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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about being offended when people think men should sit at the head of the table?

311 replies

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:19

I grew up in a family of 4, my mum always sat me next to her, my brother opposite me and my dad opposite her at dinner time.

I grew up and got married, became a blended family of 5. DH started to set his dinner place at the head of the table, I asked why, he couldn’t say.

I told him it made me uncomfortable, that we are not in the 1950’s and that I would prefer he didn’t, so he stopped.

DH mum has now come to visit, she was laying the table and said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, I replied that we don’t do that here, she said I was being over sensitive and scoffed, and continued to set his place at the head of the table, so I moved it and told her she was welcome to do that in her house, but not here.

Now it’s awkward as fuck, and I can’t work out if I’m being a dick or am right to enforce my own rules in my own home. DH says I should have left it.

Was I being unreasonable, bracing myself for your answers?

OP posts:
SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:43

Bridgertonisbest · 22/10/2026 20:35

Each to their own but don't expect the majority of us to be the same. There's a reason that the rest of us prefer to have our own check books.

1950's housewives were fucking miserable and took tranquillisers to get themselves through the day. I can just imagine telling my grandmother that her time as a housewife and mother was enviable!

1950s housewives were fucking trapped.

The naiveté is bad enough but actually expecting the OP to have similar views is laughable.

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I would much rather live in the 1950s than in this materialistic, selfish, self-centred, self-indulgent, anti-family, technology dominated society, that’s for sure!

Tootsurly · 22/10/2026 20:42

MrsClatterbuck · 22/10/2026 19:33

Reminds me of the time dh and I along with 2 other couples were invited to new friends for an evening meal. The wives were instructed by the wife of this couple to plate their husbands meal and serve them. I did it as a politeness but was a bit annoyed at the sexism. Dh is perfectly capable of plating his own meal.
Also at my first wedding of one of dh's family my place card said Mrs dh's Christian name followed by our surname. That also annoyed me.

Maybe get a new table like a round one like we had growing up where everyone is the same.
When my parents came for Christmas we sat two on one side and two on the other.

Wow. This was a dinner party in the 1950s, I'm assuming?

BrianAbsoluteWalloper · 22/10/2026 20:42

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 20:19

OP’s table has 3 seats either side, so no need to have anyone at the ends

And the MIL moved seats and said she was putting OP’s DH at the head of the table. She was very much saying he was the important person in the house

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OK... but some people are saying that the end is somehow very much the best, so it seems odd for nobody to get to sit in these premium seats?!

Mulledjuice · 22/10/2026 20:42

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 20:40

No, just one for DH

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ooh that would have irked me.

LindaJonesJustCantLiveMYLifeNSoul · 22/10/2026 20:41

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:12

He had likely been working flat out all week providing for his wife, and she likely was an excellent cook who enjoyed it and felt equally proud to provide for her husband through food. Completely up to them, their marriage is their business.

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1950s are that way ➡️
And a fresh coat of lipstick💄
And greet him warmly at the door
On his return home from his days labour.

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 20:40

Mulledjuice · 22/10/2026 20:35

that is unnecessary. Did she pull another chair to the other end or was it going to be uneven down the sides?

Edited
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No, just one for DH

OP posts:
DiscourteousDiana · 22/10/2026 20:40

Tortephant · 22/10/2026 20:05

OP, if this has caused you so much of an issue, and that you can't accept your MIL, your marriage won't be lasting long. Get over yourself, respect different eras and traditions and that you have family around you.

No, fuck that. It was only in our lifetimes that it was once legal for a husband to rape his wife. It was only in our lifetime that pervy fat old bosses in work were able to sexually assault and make disgusting remarks to young female employees. Sexism is rife in the present day and even more recently there is a greater air of menace.

There is no world where my MIL would be allowed to drag a chair to the head of my table for my DH to sit to signify that he is worthier than me and our children. I can’t believe how many women on this thread are defending this and telling you to get over it, let it go, show respect for everyone else but yourself. Fuck that.

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 20:40

BillyDidIt · 22/10/2026 20:31

Ah I see. There's enough seating to people without anybody needing to sit at the head of the table - is that right?

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Yes that’s right, it’s a big table with lots of room around it.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 20:40

JemimaTiggywinkles · 22/10/2026 20:39

Why? If she put a white person as head of the table for being white you wouldn’t be arguing to let her get on with it.

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This isn’t worth debating, it’s not the same and if you use any rational thinking you can see that. If you can’t see it then I can’t help you.

FunkyFringe · 22/10/2026 20:39

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:40

We have a rectangle table that has 3 seats on each side. She pulled a chair to the end (that’s what I mean by head) to set his place.

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But how would your OH know that that was 'his place'? Do you have place settings or cards or something to indicate that?

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 20:39

I really don’t mind what people do in their own homes, whatever makes you happy. I assume we all have our own little quirks and preferences and I wouldn’t say anything if we were in MIL’s house if she did this with DH and FIL, it’s her home.

However, I had clearly stayed that we don’t do this in our house, it didnt need to turn into anything more in my opinion. But yes, my DD’s would have noticed, genuinely they would have. I don’t want them growing up thinking their mum let something so sexiest slide just so I didn’t offend, that would have been worse tbh. I want them to know that they don’t have to fade into little wall flowers or conform to something they don’t agree with if it goes against their beliefs.

OP posts:
Vaguelyclassical · 22/10/2026 20:39

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 19:59

A man sat at the head of the table is incredibly attractive: an authoritative leader of his family commanding a sense of safety and trust. It is incredibly charismatic and sexually attractive, as is a man who understands the importance of opening a door and regularly buying his wife flowers and booking her a table for dinner. I adore a man who knows how to lead and command attention.

Whereas you couldn't possible admire a woman who "knows how to lead and command attention"? And what if the man who happens to be sitting at the head of the table is a cheating abuser; does he still automatically "command a sense and safety and trust"? And how can we send you back to 1865?

JemimaTiggywinkles · 22/10/2026 20:39

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 20:36

This is not comparable to being racist.

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Why? If she put a white person as head of the table for being white you wouldn’t be arguing to let her get on with it.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 20:36

JemimaTiggywinkles · 22/10/2026 20:35

Letting granny be a bit sexist on occasion is as “harmless” as letting granny be a bit racist or homophobic. Ie not at all harmless and the OP is right to stop it.

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This is not comparable to being racist.

Bridgertonisbest · 22/10/2026 20:35

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:25

I model myself on 1950s housewives, so thank you for your compliment. They were stunning!

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Each to their own but don't expect the majority of us to be the same. There's a reason that the rest of us prefer to have our own check books.

1950's housewives were fucking miserable and took tranquillisers to get themselves through the day. I can just imagine telling my grandmother that her time as a housewife and mother was enviable!

1950s housewives were fucking trapped.

The naiveté is bad enough but actually expecting the OP to have similar views is laughable.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 22/10/2026 20:35

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:31

Him sitting there on occasion would do no such thing. His mum setting his place there once is harmless, someone must sit at the end of the table, it’s weirder if it’s never allowed to be him on principle

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Letting granny be a bit sexist on occasion is as “harmless” as letting granny be a bit racist or homophobic. Ie not at all harmless and the OP is right to stop it.

Mulledjuice · 22/10/2026 20:35

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:40

We have a rectangle table that has 3 seats on each side. She pulled a chair to the end (that’s what I mean by head) to set his place.

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that is unnecessary. Did she pull another chair to the other end or was it going to be uneven down the sides?

BillyDidIt · 22/10/2026 20:31

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:33

Not really, we just tend to sit anywhere. Depends what child emerges from upstairs first.

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Ah I see. There's enough seating to people without anybody needing to sit at the head of the table - is that right?

BoldnessReborn · 22/10/2026 20:28

It's all coming back to me how growing up in 80s and 90s my dad had a special chair with arms, and it would be placed at the head of the table. It was to show his status as the man of the house. Really at odds with what he would have claimed to believe, and the thought makes me uncomfortable.

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 20:26

Ohhelpwhatnow · 22/10/2026 20:20

Then how do you know MIL was 'setting his place' at the head?

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Because MiL said she was

Getmoveon14 · 22/10/2026 20:25

Are you sure that it was an act of chauvinism or could it just be an in-joke that he always wanted to sit at the head of the table? Maybe that's why his mum put him there.

As a child I looked forward to sitting at the head of the table. In my family my mum was at one end and my dad at the other. Now I'm an adult, I've decided that the head of the table spot is rubbish -when you're sitting there it's really hard to reach things in the middle of the table!

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:25

Bridgertonisbest · 22/10/2026 20:23

The 1950's called they'd like you to return!

I find a man that treats me as an equal incredibly attractive. An authoritative leader is not needed in my household and would be shot down extremely quickly.

Yes, I'm married - for over 26 years.

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I model myself on 1950s housewives, so thank you for your compliment. They were stunning!

Bridgertonisbest · 22/10/2026 20:23

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 19:59

A man sat at the head of the table is incredibly attractive: an authoritative leader of his family commanding a sense of safety and trust. It is incredibly charismatic and sexually attractive, as is a man who understands the importance of opening a door and regularly buying his wife flowers and booking her a table for dinner. I adore a man who knows how to lead and command attention.

The 1950's called they'd like you to return!

I find a man that treats me as an equal incredibly attractive. An authoritative leader is not needed in my household and would be shot down extremely quickly.

Yes, I'm married - for over 26 years.

LittlePlotTwist · 22/10/2026 20:22

I wouldn’t deep this at all.

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:21

Stompythedinosaur · 22/10/2026 20:19

Ok, I think you're just winding me up! If so, it's actually funny, and a fell for it!

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I’m not joking. I would divorce my husband if he didn’t take me out on dates. I’m stunned at how many mums on the school run let their children dominate weekends and never have any alone time with their husbands, and I say that as a passionate SAHM, but husbands and wives need dates and alone time too! So many women really neglect their husbands these days. It’s not good.