Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
30 days only
Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about being offended when people think men should sit at the head of the table?

311 replies

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:19

I grew up in a family of 4, my mum always sat me next to her, my brother opposite me and my dad opposite her at dinner time.

I grew up and got married, became a blended family of 5. DH started to set his dinner place at the head of the table, I asked why, he couldn’t say.

I told him it made me uncomfortable, that we are not in the 1950’s and that I would prefer he didn’t, so he stopped.

DH mum has now come to visit, she was laying the table and said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, I replied that we don’t do that here, she said I was being over sensitive and scoffed, and continued to set his place at the head of the table, so I moved it and told her she was welcome to do that in her house, but not here.

Now it’s awkward as fuck, and I can’t work out if I’m being a dick or am right to enforce my own rules in my own home. DH says I should have left it.

Was I being unreasonable, bracing myself for your answers?

OP posts:
Deadringer · 22/10/2026 21:53

If my mil did that i would just laugh. We don't have a head of the table seat, its such an out dated concept. Our table seats 6, 2 seats on each side, and a seat at each end. None of them are the head of the table unless you make it it so. My dh and i sit on the outside, the two smallest/youngest sit on the inside, ds sits at one end and dd at the other.

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 21:53

Idontpostmuch · 22/10/2026 21:46

YANBU but not very smart to tell her it was your house. Too confrontational. Absolutely right to move the place setting. But you could simply have said it was sexist and outdated to put DH at head.

Show quote history

I said ‘you are welcome to do that in your house, but not here ‘, I can’t think of a more polite way to say that tbh. If I had said it was sexist, she would have taken greater offence I’m sure of it.

I wanted to make sure it was clear the first time so it didn’t have to be brought up again.

OP posts:
PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 21:52

Idontpostmuch · 22/10/2026 21:50

@SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal Arrgh please don't type complimentary when you mean complementary. It's irritating. People in the 50s knew the difference.

Show quote history

😆

PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 21:52

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:50

Yeah, he’ll definitely leave soon with that level of disrespect and foul language 🤮

Show quote history

Well he's been with me over 35 years darling, and he knows which side his bread is buttered. He ain't going ANYwhere. He is also not a sexist dickhead, who thinks women are beneath him, and would never insist on sitting at the head of the table.

Idontpostmuch · 22/10/2026 21:50

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:46

The beauty of homemaking is you can focus on the parts that interest you more. So my friend is definitely the better cook, and puts a lot of effort into that. Her family are very lucky, I would love to eat her dinners. However, I am more interested in home organisation (Stacey Solomon, Dilly Carter and Mrs Hinch are exceptional modern day inspirations who are much revered by traditional housewives), and love cleaning, organising and decluttering every inch of our home. You can also build in time to pursue your own hobbies and interests, which are personal to each housewife.

Show quote history

@SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal Arrgh please don't type complimentary when you mean complementary. It's irritating. People in the 50s knew the difference.

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:50

PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 21:48

This. ^ It's all a bit Handmaids Tale isn't it?

If my DH said he wants to sit at the head of the table, I would piss myself laughing and ask him who the fuck he thinks he is! 😆

Show quote history

Yeah, he’ll definitely leave soon with that level of disrespect and foul language 🤮

PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 21:48

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/10/2026 21:34

The only men I've ever known that went on about being at the Head of the Table or being the Head of the Family were useless fucking dickheads. I suppose they were attached to the idea because they were so inadequate by their own measures in everything else.

This. ^ It's all a bit Handmaids Tale isn't it?

If my DH said he wants to sit at the head of the table, I would piss myself laughing and ask him who the fuck he thinks he is! 😆

bigboykitty · 22/10/2026 21:48

It's a ridiculously outdated way of going about things. I'm with you. It's embarrassing and MIL shouldn't be doing this in your home.

PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 21:48

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 19:59

A man sat at the head of the table is incredibly attractive: an authoritative leader of his family commanding a sense of safety and trust. It is incredibly charismatic and sexually attractive, as is a man who understands the importance of opening a door and regularly buying his wife flowers and booking her a table for dinner. I adore a man who knows how to lead and command attention.

🤢🤮

.

Idontpostmuch · 22/10/2026 21:46

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:19

I grew up in a family of 4, my mum always sat me next to her, my brother opposite me and my dad opposite her at dinner time.

I grew up and got married, became a blended family of 5. DH started to set his dinner place at the head of the table, I asked why, he couldn’t say.

I told him it made me uncomfortable, that we are not in the 1950’s and that I would prefer he didn’t, so he stopped.

DH mum has now come to visit, she was laying the table and said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, I replied that we don’t do that here, she said I was being over sensitive and scoffed, and continued to set his place at the head of the table, so I moved it and told her she was welcome to do that in her house, but not here.

Now it’s awkward as fuck, and I can’t work out if I’m being a dick or am right to enforce my own rules in my own home. DH says I should have left it.

Was I being unreasonable, bracing myself for your answers?

YANBU but not very smart to tell her it was your house. Too confrontational. Absolutely right to move the place setting. But you could simply have said it was sexist and outdated to put DH at head.

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:46

ByTipsyShark · 22/10/2026 21:27

Your life sounds really interesting

Show quote history

The beauty of homemaking is you can focus on the parts that interest you more. So my friend is definitely the better cook, and puts a lot of effort into that. Her family are very lucky, I would love to eat her dinners. However, I am more interested in home organisation (Stacey Solomon, Dilly Carter and Mrs Hinch are exceptional modern day inspirations who are much revered by traditional housewives), and love cleaning, organising and decluttering every inch of our home. You can also build in time to pursue your own hobbies and interests, which are personal to each housewife.

whatanuglythingtosay · 22/10/2026 21:44

I don't think it's that big of a deal, honestly. My dad always sat at the head of the table, but DH doesn't. Neither of us really care one way or the other where we sit. I certainly don't think women are inferior or should be subservient to men because of where my father sat at the table.

I don't think you should have made a fuss over it, but she should have gone along with whatever you normally do while visiting your home, rather than pushing back. Both of you seem to take this more seriously than it deserves.

Booomerrranger · 22/10/2026 21:39

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:56

So by this logic, no man in your family ever cooks? Very modern.

Show quote history

You’ve drawn the wrong conclusion. I cook in my house. I’m the only one who lives here.

My sons are the cooks in their families but they don’t sit at the head of the table.

fifthinline · 22/10/2026 21:38

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 19:59

A man sat at the head of the table is incredibly attractive: an authoritative leader of his family commanding a sense of safety and trust. It is incredibly charismatic and sexually attractive, as is a man who understands the importance of opening a door and regularly buying his wife flowers and booking her a table for dinner. I adore a man who knows how to lead and command attention.

I agree

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/10/2026 21:34

The only men I've ever known that went on about being at the Head of the Table or being the Head of the Family were useless fucking dickheads. I suppose they were attached to the idea because they were so inadequate by their own measures in everything else.

LindaJonesJustCantLiveMYLifeNSoul · 22/10/2026 21:29

ByTipsyShark · 22/10/2026 21:27

Your life sounds really interesting

Show quote history

Oh I so wish I knew how to put up YouTube link.
Irn bru advert..I used to be a man.

ByTipsyShark · 22/10/2026 21:27

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:26

So, if you are genuinely interested, my friend/frenemy always does her weekly shop from Tesco on a Friday morning, and says that’s the best day so everything is fresh and ready for her husband and children at the start of the weekend. My day varies more, but she still turned her nose up at me going in a Thursday, which is only 1 day before hers! She also questions why I garden so much as my husband should be doing that, which I object to as gardening is integrative to homemaking, a really important part of our home to me…we regularly debate these things.

Show quote history

Your life sounds really interesting

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:26

ByTipsyShark · 22/10/2026 21:21

I’m intrigued, what’s the right day to do your shop? I’m an Ocado girl myself

Show quote history

So, if you are genuinely interested, my friend/frenemy always does her weekly shop from Tesco on a Friday morning, and says that’s the best day so everything is fresh and ready for her husband and children at the start of the weekend. My day varies more, but she still turned her nose up at me going in a Thursday, which is only 1 day before hers! She also questions why I garden so much as my husband should be doing that, which I object to as gardening is integrative to homemaking, a really important part of our home to me…we regularly debate these things.

Ohhelpwhatnow · 22/10/2026 21:23

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:11

Nope, I’m English 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 Teaching children basic table manners shouldn’t even be up for debate. iPads at the table/in restaurants is diabolical!

Show quote history

Fair enough about teaching children table manners, but it's very unusual now to think that a man should sit at the head of the table or that his wife should serve him even in someone else's home. In fact I have never heard the second one.

Comtesse · 22/10/2026 21:21

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:53

That’s not all you said. You insulted her by saying she can do it in her own house but not at yours, like she was doing something bad.

Show quote history

That is not an insult, it’s a factual statement.

ByTipsyShark · 22/10/2026 21:21

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:19

Nope, I’m a traditional housewife, and very proud of it. Plenty of us still exist! 😘

I actually know plenty who are more militant than me…one criticised me on the school run for doing my weekly shop on the wrong week day!!! But I’ve since discovered she doesn’t iron, she looked quite put out that I iron all my husband’s work clothes and rushed to say her husband’s don’t need ironing, hmm. We are both super competitive, so the war continues…

Show quote history

I’m intrigued, what’s the right day to do your shop? I’m an Ocado girl myself

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:19

Bridgertonisbest · 22/10/2026 21:12

You absolutely must be a troll.

I'm not interacting anymore.

Show quote history

Nope, I’m a traditional housewife, and very proud of it. Plenty of us still exist! 😘

I actually know plenty who are more militant than me…one criticised me on the school run for doing my weekly shop on the wrong week day!!! But I’ve since discovered she doesn’t iron, she looked quite put out that I iron all my husband’s work clothes and rushed to say her husband’s don’t need ironing, hmm. We are both super competitive, so the war continues…

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:16

ByTipsyShark · 22/10/2026 21:14

😂 you’re hilarious

Show quote history

We’ll see whose marriage lasts longer…😘

ByTipsyShark · 22/10/2026 21:14

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:58

Some women respect and know how to spoil their husbands, deal with it.

Show quote history

😂 you’re hilarious

ChiliFiend · 22/10/2026 21:13

Stompythedinosaur · 22/10/2026 19:28

It's sexist wallpaper, a habit that subtly encourages your dc to internalise that men are superior.

You're right to stop it, I would too!

That's a great phrase.