week from his spends. So he does have some money that I don't know where it goes (do now obviously!) but not a great amount.

tinsel he is high earning but I have access to all of our money. We agreed a long time ago that I would manage our joint account and then we both have around £200/250 a month go into our own accounts for personal spends. He has some expensive 'legit' hobbies that he spends his money on so probably doesn't actually have that much left for this. I have been through his account and seen where his money has gone recently.

Sheila Jeffries has just being speaking about the impact on wives / female partners and families when adult males announce they are women

www.facebook.com/WLRNews4Women/

This is at the launch of Declaration of Women's Sex-Based Rights in New York.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3526970-Declaration-on-womens-sex-based-rights

Toomanytears I'm so sorry for your situation.

I started a thread on relationship's last night as my dh of 20 years had just told me that he liked wearing women's clothes and some lovely posters directed me here. I read through but thought this was too 'much' for me as my dh only occasionally wears a pair of knickers. Anyway today I have been hunting for his stuff, there's body shaping underwear, a wig and shoes that have definitely been worn outside. I know there's no going back. Our marriage is over.

Iworkmiricles you sound well-placed to calmly work out a plan. And if this is the next in a long line of crap you have tolerated, that helps to form your resolve. Are your kids young? It helped me to be massively pragmatic ... Money, job, house, kids. Decide what outcome you want. You are probably calmer and more rational than him so you can keep control of the plan. Knowing what you want is the central thing. There is lots of support and advice here. Without being hippyish/creepy, it feels at time like love and care for other women going through what is for many simply a nightmare. Oh and nothing 'weird' about wanting someone you fancy to get close to.... We all deserve that after sharing our lives with and trusting these inadequate and self-centred men. So talk to us if you want help with anything. And all credit to you for your resolve and strength.

Iworkmiricles excellent user name. You sound like you are getting your strength back after years of hassle. I'm not a trans widow but you have my admiration.

So I am new on here, but the woman's hour transcript is so like my story, though mine isn't complete. I haven't made it clear I want him to move out, but I don't know if he is going like it. Our children still don't know, I have known for over a year, he isn't presenting as female at all at the moment, though I suspect he does when we are out. He has one more psychological assessment, and the next stage is hormones. I have financially supported him for years, because of the depression and emotional turmoil, he hasn't' worked for years. There is no aggression, no arguments, then again, not much discussion either. I don't want it to be nasty, I just want it to happen. I am coming more and more to the reality that if he can make changes, I can't just take it, like I have taken so much other rubbish in my life with him. I have to make changes too. Weirdly, the one thing I want from this is to find myself a new man, that is a man, that I find attractive, that I can cuddle up to, that physically is there for me, as well as emotionally. This probably doesn't make much sense, much of my ramblings don't. I have always known I am not the only one, but I am hoping with support from other widows I will have the strength to react with strength.

Imablackstarnotapopstar your poor daughter, and poor you

I just finished watching 'The making of me', found the wives predicament particularly hard to watch. That 'phrase' I'd marry me' & the obliviousness to their friends discomfort were telling

With the middle aged transitioners the need to be seen as sexually desirable women came across very strongly. Which is unfortunate for them, it's a hard enough aim as a middle aged woman.

I was surprised no mention was made of the Scottish transmans hair turning grey after a year on T, shame it was such a nice colour before.

cadanita1 I'm glad you found your way here and some support.

Senterkitten that is so hard. We have a trans identifying youth in the family.

imablackstarnotapopstar that is heartbreaking.

My daughter was 7 at the time. We were already separated so I was clueless of his secret (at the time) life until I got an email late one Saturday night when he had her staying to tell me he was now a woman, had dressed as a woman that day and taken her out with his new friends and she was fine with it all. She came home the next day hysterically sobbing and refused to see him for a year. I arranged a family support worker who saw her weekly at school, she saw a Cafcass social worker, a "relaxed kids" therapist and Cafcass. She totally shut down. Eventually after a year and a half she agreed to see him for a few hours on a Sunday with stipulations about what he's allowed to wear but still won't stay overnight with him. She's gradually being coached by him to call him she and that she's "fine with that" whenever she mentions his behaviour but yes she's needed a lot of support and still does now she's almost 10.

Sorry abuse (only in my view)

Hi. If you can't SAY it you could email, write or text... I found it really hard to say the words. But I would still pick someone to try it out. Yes my kids are badly affected.the one who was 12 (FFS) has had various problems (depression, derealization, trauma (told me she feared her father might 'rape her' or try to wear her clothes because he was so 'creepy' and at no point talked to them, prepared/warned them as he made his changes... He had agreed to do it slowly and collaboratively but just did it including posting pics she saw without warning)(hence my homicidal rage). He worked at the time with children and young people (having previously been in IT btw)!!! They quickly stopped wanting to stay over and had he challenged it I would have gone to SS. Anyway she ended up with anxiety and was referred to CAMHS but a wonderful relative helped pay for private CBT which is helping but I believe she has significant trauma. Plus I suspect she found porn/toys/God know what at his flat. I worry for her going forward. His (only view) emotional abuse of his children is what I struggle to move on from. What helps a bit us to see him as a woefully inadequate f*ed-up adult/parent who is incapable of empathy or mature ways of relating and is kind of a useless human being. (But most of the time I hate him 🤬). I would take a risk with one person and open up. I could not have managed this without friends and family knowing... I owe them hours and hours of listening to me.

Hi socialworker
I just feel so embarrassed I think.
I just can't find the words to tell them that the person they thought they knew would be the person he has turned out to be!.
I think I will have a lot of friends walk away.
The most common reason, people think he has gone off with someone (they will never guess he has gone off with someone!, being his alter ego self).
I despise him.
Did any of your children need counseling?

Thanks for being there.

I'm so sick of all this trans stuff! My husband told my 13 year old son he is going to start wearing dresses when he drops them off at boy scouts.
He keeps telling me, and them the world is changing, and no one cares if you're trans. My heart breaks for my kids. No kid should have deal with this. Every trans group tells the parent "kids adapt easier" They don't. They are good at hiding their feeling.
Now my 15 year old daughter is telling me she is a boy, she doesn't want to be a girl anymore.

Hi Start I'd say take the plunge and pick a close friend to tell what's really going on. You will feel so much less isolated and great relief when friends know. Most of mine were 100% supportive and the couple who took my ex's side, and the few who weirdly disappeared (apparently common with divorce regardless of the reason) I concluded weren't such good friends after all. It is hard to say out loud but you don't have anything to be ashamed of. What stops you telling friends the truth,?

And I'd be delighted to contribute to a book. If you don't want to keep the money donate it to a women's refuge in your area?

I'm having psychotherapy for complex ptsd resulting from narcissistic abuse. The trans identity was the newest and only a small part of the whole of the abuse I suffered. My therapist who specialises in narcissistic abuse says she is coming across more and more women who are trans widows and also victims of narcissistic abuse. It's becoming obvious it's just another way they can adore themselves and abuse women whilst being protected from criticism themselves.

Or that posting elsewhere might be too exposing....