Page 7 | Am I being unreasonable about being offended when people think men should sit at the head of the table?

TablePlan26 · 2026-10-22T18:19:50+00:00

I grew up in a family of 4, my mum always sat me next to her, my brother opposite me and my dad opposite her at dinner time. I grew up and got married, became a blended family of 5. DH started to set his dinner place at the head of the table, I asked why, he couldn’t say. I told him it made me uncomfortable, that we are not in the 1950’s and that I would prefer he didn’t, so he stopped. DH mum has now come to visit, she was laying the table and said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, I replied that we don’t do that here, she said I was being over sensitive and scoffed, and continued to set his place at the head of the table, so I moved it and told her she was welcome to do that in her house, but not here. Now it’s awkward as fuck, and I can’t work out if I’m being a dick or am right to enforce my own rules in my own home. DH says I should have left it. Was I being unreasonable, bracing myself for your answers?

Bridgertonisbest · 22/10/2026 21:12

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:09

Another brainwashed modern woman who completely misunderstands that men and women operating distinct, complimentary roles, which are of equal importance, allows both to thrive.

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You absolutely must be a troll.

I'm not interacting anymore.

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 21:12

Hundslappadrifa · 22/10/2026 21:11

Well, why would you want to be sat side-by-side on the two sides of the table when you could be one person at each side, including the two ends and have so much more room

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If it is a long narrow table there will be more room on the sides than the ends. Also you might have the table legs at the ends which gives less leg room

LindaJonesJustCantLiveMYLifeNSoul · 22/10/2026 21:11

Tootsurly · 22/10/2026 21:05

I know it was years ago, but it was the 60th anniversary yesterday.

I'm not sure what you want me to verify? Yes, the NCB dismissed concerns about the spoil tips - that's well known - but that's not what I'm talking about. I mean things like women from the village being addressed using patronising terms like "my dear" and so on by various bigwigs from the coal board, etc.

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Yes the attitudes used towards the women.
I was aware of the 60th anniversary.
You've verified the condescending attitudes from that period.
Such a heartbreaking event.
I was born that year even now that tragedy makes sad reading

Hundslappadrifa · 22/10/2026 21:11

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 21:09

Why? Who is stupid?

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Well, why would you want to be sat side-by-side on the two sides of the table when you could be one person at each side, including the two ends and have so much more room

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:11

Ohhelpwhatnow · 22/10/2026 21:08

Oh, OK. This is like reading one of those 'How to be a good wife' books from the 1950s. It's a long time since anyone seriously talked like this in the UK, I guess you are American?

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Nope, I’m English 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 Teaching children basic table manners shouldn’t even be up for debate. iPads at the table/in restaurants is diabolical!

PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 21:10

likelysuspect · 22/10/2026 19:38

This.

What is the head of the table anyway?

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Yeah I wondered this. Don't all tables have 2 'ends?' And if they're square, they'll have 4 'ends?'

I honestly couldn't be bothered to give this any headspace.

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:09

Bridgertonisbest · 22/10/2026 21:05

Oh ffs, what makes you think things were any different then?

It was materialistic, selfish and self indulgent. What's family orientated about children being seen and not heard, of women being trapped in a loveless, abusive marriage with no access to money apart from what your husband "allows you"? As for technology - like the automatic washing machine? The vacuum cleaner? Or that wonderful modern invention, the dishwasher (wouldn't be without one even if I lived alone).

If women's lives were so much better then why did they campaign to change them? You have the CHOICE to live as you like now, women then didn't, they rarely had access to higher education and were frequently fired when they got married and/or pregnant. They were utterly screwed if their husbands left them and poverty awaited them if their husbands got sick (you know men get sick sometimes?) It was a vile, sexist, misogynistic time when women were utterly "less than". My grandmother was thrilled that I got to live a better life, with access to university and my own bank account and a husband that treats me like an equal and not someone he is in charge of?

You might be, but I'm not "less than" anyone.

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Another brainwashed modern woman who completely misunderstands that men and women operating distinct, complimentary roles, which are of equal importance, allows both to thrive.

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 21:09

Hundslappadrifa · 22/10/2026 21:06

Well that’s just bloody stupid, sorry!

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Why? Who is stupid?

PollyBell · 22/10/2026 21:08

I just see each place as somewhere to sit i don't see it as head of a table as i am not living back in the 1950s it may have been at one time but an end of a table not head these days

Ohhelpwhatnow · 22/10/2026 21:08

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:06

No, that wouldn’t be OK, a child needs to know its place and is never seated at the head of the table. Children also need to be taught basic table manners and voice volume, also sadly lacking nowadays.

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Oh, OK. This is like reading one of those 'How to be a good wife' books from the 1950s. It's a long time since anyone seriously talked like this in the UK, I guess you are American?

BeardySchnauzer · 22/10/2026 21:08

We have our set places at the table - DS and DH one side and DD and I the other. When my parents come I buy them at the two heads of the table (iyswim) but my mum doesn’t like it so I make DH give up his spot so we end up with two men at the heads but they aren’t considered the premium places!

agree it’s odd your mil moved the setting as it doesn’t make sense to have him at the head and then non matching numbers on the long sides

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 21:08

Ohhelpwhatnow · 22/10/2026 21:03

But what does it mean, if the family don't have individual place mats or napkin holders or place cards? How would DH know that was his place by the way it was set?

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I assume MIL would tell him that was his place. We used to have individual napkin holders when I lived with my parents so it would be obvious where people were sitting

Tootsurly · 22/10/2026 21:08

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 19:59

A man sat at the head of the table is incredibly attractive: an authoritative leader of his family commanding a sense of safety and trust. It is incredibly charismatic and sexually attractive, as is a man who understands the importance of opening a door and regularly buying his wife flowers and booking her a table for dinner. I adore a man who knows how to lead and command attention.

Bleeurgh. What a load of utter bollocks.

He's not "commanding a sense of safety and trust", he's just allowing himself to be waited on.

Also, he's sitting at the head of the table, not sat.

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:06

Bridgertonisbest · 22/10/2026 21:06

And some of us are respected and spoiled by their husbands. You deal with it.

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My husband certainly knows how to spoil me, I wouldn’t accept less.

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:06

Ohhelpwhatnow · 22/10/2026 21:04

It would be OK if he was a small child...

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No, that wouldn’t be OK, a child needs to know its place and is never seated at the head of the table. Children also need to be taught basic table manners and voice volume, also sadly lacking nowadays.

Hundslappadrifa · 22/10/2026 21:06

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:34

No, no one sits at the ‘head’ of the table. We sit next to each other or opposite each other.

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Well that’s just bloody stupid, sorry!

Bridgertonisbest · 22/10/2026 21:06

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:58

Some women respect and know how to spoil their husbands, deal with it.

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And some of us are respected and spoiled by their husbands. You deal with it.

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 21:05

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 20:36

This is not comparable to being racist.

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why? Misogyny/patriarchy is bad or should women just put up and shut up?

PrayForPlagues · 22/10/2026 21:05

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 19:59

A man sat at the head of the table is incredibly attractive: an authoritative leader of his family commanding a sense of safety and trust. It is incredibly charismatic and sexually attractive, as is a man who understands the importance of opening a door and regularly buying his wife flowers and booking her a table for dinner. I adore a man who knows how to lead and command attention.

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

Tootsurly · 22/10/2026 21:05

LindaJonesJustCantLiveMYLifeNSoul · 22/10/2026 20:56

It was years ago ,I'm sure I read an article that the NCB were dismissive of prior concerns.
Could you verify please ?

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I know it was years ago, but it was the 60th anniversary yesterday.

I'm not sure what you want me to verify? Yes, the NCB dismissed concerns about the spoil tips - that's well known - but that's not what I'm talking about. I mean things like women from the village being addressed using patronising terms like "my dear" and so on by various bigwigs from the coal board, etc.

Bridgertonisbest · 22/10/2026 21:05

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:43

I would much rather live in the 1950s than in this materialistic, selfish, self-centred, self-indulgent, anti-family, technology dominated society, that’s for sure!

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Oh ffs, what makes you think things were any different then?

It was materialistic, selfish and self indulgent. What's family orientated about children being seen and not heard, of women being trapped in a loveless, abusive marriage with no access to money apart from what your husband "allows you"? As for technology - like the automatic washing machine? The vacuum cleaner? Or that wonderful modern invention, the dishwasher (wouldn't be without one even if I lived alone).

If women's lives were so much better then why did they campaign to change them? You have the CHOICE to live as you like now, women then didn't, they rarely had access to higher education and were frequently fired when they got married and/or pregnant. They were utterly screwed if their husbands left them and poverty awaited them if their husbands got sick (you know men get sick sometimes?) It was a vile, sexist, misogynistic time when women were utterly "less than". My grandmother was thrilled that I got to live a better life, with access to university and my own bank account and a husband that treats me like an equal and not someone he is in charge of?

You might be, but I'm not "less than" anyone.

Ohhelpwhatnow · 22/10/2026 21:04

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:58

Some women respect and know how to spoil their husbands, deal with it.

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It would be OK if he was a small child...

Ohhelpwhatnow · 22/10/2026 21:03

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 20:26

Because MiL said she was

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But what does it mean, if the family don't have individual place mats or napkin holders or place cards? How would DH know that was his place by the way it was set?

noodlezoodle · 22/10/2026 21:02

In our house, whoever cooked sits at the head of the table (when we use the table).

OonaStubbs · 22/10/2026 21:00

If the table has 2 ends which is the "head" of the table?