Aspie teen says he's trans, looking for advice.

OP you have my every sympathy. I know you will, but just keep on reminding him how very much you love him. Xx

Autist here with one Autist kid from three. Been stalking as wanted to understand this groups views on this topic. From my preplanning research; i'd recommend you offer him two months of N-Acetyl Cysteine (NAC) supplements in exchange for a new video game or other incentive, then see where you are after that.

How about pointing him towards role models of men who challenge toxic masculinity?
People like Sir Patrick Stewart, Ryan & Luke Hart.

Mermaids are a parent support group who have somehow gained an awful lot of power and influence.
Stonewall are an organisation set up to support gay men and lesbians, that have turned into a trans lobbying group, I suspect in order to continue raking in their enormous income and thus keeping salaries going.
Gendered intelligence? Lack of intelligence more like.

@sky

Don't be obtuse, trans supports the enforcing of toxic gender roles. Men can wear a dress and still be a man. Why else would a 6ft 4 bearded trucker call Dave feel the need to wear pink lipstick and a wig and be called Sharron to be in touch with his wimminy feels. He could just wear the wog, be a man and support other men but that takes courage as it is still judged. But Nothing, NOTHING about being a woman involves the paint and perfume style fripperies that men seem to think it does.

Skyzalimit

Are jelly babies internationally agreed best practice?

Feel free to ignore Gendered Intelligence, Mermaids and Stonewall if you want to exclude the advice of people with years of expertise and who are in line with most internationally agreed best practice.

Mermaids training for teachers etc (transcript pg 10)
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3454658-recording-of-mermaids-training?pg=10

Hi Jamrollyolly

Feel free to ignore Gendered Intelligence, Mermaids and Stonewall if you want to exclude the advice of people with years of expertise and who are in line with most internationally agreed best practice.

My advice is to read everything out there, not just material related to one point of view.

Your kid may or may not be trans, but do be careful you don't get caught up in the advice of people who aren't thinking about your child specifically and who may try to convince you to ignore the real needs of your child to be heard and taken seriously.

I started a thread about my son a few months ago. We had a horrid few years where my ASD son so was so confused he was on suicide watch and couldn't even get anti depressants. Thankfully it turned out fine for us in the end but it took a great private counsellor and a lot of patience and understanding. He is no longer displaying any "typical" feminine traits and has ditched eye liner etc but still has long hair and is very very firmly gay. He is still with his boyfriend and the longer they are together, the more comfortable/at ease he seems in his "gayness".....he even invited his boyfriend to our family boxing day party which is a MASSIVE step that shows his increasing comfort with his new sense of self.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3396488-Exactly-like-TGT-said-it-would-work-out

My son is not a toxic male and will never be a toxic male. He may struggle to understand other people's emotions occasionally but he knows that he needs to treat everybody the way he would expect to be treated and his manners are impeccable. He will stand up for the people that are weaker than him and the people that do not have a voice. He knows what is right.

Your son can be, wear and achieve anything he wants and still be a man. But he can not become a woman. But that is fine, women need good men on their side to call out the bad behaviour of the toxic males.

Is there a way you can gently point out to him that males (the dominant sex class) appropriating the identity of females (the dominated sex class) is actually just a new version of the same old toxic masculinity?

This. Show him the video of the thug going apeshit over misgendering and ask him where he thinks the toxic masculinity really resides.

FWIW from a random on the internet OP, I think he’s very lucky to have a mum like you.

He says he doesn't want to be a toxic male.

Is there a way you can gently point out to him that males (the dominant sex class) appropriating the identity of females (the dominated sex class) is actually just a new version of the same old toxic masculinity?

Being male is of course not in and of itself toxic. Hammer that point home. And males who are prepared to try to develop understanding of what actual females have to deal with in a misogynist society are very, very much needed. Aspiring to be a non-toxic male is a very worthwhile endeavour.

Obviously difficult concepts to get over to a troubled, sensitive, teenage Aspie boy, and obviously got to be done without shaming or blaming him in any way - but if he really, really doesn’t want to be a toxic male, is this something you could explore with him?

One issue for aspie kids / teens is that they don’t pick up social behaviours automatically like NTs. They learn by studying others carefully and copying them. So if their main role models are Trans kids or TRA online then they will copy and identify with them.

Same if their peers are mostly goths etc.

Aspie kids have trouble finding their tribe and it’s easy to think that trans ideology explains their problems with fitting in. Which of course is normal for all teens and especially for aspies.

Both my aspie teens have rejected some aspects of gender / are slightly non conforming but they are both clear that they are the correct sex. One is sure they are straight and the other is not sure / maybe bi. They know it’s fine whatever.

It helps they are both super rational / into science and logic so know that people can’t change sex. They don’t believe in lady brain etc.

Both are happy not being NT ( most of the time ) and accept that some people see them as weird / different.

It sounds like the OPs son is just rejecting some aspects of gender roles, which sounds like a pretty intelligent thing to do as it’s all bollocks.

And of course gender is totally separate from sexual orientation , as people of any gender or none can be attracted to both sexes. It sounds like he is confusing these two things.

www.transgendertrend.com/speech-language-assessment-autism-and-transition/

This article has some thoughtful insights into the role of language and pragmatics which are interesting in the context of autism and gender dysphoria.
I guess frank and open discussions are your way forwards.

The NAS severed ties and then bowed to extreme and aggressive pressure. Unfortunately.

As an autistic teenager I didn’t fit anywhere, I’d have been profoundly vulnerable to pressure and aggressive recruitment tactics. I’ll make damn sure my kids aren’t!

Why on earth are the NAS listing that bunch of creepy people as advice ? It is horrifying how many autistic teens are falling for this, really tragic when you think of the possible outcome. With the head of mermaids sayingthat it doesnt matter if some children end up trans who would otherwise have desisted as being “ trans is not a negative outcome” ... if a lifelong reliance on drugs, body mutilation, sterility and damage to sexual function isn’t a negative outcome then I don’t know what is.

Greetings Jam

I was about to suggest that you contact the National Autistic Society but I see they're still listing Mermaids and Stonewall as sources of advice . As other posters have advised, stay well away from them!

I wish you and your son well.

Daughter of a friend, who is possibly aspie, going through the same thing☹️. Puberty and teenage years are hard, looking for your place in the world, trying to find where you fit. This is turning into a huge crisis for teenagers, and ASD teens in particular. I reiterate the suggestions above, and also just talking generally about becoming an adult man and why that doesn’t mean squashing into hyper masculine roles, it just means being himself, a sensitive man is still a man. Maybe talk about men through history who have been constrained by expectations of masculinity, or who have broken through that ?

He says he doesn't want to be a toxic male.

Grayson Perry's book The Descent of Man might be a good read for you both. It covers exactly this.

No real advice, I just wanted to wish you and him well. Being a teenager is so awful anyway and I'm sure it's particularly confusing to be one in 2018. I hope he finds his way through this. I hated so much about my body and my life as a teenager. It's such a normal thing to deal with

How did you realise that it wasn't true?

I'm not sure, probably because at the time the transexual thing was people with gender disphoria and i realised it wasn't a hate of my body that was causing a disassociation with my peers. It was the people I knew, none of them were like me, it was all sex and girls and i couldn't feel or discuss the things they were in to, as I didn’t then and still do not feel the same way.
I assumed at the time the social rules around girls must be easier, there fore i must identify with them, probably becuase i was befriended by my sister circle of friends somewhat.

It never got beyond thinking this to myself though, the teenage years are an absolutely lonely and horrible time when you are autistic because you grow away from everyone, Socially i was so far behind them i could keep up (or maybe so far ahead i was already thinking like someone in their 30's) I didn’t really reconnect until people started settling down and having children.